The Great Divide: Milk & Cookies

Norman Rockwell it was not - but there were milk and cookies every day after school in my Brooklyn childhood. I remember dropping my school bags in the living room and racing to the kitchen table where my grandmother's warm mandelbroit was stacked on a plate and cold milk filled a tall glass. Sometimes my grandmother, who lived with us, ripped open a bag of Chips Ahoy. I didn't mind. Grandma was in charge of after-school snack because mom, an elementary school teacher who came home when we did, commandeered my father's carpet business after 3 pm.

Until winter set in, my sister and I played outside after school until dinner was on the table. We'd gather a pile of fallen crimson and yellow leaves, and plunge into the stack as though it were a featherbed. On Wednesdays I'd take a piano lesson in the basement with Mr. Klampkon, who smelled like soap. After dinner mom checked our homework. The television was never turned on until homework was done, and done right.

My daughter is in second grade. She's not home at 3:15 for milk and cookies. She doesn't come home until 5 or 6 because she goes to an after-school program. It's not my first choice but my husband and I both earn a living. When we first moved to our suburb from Manhattan I was thrilled her elementary school offered an on-site program. If I couldn't be there to bridge time between the end of her school day and supper, at least she would be enriched - or so the brochure said: The children receive healthy snacks and get help with homework. They play organized games and engage in dramatic play.

A few weeks into kindergarten I felt air leak from my chest as though it were a punctured tire every time I picked her up. A bunch of tattooed, nose-ringed counselors did little more than supervise a band a wilding children. What organized games? One day my daughter slipped off the monkey bars and broke her wrist. She was hysterical crying when my husband picked her up. "What happened?" he asked the teen-in-chief who'd applied an ice pack but failed to call my husband or me to tell us our child had an accident.

By winter, the wilding moves indoors. My daughter likes to mix it up with the older boys who play kickball. Being small and a girl, they give her a hard time. I guess that's why she ultimately agreed to partake in the "arts" portion of the after-school program, which consists of rows of children sitting blank-faced at long table "fuse-beading." The kids stick beads on peg boards and counselors iron them on to make permanent adornments. Day after day of witnessing this reminds me of the Cuckoo's Nest. I feel a cross between anger and disgust as I hold my daughter's hand while we walk to the car. "Look at what I made," she says from her car seat in the back. I try to smile but I'm weeping inside.

My mother didn't know how good she had it. She came home after a day of teaching and ran my father's business. She had that luxury because my grandmother was a second pair of hands. I imagine it was a comfort to know her girls were close at hand. My daughter's after-school program feels like a wasteland. Other than offer me the convenience of a babysitter - a rather expensive babysitter - I don't feel good about the time she spends there. I'm caught in an endless cycle of guilt and relief over having to balance my time constraints with the only choice available to me.

The other day my daughter told me she did her homework at her after-school program. Looking it over I noticed most of the math answers were wrong and the penciled scrawl was not her handwriting.

"Who did this homework?" I asked, a vein bulging in my forehead.

"The counselor," she said.

"What the hell is wrong with these people?" I yelled. "Why would she do your homework for you? What's the point of that? How are you supposed to learn? This is crazy. And she didn't even get the answers right - that's rich."

My daughter stared back at me with big-brown-eyed concern.

"Did I do something bad, Mama?"

"Come here," I said, arms extended. "Let's have some milk and cookies."

"Before dinner?" she asked.

Comments

[SpecialT]

P.S. "Milk and Cookies" moved me to tears. Thanks for that. ;)

[SugarsLady]

Part 2: As far as the homework incident, I agree it should be done by the child but the counselors have been hired to supervise the children, not tutor them. If homework help is needed then qualified staff should be available. It is unfortunate that some counselors may not be educated in how to teach basic skills but it is also not their responsibility. The way they look also has absolutely NO impact on what kind of person they are and how well they look after your child. I'd hope you don't teach your daughter to judge people by how they look so let's be a bit more mature shall we?
I noticed in your article that you never once mention that your daughter felt unhappy or bored or that she’s being treated badly by the counselors or picked on by other children. It seems it is YOU that is unhappy, not your children. Believe me, there are worse things that can happen and while I agree that more could be done, I think your situation is far from desperate. Have you even spoken to the counselors about your concerns? Posting articles will not solve these problems. I think you need to communicate these issues more directly and be the change you want to see in your child’s life.

