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I'm With Stupid: Get Your Minds and Bodies Out of the Toilet

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Hey, guys, I think we need to have a little talk about the birds and the bees because apparently some of you slept through your sex-ed classes or completely misunderstood your fathers when they tried to explain things to you. I know that part of the joy of sex is freedom of expression -- and I think it's great when people want to try new things -- but a few of you have been embarrassing our gender these past couple of weeks.

It all started earlier this month when firefighters were called to a hospital in Ibiza, Spain, to help a 51-year-old German man free his genitals from a sex toy. Apparently the man stuck his shaft and testicles through a metal ring in the toy, and they got lodged there and started to swell. The longer they were trapped, the more bloated they became, until doctors at the hospital found that they didn't have the proper tools for the job.

The fire department was called, and emergency responders showed up with a rotating buzz saw and started cutting away the ring. Two saw blades and two battery changes later, the man was freed from the toy and spent the night in the hospital's urology department before being released.

A few days later, in Crossville, Tenn., a 54-year-old man's home was robbed while he was there because he was distracted by a woman swimming naked in his pool.

It seems the man was having a conversation with a couple who lived nearby when the other man left and the woman asked for permission to go skinny-dipping. The homeowner, being male, was all too happy to accommodate the woman, which is a response I'm sure all of us guys can understand. But then he spent 20 minutes watching the woman swim, giving her accomplice enough time to return to the house and make off with a handgun, jewelry and some prescription medication.

Look, I know that ogling naked women is something men do, but watching a woman swim for 20 minutes when you're not a lifeguard is a little creepy. Still, it's somewhat understandable, and to a lesser extent the sex-toy situation is, too. I mean, it is a sex toy; the man was using it for its stated purpose even if he was doing it wrong.

So I'd be willing to let those guys slide, and trust me, if those were the only two incidents, I wouldn't have bothered to mention them, but things got quite a bit worse for males last week.

For starters, there was the case of Ohio resident Edwin Tobergta, who was arrested for the second time for attempting to have sexual relations with an inflatable raft.

The 32-year-old first made headlines two years ago when a neighbor called the cops to report that Tobergta was on top of the neighbor's raft with his pants around his ankles. When the cops arrived, Tobergta fled with the raft, only to be arrested a short time later.

Evidently the cops let Tobergta keep the flotation device because last week a child saw him step out his back door naked, whereupon he tried to have sex with the same raft. Once again, the cops were called to take Tobergta away, making this the fifth time he's been arrested on charges relating to sexual deviance or public indecency.

As pathetic as Tobergta's story may be, however, it pales in comparison with what transpired in Oklahoma just a few days earlier. The story goes something like this: A woman at a water park in the town of Sand Springs had to go to the bathroom, which I'm going to assume had pit toilets that allow waste to drop straight into a septic tank.

When the woman lifted the lid on the toilet, she discovered a 52-year-old man, Kenneth Enslow, lurking in the tank so he could look up at women as they did their business. The police were called, and Enslow, covered in human waste, was helped from the septic tank, sprayed down with a fire hose and escorted to jail.

I imagine you can now see why we guys might benefit from a little refresher course when it comes to matters of sex. Obviously, we're missing the point a little bit. And while I'm by no means an expert on the subject -- I am married after all -- I've never gotten stuck in a sex toy, so I think I'm qualified to remind men everywhere that it's really not OK to hang out in septic tanks or have sex with rafts.

Todd Hartley now understands why Americans are sometimes called "crazy seppos." To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.