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Tom D'Antoni Headshot

It's Time to Change My Middle Name

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My middle name is "Vincent." On Monday morning I'm going to go to city hall and have it changed to "William" or "John" or something less ethnic.

See, I may run for office and I would hate to have my opponent say my middle name over and over and over. I mean, I've never been a member of an organized crime family (that I know of). Really.

Just think how bad for me it would be if voters got the impression I was just like Vincent "Chin" Gigante, or mistake me for him, even though he's dead.

(I wonder if Bill Cunningham would have used "Chin" to imply that the boss was a Chinese Communist?)

Suppose they thought I was like Vinnie "Big Pussy" Ponpensiero and wanted to dump my lifeless body in the Atlantic Ocean?

On the other hand, my middle name could get me votes. There are seven towns named Vincent (Alabama, Minnesota, Pennsylvania -- East and West Vincent, Louisiana -- Port Vincent, and Minnesota -- St. Vincent).

I wouldn't want people to get the impression that I'm Catholic, either. Since the Catholic Church has been complicit in war, conquest, support of Benito Musselini, and pedophilia. There are seven Saints named Vincent. I don't have to name them, do I? You can name them just as easily as Presidents of the United States #20 thru #29, right?

No, siree, I'm dumping my middle name. Nobody will ever guess that I'm Italian just by looking at the rest of my name "Tom D'Antoni."

Forward this to Bill Cunningham in Cincinnati. I don't want him coming after me too. He looks deranged and dangerous.

Note to Mike D'Antoni, coach of the Phoenix Suns: listen buddy, I don't know what your middle name is, but you had better change it quick.