Some people think that scientists research their unresolved personal issues. Well, I study rejection and social anxiety, and like everyone else on the planet, I have experienced my share of both.
My first kiss was at age 7 with an older cousin. In the garage, she casually played rocket man on a red fisher price record player. There was nothing at all pleasurable about the slow dance, kiss or awkward silence. But I did think my friends would be impressed with my official entry as a sexual being. A tactical mistake. Their expressions of disgust were enough to impact me, no words were necessary.
When someone passed a note in class that said, "Todd kisses his family all over their bodies," I experienced a sinking feeling that only got worse over the day. Friends felt the need to be physically distant from me. Everyone sat at least two seats away from me at lunch. Rendered invisible for a mere hour, just one hour, I felt alone, alienated, as if I didn't exist.
Looking back, I find the incident to be an innocent reminder of childhood. I didn't lose any friends. I mocked myself much more than anyone else did. Yet, I can still recall the visceral feeling of being excluded. The tightness in my stomach, the inability to look people in the eye and the dejection of sitting alone in a room full of people, where it took great willpower to lift a fork to my mouth. I can remember it all. It makes it easy to imagine the devastation of people who are victims of chronic ostracism.
I won't bore you with more recent tales. I want to turn to the science. How much rejection is required to experience pain and to doubt life's meaning? The quick answer: not much.
The average person feels ignored, excluded or ostracized approximately once per day. Most of these incidents are "seemingly" trivial. The word "seemingly" is essential because acute pain is the norm. In a study conducted this year, a trained researcher walked past other pedestrians and did one of the following:
1. Glanced quickly at them.
2. Gave a perfunctory nod and smile.
3. Looked right past them, as if they didn't exist.
Another member of the research team hiding in a shrub would stop the pedestrians to ask a few questions about whether they feel disconnected from other people. When pedestrians didn't get any acknowledgment from the stranger passing them, they reported a substantially lower sense of connection to other people.
These findings mirror research of elevator riders from over 20 years ago that showed how being completely ignored by the stranger standing next to you leads to a shift away from happiness toward hurtful feelings. Take a moment to think about this, just a glance from a stranger helps us remain connected to other people ... and then there's the driver that refuses to give you the nominal wave after you let their car cut in front of you (grrrrr).
In the weirdest studies, people played a five-minute computer game of ball toss with another person. Unbeknownst to the research participant, the other person was an actor given a script to be accepting, by throwing them the ball regularly, or to ostracize them, by keeping the ball away.
In some cases, they were told that it's unlikely they would like the other person. Black participants were told the other person was a KKK member, Jewish participants were told the other person collected Nazi paraphernalia, feminists were told the other person was a fluffer working for a pornographer. You get the idea. What happened?
The impact of being left out of the ball tossing game was the same regardless of whether the stranger seemed like a friend or foe. Either way, after a mere five minutes of not getting the ball in a pointless computer game, people felt an increase in sadness, despair and hostility, and a decrease in self-esteem, belonging, sense of control and meaning in life.
It's easy to underestimate the power of inaction and thus, parents, teachers, bosses and friends often neglect the consequences of ostracism. Even when someone from a despised group rejects us, we feel the psychological sting. The cruelest bodily tortures often pale in comparison to the impotence of being left out. Time to bring those powerful human capacities for awareness, openness and compassion to bear on the people that cross our path.
NOTE: for more, listen to me and the rest of the paneldiscussing social anxiety and shyness at The Diane Rehm Show on NPR
Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University who regularly give keynotes and workshops to business executives, organizations, schools, parents, retirees and health professionals on well-being. He authored "Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life" and "Designing Positive Psychology." If you're interested in speaking engagements or workshops related to this topic or others, contact me by going to www.toddkashdan.com
Follow Todd Kashdan on Twitter: www.twitter.com/toddkashdan
Rejection.
My existence is a masterpiece of solo acted theater.
Life is the platform. People are the audience.
Everyone is allowed to watch. No admission fee required.
I’m the greatest actor on earth, and beyond.
I can’t play myself for my character is egocentric.
So I perform as you. I ‘am my audience.
I’m the chameleon of spectator art.
I play as my audience as it is appealing.
