When Jeff decided three and a half years ago to start performing in drag I never thought there would be so much to learn as a drag husband. It's not like there is a manual. There really should be. So that got me thinking what have I learned in the last three and a half years being married to a drag queen? This isn't all I learned but I would say this is my top 10, in no particular order.
1. Don't touch a drag queen's wig
Just like Taylor Swift is Never Ever Ever getting back together with any of her exes, Never Ever Ever touch a drag queen's wig. Doing this could cost you a limb or two. Drag queens spend a lot of time and money on their hair and the majority of them do not take kindly to some one messing with it or god forbid attempt to remove it. If for some reason you feel the urge to touch their weave, please refrain or at the very least ask permission first, if you don't I feel very sorry for you.
2. Only speak to a drag queen when spoken to while they are painting
For those unfamiliar with the term "painting," this refers to when a drag queen is applying their make up to transform into character. There are some queens that can talk and joke while they are painting, but until you know whether they are this type or not, only speak to them when they speak to you. I made the mistake of trying to talk to Vivian when she first started painting and she almost took my head off. So to this day I will only speak to her when she speaks to me while she is painting.
3. Don't try to punk a queen with a microphone
I can honestly say I learned this one firsthand. Jeff and I were at a talent show for the Columbus Gay Men's Chorus and I made the mistake of letting a person talk me into going up on the stage while a queen was hosting and interrupt and make fun of her. I thought it was funny and so did everyone else. Except at the end of the show I was brought back up on stage and made to put on a wig and dance, which was not fun. Drag queens will always have the last word I have seen it at numerous drag shows. Being on the mic is part of what drag queens do and the large majority of them are extremely talented at it.
4. Don't text during a drag show
If you are attending a drag show you should be there to watch the show not text your friends or play on your phone. If you choose to do this, especially if you are sitting in the front row, be prepared for a drag queen to stop the show or, even worse, make you part of their number. I can't tell you how many times I have seen queens take audience members' phones or bring them up on stage because they were paying more attention to their phone than the show. This is extremely entertaining for the audience but quite embarrassing for the person on their phone. So unless you want to part of the show, do not text during the show.
5. Tip generously but don't throw coins
It's expensive for a drag queen to purchase every thing they need to perform a number. Not to mention it takes a lot of courage for them to get up on stage and put themselves out there for everyone to judge. So please tip them as generously as you can afford. However, under no circumstances should you tip in coins or throw coins up on stage. It's an insult to a queen and depending on the queen could get you thrown out of the venue or called out in front of the entire audience.
6. Don't get up on stage when a drag queen is performing
No matter how much you have had to drink or how much you enjoy the song the drag queen is performing; don't ever get up on stage when a drag queen is performing. In most cases you will either be thrown off the stage or removed by other queens. On very rare occasions you will become part of the number. I have not seen that happen very often.
7. Many styles of drag -- respect them all
I can't even count how many styles of drag I have seen queens perform. Have all of them been my cup of tea? No, not all have been; however, I will say I respect each and every one of them because drag is an art form and it takes talent to perfect it. It's also something I know I could never do. So for all those reasons it deserves my respect and I give it. So should you. I'm not saying don't have an opinion, just be respectful with that opinion. Having an opinion doesn't give you the right to share it with everyone at the show or via the internet.
8. Always do what a drag queen says, don't argue
This one is pretty simple. A drag queen always gets their way sooner or later so you may as well just give in and forgo the argument. I have to say I'm still learning this one, three years later. I still think I am going to win an argument with Vivian and I honestly don't think I have.
9. Park the car close
Between wigs, costumes, shoes, makeup and possible props drag queens have a lot that needs to be carried in and out of what ever bar they are performing in. So try to park the car as close as possible even if you have to pay for parking it will make your life so much easier. Again, personal experience is talking here.
10. Corseted drag queens can't bend
This rule may only apply to Vivian, but drag queens who choose to corset themselves to achieve that hourglass figure can't bend once the corset is tied. So be prepared to pick up anything they may drop or put on their shoes for them. You may also have to shove them in the car, which I have had to do on one or two occasions to Vivian.
BONUS: The song can make or break a drag queen's performance
Any one that has seen a drag show or RuPaul's Drag Race knows that a drag queen's performance is centered on lip-synching to a song. What they probably don't know is that song can make or break the performance. I have seen drag queens give a performance of their life and not get a reaction from the crowd because the song didn't connect with the audience or was unknown. I have also seen drag queens come out and almost stand on stage, but because the song was popular the audience went crazy. It is very perplexing.
So there are the 10 things, plus a bonus, I have learned being married to a drag queen. Be sure to read www.diaryofadragqueenhusband.com for other lessons learned.