A Review of Sex and the City 2 by Someone Who Doesn't Know Anything About It

Let me be clear. I haven't seen Sex and the City 2. For that matter, I never saw the first Sex and the City movie. Nor a complete episode of the television show. I've only seen bits and pieces while flipping channels.

On the other hand, I know how to type into a blog. So I'm still somewhat of an expert.

First off, ladies, I get it. It's your Star Wars. The opening credits make your tummy tickle the same way the Star Wars theme, to this day, gives me a boner. I understand. A pair of expensive shoes worn by Carrie is just like a metallic bikini worn by Princess Leia. Bonerfreakingopolis.

If I knew more about the actual characters of Sex and the City, I would be able to make more parallels. I do know Miranda is your C-3PO. That's obvious. Beyond that, I'd just be guessing. Which I can do, legally, because I'm a blogger. Carrie is your Luke. Charlotte is Han Solo. Samantha is Chewbacca. All men are Darth Vader. And I bet there are vibrators involved. Hello, R2-D2.

Now, I know they wouldn't be making movies if the television show wasn't a huge success. So I'm going to say the television show is like episodes 4-6 of the Star Wars saga. Those are the first three moves. The good ones. The originals.

Then I assume everyone associated with the show went their own ways and tried to get new roles and do different things but everyone just kept asking about more Sex and the City so they eventually gave in (needed cash) and went back to the well. Just like George Lucas and Star Wars.

So they did a Sex and the City movie. I'm guessing that was a lot like Episode I. Everyone was so excited to see it, they were quick to overlook the fact that it wasn't very good. There's probably a Jar Jar Binks type character in that movie, too. And maybe the equivalent of a droid army that gets turned off mid-battle. Which is really stupid when you think about it. And half of the charm of the Star Wars franchise was the swashbuckling attitude and it was replaced with bureaucrats standing around talking about trade treaties. AM I CLOSE, LADIES?

So that brings us to the second Sex and the City movie. The equivalent of Star Wars Episode II. Which I don't remember anything about. And I think I saw that thing three times. Is that the one where Yoda fights Count Dooku in a lightsaber duel? That was pretty cool at the time because it was like "Whoa, look at that wise old dude laying it down," but then it seemed pretty silly the other times I saw it. And why are the Jedi powers so inconsistent? I mean, one minute they're lifting X-wing fighters out of a swamp, and the next minute they can barely move a boulder without popping a forehead vein.

Anyway, I bet that's how a lot of Sex and the City fans feel today after seeing Sex and the City 2. I think the girls go to the Middle East or something. At first, in the theater, that may seem new and interesting. But now, after thinking about it a couple of days, you're probably like "WHY DO JEDI KNIGHTS EVEN NEED TO HOLD A LIGHTSABER? WHY DOESN'T YODA USE HIS POWERS TO FIGHT WITH, I DON'T KNOW, 20 OR SO LIGHTSABERS AT A TIME?"

Which means there will certainly be a Sex and the City 3. And maybe a few cartoon spinoffs. But let me tell you how this is all going to play out, Sex and the City fans. There will come a time in the third movie where you will wonder "Do they think we're stupid? Darth Vader is, what, 5'11'' here? He was at least 6'4" before."

Don't say I didn't warn you. And I understand if you camp out in line to see it anyway.

Sex and the City 2. Now showing. 1.5 stars.

 

 

 

Follow Tim Siedell on Twitter: www.twitter.com/badbanana

Comments

[nemrit]

12:01 PM on 06/27/2010

the modern women's lament:

http://nem­rits.com/g­allery/pic­/200809160­85323

[Pennsylvanianne]

08:14 PM on 06/07/2010

As a married woman, let me say I only watched one episode of the "Sex and the City" television show before concluding it glorified a really amoral, shallow way of life that was a complete fantasy and not worth seeing ever again. "Star Wars" is a science fiction fantasy, but at least the future of the universe is at stake, and people have to make moral choices. Oh, and IV through VI were far superior to I through III. When George Lucas decided to dress Amidala as if she were the Carrie Bradshaw of Naboo, the franchise jumped the shark. So Mr. Siedell, don't divide this issue into male vs. female. I'd rather discuss light sabers vs. the Force than Manolo Blahniks (sp.) any day.

[Kay Hanley]

02:11 PM on 06/05/2010

I love that the one guy is mad because you reviewed a movie you didn't see. Personally­, I found the approach to be quite informativ­e. And superballs funneee!!

[DiddyDont]

08:56 PM on 06/04/2010

Not funny. Not even clever.

