I've had my mustache for thirty-three years and I'm now used to street urchins flinging orange peel and contumely in my direction. But, as we say, if you can't take the abuse, don't grow the mustache. On the positive side, I'm often stopped by ladies who want to compliment me on it, and I always offer them the chance to give it a stroke. It is a wonderful way to make new friends. When they ask why I grew it I always tell them that you don't grow a mustache - a mustache grows you. It truly is an outcrop of a gentleman's personality. There are as many different mustaches as there are chaps, but there is also a clear system of mustache classification, which includes such wonderful names as the "handlebar," "toothbrush," "pencil," and imperial. One of the 1001 subjects I've covered in my latest book, The Gentleman's Bedside Companion, is mustaches, and how to grow them (stop shaving, basically), so I thought a whistle-stop tour of the available styles might be of interest.