When Boomers divorce: What now?

By Timothy Carroll - "The Voice of Senior Romantics"

Tom's almost 30-year marriage to Betty was over. Unhappy for nearly a decade, Tom should have felt relief, but instead he blamed himself. He had been a faithful husband and a loving father. What had gone wrong?

And what should he do now?

Falling in love is wonderful, arguably one of life's most enriching experiences. When a marriage breaks down - often through a breach of trust or a breakdown in communication - we can find ourselves feeling apprehensive about getting close to another person again.

Just remember this: Even during the unhappy years, we grow and develop as a person. We become more experienced at life, and now should be able to revel in the opportunity to know and love himself for who we truly are. When we become single after a long relationship, we suddenly have opportunities - to travel, to explore, to try new activities.

Above all, we have the chance to engage in a variety of new relationships and friendships.

Of course, even when we think we're ready, the prospect of dating again can be quite daunting. Over the years, we've gained weight, gotten out of touch, have become set in our ways. Conventions have changed since before we were married. And what about sex? Women and men who have been accustomed to the same sexual partner for many years can feel anxious about going to bed with someone new.

As with most things in life, taking that first step is usually the hardest.

Barbara had been married several times and had lost interest in men altogether when she moved to Florida. A dress-shop owner she was friendly with tried to set her up on a blind date, but Barbara declined; she was in no mood. The shop owner didn't give up, though, arranging for John and "accidentally" bump into Barbara at the shop. The two went on a few dates, but Barbara remained aloof, even leaving for Mexico with a female friend. It turned out to be a frustrating trip - and when John met her at the airport with roses, Barbara found she was honestly glad to see him. Six years later, they're still together.

All it took was the courage to get started. Being sociable is important in the lives of single people; by reaching out to other like-minded individuals, a person is likely to find enjoyment, companionship and even romance.

Susan, 55, made friends with a woman named Lou in her new aerobics class. When she introduced herself to Bill at one of Lou's pool parties, Susan was hurt by his lack of interest and retreated. It wasn't long, though, before they ran into each other again - and this time, Bill took a moment to notice Susan. The rest, as they say, is history.

Love and desire for another person may overcome all obstacles, but these can be fickle emotions that change over time, as the experienced person already knows. Sustaining a loving, permanent marital relationship requires a strong underlying friendship and a degree of self-sacrificing willingness to compromise.

However, we cannot expect to rely on anyone else for our own happiness. It has to be self-generated by love of ourselves and love of life in general. Strive to become a giver of love and not a seeker of love. Begin with small steps:
•Make an effort to talk to someone new. It is not easy, but you need momentum, and the first step is the hardest - but the most necessary.

•Try not to judge new people based on past relationships. Try to see each new person you meet from a new perspective.

•Platonic or casual friendships can be satisfactory and should not be excluded in favor of purely romantic relationships.

•Learn a new skill. Success in achieving something will make you feel good about yourself.
And remember this quote from writer Alice Walker: "I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor its coming with all my heart."

Timothy Carroll is the author of Don't Ever Give Up On Love - True Stories of Senior Romances. Read more at www.dontevergiveuponlove.com