[Gladys1963]

05:46 PM on 06/04/2010

I agree with the others who posted this: Star Wars is my Star Wars.

I loved the TV series, disliked the first movie. I'll opt for the new A-Team movie over SATC2!

[TheSpiderMind]

04:45 PM on 06/04/2010

As a bachelor residing in NYC, one of the first questions I ask potential interests is whether they are fans of Sex in the City. If they are, I'm gone. I'm quite certain that this one simply rule has saved me much grief, much money, and much wasted time. I love Sex in the City for this one simple reason.

[kjohney]

11:32 PM on 06/06/2010

I hear ya man, when I was a bachelor nothing sent me running for the door like girls who were big fans of casual sex.

[sharon40]

04:26 PM on 06/04/2010

Sex and the City was glitzy and silly and fun - all things needed to have a few hours away from the horrors created by our corporate masters.

[nycagnes]

03:50 PM on 06/04/2010

Get off the stage! Horrible analogy. Shouldn't review a film you haven't seen.

[rengurl]

04:15 PM on 06/04/2010

Very Funny! I echo 'sadie & boo'- Star Wars is my Star Wars (and I can throw down with the best of the geeks) but you got one thing WRONG! Samantha is Han Solo (the brave, daring devil-may-­care sidekick), and Charlotte is Chewbacca the ever loyal sidekick)!­!!!!

I am a huge SATC fan but 2 was VASTLY disappoint­ing

[Miss Education]

03:21 PM on 06/04/2010

This is the best review I've read so far.

being both a fan of Star Wars and SATC I can say that Jennifer Hudson's character = Jar jar Binks.

[cougarsrus]

02:20 PM on 06/04/2010

This is hysterical­! And I so needed a laugh today.

No, the new movie is not very good but that didn't stop me from enjoying every minute of its wonderful badness.

[rebrarenee]

01:21 PM on 06/04/2010

I believe that Sex and the City is something that most men would have a hard time understand­ing, much in the same way as they have a hard time with most womens' facination with shoes. It's unexplaina­ble, in fact I don't understand it myself, ( I have about six pairs of house slippers, why does anyone need an assortment of shoes to walk around the house in? I don't know, it just happened) and so it is, perhaps it's in our DNA going back to tribal and cave days.

SATC is about women, and all the things as women we deal with, our relationsh­ips, our friends, kids, and jobs. It's also about all the fun stuff that being a woman today could be about, shoes, clothes, and being sexy. It was never meant to be serious just a fun escape into the reality of being a women, with the always present theme of the sisterhood of good friends and how that could be what can keep our heads above water and hold your hand when the going gets tough.

I loved SATC2 because it was a continuati­on of the four women's realtionsh­ip witth each other and it was hilarious in it's over the top and subtle humor.

[bagman29]

02:01 PM on 06/04/2010

Youre a moron. SATC2 was consumer porn and product placement. It was light years from the original show.

You loved it because you would have loved it no matter what it was about.

[rebrarenee]

04:25 PM on 06/04/2010

You know, you are right, I am somewhat prejudiced­, and would probably have liked it anyway, However,, I am confident that my preferenti­al thoughts about SATC2 hardly qualifies me as a moron. Maybe you should look up the definition of the word,( a person with mental capabilite­s of an 8 to 12 year old) before you make the moronic decsion to call some one you don't know a moron.

[Ojodelgato]

12:50 PM on 06/04/2010

I can rest easy. After seeing the 1st movie and hating it, my wife didn't even suggest seeing the second.

I married well!

[Gladys1963]

05:44 PM on 06/04/2010

I loved the series, disliked the first movie. I'll opt for the new A-Team movie over SATC2!

[Kristine Hale]

11:00 AM on 06/04/2010

Hilarious. And spot on except for one thing: "At first, in the theater, that may seem new and interestin­g." No. It wasn't even interestin­g the first time. I am starting to wonder just how stupid the producer of this movie thinks we are without needing to see Sex and the City 3.

[Joanne Lock]

10:46 AM on 06/04/2010

This post makes me laugh. You know nothing about Sex and the City, and I know nothing about Star Wars. Might as well have been written in Swahili. :)

[konami]

06:16 AM on 06/04/2010

Hahah! It's hilarious! Go Mr. Tim! I hated SATC2. Filmed for really stupid people with no education whatsoever­. It's even worst than the first film.

[ghostmutt]

08:45 PM on 06/04/2010

"Filmed for really stupid people with no education whatsoever­. It's even worst than the first film."

The ironing is delicious