As far as you struggling to lift your child, perhaps she should cut back on the milk and cookies…

[SugarsLady]

part 1: Tina- First of all, understand that with the economy being the way it is, many school budgets have failed causing limited funding. The “counselors” at your daycare probably make minimum wage at best and are given very limited supplies as far as art projects go. Having worked at many summer camps and art programs, I can tell you that perler beads (what you call “fuse beads”) are a great activity because it emphasizes fine motor skills and creativity without the risk of dirtying clothes like paint. The children are occupied for quite a while and get to take the item they worked on home with them at the end of the day. The fact that your daughter is proud to show off her accomplishment tells me that she enjoyed making it and seems happy with the quality of art projects they do at this facility despite your disappointments. As I said, when funds and supplies are limited, you have to work with what you have...

[SpecialT]

Dear Tina, You mean to tell me you have a blog here and I use /read Huff Post as my 'main go-to' for EVERYTHING for 1 1/2 yrs and not know? I'm thrilled to know that the NYPost doesn't have you exclusively. Thank God. I don't blog, I just read news and such and I truly don't consider the NYPost "reading", or "news" for that matter, but now that I know you're here, I'm very pleased
and look forward to reading your 'Stuff". Peace, Theresa

[nocomplaints]

When I went home from school, my older siblings were there to watch me (my mom and dad too, worked). Somedays I would be running around or bike rididng, other times, it was too cold, or I was just exhausted and I opted to stay inside. We did not have the luxury or the money for an afterschool program, just the luck that my brothers and sisters were older than I was. Most of these afterschool programs are run by highschool and college students who are working while trying to go to school to further their education. They do need to earn a living also. To degrade them and make comments on their appearance is absolutely demoralizing and indecent. I would hope that having a daughter in second grade you know the meaning of tolerance and acceptance. As for her homework, she should be doing that in the accompaniment of her parents so that they can see what she is having difficulty with and to can discuss it with her. The afterschool program should be a place for her to have fun and SOCIALIZE, something most kids do not know how to do these days. If you really feel that the program is a waste and you are so unhappy with it (after two years) you should really be out there posting columns for a babysitter instead of degrading them.. Stop making complaints and take some action yourself instead of leaving everything in the hands of others.

[limarie142]

Tina,
I do not mean to judge, or be rude, but from how you write about your situation, I don't understand how you are in the position to complain so much about what your child does when she is in the care of others. If you and your husband simply don't have the time or ability to watch your child yourselves, you should be grateful for the help that you do get, and if you do not seem to think that it is "suitable" for your child you should simply find another way to take care of her when you are too busy. Maybe the other used who posted a comment can suggest a better place for your daughter. Also, it seems as though you and your child would both be better off if you found some sort of alternative for your child after school. And I know it's rough to find a good after school program, but wouldn't you rather try than just sit here and complain? Or find a relative since you had such a great time with your grandmother?
My last response to this article would be... If you are so concerned that your child BROKE her wrist, why would you be upset that she has "voluntarily" opted out of playing kickball with older boys? It seems better that she do other activities anyway to be honest.

[maryrm66]

Tina,

Your words resonated for us as we too have struggled with the quality of after-school care combined with intense feelings of "mommy guilt." Our daughter is now in second grade and just this September we were very fortunate to have found a responsible, fun HS senior who picks her up from school, gives her the "milk & cookies" and actually sits with her to do homework before I arrive home from work. Of course, it isn't perfect but its the "next best thing." Thanks so much for illuminating yet another struggle in the quest for work-family harmony.

love your articles,

mary mastria