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Cheney's Last Hurrah: No Light at the End of the Dark Side

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Where is Dick Cheney? It's been over a month since the inauguration and the White House HR office has been waiting....and waiting...and waiting for the former VP to appear for his exit interview and to hand over the keys to his office.

Finally, there is a knock at the door of the White House HR Office, and the man reputed to be the power behind the throne in the Bush administration is ushered into the room. He is flanked by secret service men on each side.

"Good to finally see you, sir!" the HR officer says. "I must ask you where have you been all this time? You've given interviews to the media but your office has been locked and all of your secret locations empty.

With a sardonic smile of self-satisfaction, Cheney responds, "I didn't make it easy for you to find me, did I?"

"I'll say. It was particularly eerie having all those Dick Cheney doubles roaming the halls of the White House," the staffer concedes. "It brought almost all activity to a standstill. Nobody wanted to approach you--I mean your doubles--particularly when they saw that they were carrying shotguns."

"Sir, you really must hand over the keys to your office," the White House functionary continues. "Joe Biden has been working out of a small room next to the boiler in the White House basement waiting to move into the vice presidential office."

After a long awkward silence, Cheney imperiously responds. "I prefer not to. My work is just too important. The future of the free world is in my hands. Besides, Presidential Directive 2745 is scheduled to take effect any day now."

"Presidential Directive 2745?

"It will rescind the election and create a state of martial law," Cheney explains in a chillingly conspiratorial tone. "There is so much work to be done. I had a team of White House lawyers working on this emergency measure. It's for national security reasons, you must understand."

After a stunned moment of silence, the White House staffer responds. "I have to tell you but most of the Bush White House staff has disappeared, including your legal team. They seem to have vanished right after Halloween. George Bush in fact disappeared long ago although it was only before the inauguration that anybody noticed."

"Did he leave anything behind for me?" Cheney asks.

"No sir, all he left behind were a few things for the Obama girls, mainly some coloring books, his collection of sock puppets, and an autographed copy of My Pet Goat.

"Where's junior now?" Cheney asks with bemused interest.

"You mean Bush," the White House staffer responds. "Well, the last thing we heard was that he was chopping wood for Sarah Pallin and her neighbors in Wasilica. He seems pretty happy in his new job. He moved on, and perhaps sir, you should too."

"I cannot," Cheney answers in an angry and determined voice. "We cannot empower the terrorists. Did you know that that wuss Joe Biden says that he does not intend to have his own 'secret government.' That's a green light to evildoers. No doubt, he will allow government documents and decisions to be open to congressional scrutiny. Where's his cojones?"

"Do you think that I can just sit by as waterboarding, Gitmo, illegal wiretapping, the Unitary Executive, extraordinary rendition, the doctrine of pre-emptive invasion, the disregard for international law, ...all these are overturned. It's part of our glorious legacy. Someday, Americans will truly appreciate what we are doing. I foresee 25 years from now Bush's face up there on Mount Rushmore."

"Sir, we all recognize the seriousness of your mission but it's time to go home. There's a new administration now. Please, just hand over the keys." The White House official is beginning to get very impatient -- and alarmed. "And you are going to have to rescind that presidential order abducting key Democratic officials and flying them to undisclosed locations for secret interrogations."

"I cannot do that," Cheney indignantly responds. "The fate of the free world is too precious to be left in the hands of the Democrats. We must prevent them from undoing our legacy."

"Look at the extraordinary success of our work in Iraq, and that should be just the beginning. For example, think of the windfall of invading and then occupying Venezuela. We get rid of that rattlesnake Chavez, and take control of their oil. In fact, make the country a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton. From there a whole wave of democracies could spread throughout Latin America. We could make W president of Venezuela. He speaks Spanish."

Cheney rises to leave, announcing that he is scheduled to give the keynote address at the ceremony marking the opening of the Oliver North School of International Affairs at Bob Jones University.

As he begins to turn toward the door, Cheney warns the White House staffer to destroy all records of the visit today. "If so much as a word leaks out, you'll find yourself in an oil drum heading to Gitmo. Now, you'll have to excuse me," he concludes.

Gunshots are heard and sounds of a scuffle in the hall. Suddenly, black-clad mercenaries burst into the room. Waving their submachine guns, they push the Secret Service men away from Cheney, and surround the desk of the White House staffer.

"Ah, my friends from Blackwater," Cheney dramatically announces to the room, which suddenly and mysteriously turns much darker. At the same time, Cheney's face takes on a vibrantly red hue.

"Take these men into custody for attempting to subvert national security," Cheney commands the Blackwater commandos. "I must leave you now gentlemen." With this Cheney takes a small bow. "There's still so much more work to be done to make our legacy permanent." With that Cheney disappears in what this small group of stunned witnesses will later swear is a poof of acrid smoke.

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