For everyone adores themselves.
I play as my audience for protection.
As no one likes to reject themselves.
I’m your greatest mimicker. I can read your emotions in a blink.
I have no time to empathize. I must comprehend.
For comprehension means awareness.
For Understanding my audience advances the spectacle.
However mind debilitating, I must endure. I must improve my art.
For I cannot accept rejection.
I ‘am you. I ‘am Selfless.
For I must appease you.
I ‘am you. I ‘am Narcissistic.
For I must protect myself .
I have written a few more on.
http://themahdiblog.wordpress.com
Thank you, Mom and Dad for the good lessons!
Cheers,
Marion
This is incredibly powerful and useful. I found this a perfect summary of the lesson I drew from the artilcle!
Not to nitpick or reject anyone's otherwise valid comments but I do wish people would understand the usage of "could care less" and/or "couldn't care less." If one could care less it means they haven't reached the final level where they don't care about something. If they couldn't care less it means they've reach the maximum of not caring. So if I "could care less" about what you think of my hairstyle it still bothers me on some level... but if I "couldn't care less" your opinion has absolutely no impact and is of no concern to me at all. Yes its semantics but its also about clarity and proper usage and it does make a difference on how people interpret other's remarks. At the very least it causes some confusion... does she care? or doesn't she?
Didn't mean that to come across as preachy -- you just seem like a perfect candidate to reach out a hand -- and to help others even as you help yourself. :-)
As for interaction on elevators, it has changed over the years. Men used to show their appreciation of pretty or stylish women on elevators. They no longer do. I don't expect a show of appreciation, as I am quite a bit older now; however, I watch their reaction when a young pretty girl gets on the elevator. Nothing. No reaction. They look straight ahead. Sometimes a man is so intent on looking at himself in the elevator mirror, he doesn't even notice the pretty girl!
I have my theories as to why this has happened. Would be interested in other people's thoughts.
The above statement is wishful thinking.
Speak for yourself, many people could care less about "ostracism"/"rejection". It's a matter of how psychologically fit the person is. The anecdotes provided have a strong appeal to emotion but falls flat when applied to different people.
To some people rejection or ostracism from a person or group could be an extremely devastating psychologically traumatic event and their behaviors reflect that(herd people) these tend to be conformist and people who do what they believe they should do rather than what they want to do.
For others it's an inconsequential event and life goes on(individualist).
The generalization made in the article fails to account for many variables. Such as psychological, resilience, personality type and a particular persons hierarchy of needs or what brings happiness to that particular person.
and yes, there are people who could care less about rejection but this is not healthy. There's an evolutionary reason that we fear rejection and thats because in the ancestral environment, lone wolfs did not survive the elements, predators, and learn sufficiently about what can be eaten and whats poisonous. People who could care less about rejection often possess other traits such as callousness, grandiose self-worth, lack of remorse, and shallowness. In other words, sociopathic traits.
As I said earlier the statement has a strong appeal to emotion but it doesn't hold up empirically.
In short you're implying that:
- Anyone who can handle rejection is a sociopath.
- Humans are incapable of surviving without a group.
Both of these statements are untrue due to their broad brush nature.
America is a nation founded on individualism and rebellion. Many success stories are of people who made it without a group either by choice or by ostracism.
Sociopath along with narcissist are the newest pop psychology term which due to it's vague description can apply to anyone who chooses to behave a certain way towards a particular individual.
Someone can be callous, shallow, pompous, and lack remorse for person A(business rival). while being the polar opposite to person B(mother).
Does that mean someone is a sociopath? No, it means they do not like Person A and treats them accordingly.
Rejection like anything else is something that can be conditioned to have a lesser effect than it would without conditioning. Similar to the way Muay Thai practitioners condition their shins and forearms
Rejection hurts everyone in high school. It should be a non-issue once a person finishes college.
http://www.businessinsider.com/4-forensic-psychology-studies-that-can-keep-you-from-being-stupid-2011-9#ixzz1Y9VBXDHJ
Number 4 in the linked article has a great amount of wisdom to it.
Strength is hard to come by now days. So many gloomy people licking imaginary wounds. It's sad really. Weakness is so Un-American.