The Great Elementary School Conspiracy

09/26/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Watching the convention today, I saw a shrill blonde protester lady with a skull shaped head shrieking about how, when Obama was a young boy living in Indonesia, he went to a Muslim school. Muslim school. Think about it. Sure, this theory has been "debunked" by "experts" like "CNN." But this woman was so loud and so fierce, I just had to believe she was right.

This led to me wonder about other great leaders we've had and how little we really know about their early, early education. It's an important question. After all, this is not an election about policy or vision, it's not about climate change, economic disparity, or war, no, clearly it's about what spiritual journey a child takes between the ages of 6 and 10. Well, just a little bit of research unearthed some startling information:

Um, Cannot Tell a Lie?

George Washington, who, as you may know, was the first president of the United States, actually went to an English Colonial School. From the age of 6 to 10 he was completely under the influence of the Crown. And that's when he became their pawn. From that time on, as the facts clearly indicate, he was just King George's pre-programmed puppet dancing a jig for the greater glory of the good old Union Jack.

Marionette Luther?

Martin Luther? Founder of the Protestant movement (from which come the Baptists, the Presbyterians, and the Pentecostals) Guess what? Raised by Catholics. That's right. Which explains why he wound up being just like Lawrence Harvey in The Manchurian Candidate, only with the Pope Leo X playing the role of Angela Lansbury (Coincidentally, Leo X looked a lot like Jessica Fletcher.)

Charlton Heston: Elitist!

Moses? Raised by the Pharaoh. In the Pharaoh's house. Studied at the Pharaoh Pre-K through 6, at least. Perhaps some of the tribe should have thought about that before following him off into the wilderness.

Jesus? J-Dater?

Which leads me to perhaps the greatest discovery of early education indoctrination known to man ever: Jesus Christ, yes That Jesus Christ, grew up in a Jewish town called Nazareth, which means he almost certainly went to a Jewish school where he no doubt studied carpentry and how to unleaven bread. Actually, there's no telling how many Jewish rites he picked up along the way or how many Jewish messages he subtly slipped into his so called "Christianity."

I think before November comes, we should study each of these cases very carefully. Clearly, the lessons these men had subliminally shoveled into their unconscious while they were mastering spelling and simple arithmetic paved the way for the actions they took later in life. If we are foolish enough to let him become elected leader of the free world, I wouldn't be surprised if Obama turns on us just the same way these brainwashed "leaders" did. So, thank you shrill blonde protester lady with the skull shaped head, you may not have the "facts" on your side, but you may have saved the free world.

This Blogger's Books and Other Items from...