What stops an unhappy woman from leaving her husband or lover? What prevents someone who is miserable in his job from making a switch? To what extent are those decisions inhibited by worry about what other people might think? Ultimately it comes down to us looking for approval, and in some cases making sure we don't receive disapproval from others. The need for approval has been conditioned in us from the day we were born. Approval from others gives us a sense of higher self-esteem. We're convinced that their recognition matters to our self worth and how deeply we value ourselves.
When I faced the difficult decision to leave my family business I thought, "If I leave, who will I be?" A great deal of my adult self-image had been fostered and developed there. I worried what my wife would think if the money suddenly disappeared and I could no longer provide for our family in the same way. I worried what my friends would think if I had to sell our vacation home. And yet, with all of those questions, it wasn't until I asked one very important one that I realized what I needed to do: "Why would I continue to stay in a situation that was making me increasingly miserable?" I soon realized the only solution was to do what was right for me, no matter the outcome. When I was able to let go of caring about what other people thought and make my decisions free and clear of other people's opinions, I could easily and powerfully move forward on my own terms.
There are two types of decision makers in the world. The first are internal decision makers. These are the people who self-analyze every step, every option, every possible outcome and never talk it through with others. This doesn't mean they don't care about others opinions. In fact, my experience is that it is quite the opposite. They've been burned so many times, they choose to make their decisions on their own as a way of avoiding being rejected.
The second is an external decision maker. These people constantly seek the opinions of others, asking for their approval in ways such as, "Do you like this idea?," "Am I right?," "Does this dress look nice on me?," "Are we in the right place?," "Am I doing the right thing" and "Are we okay?" They're thought of as team players because they want to get everyone involved in their process. They simply can't move forward without the validation from others.
Have you ever come up with an idea that you thought was brilliant?
You said to yourself, "No one else has ever thought of this" and you're going to make millions of dollars on it, right?
You tell your wife, best friend, boss and they say, "That's a terrible idea! No one will ever buy that."
Wham! You've been stopped cold before you ever had the chance to get your idea off the ground. What happened to the dream? It died on the table. Someone else's opinion meant more to you than your dream. You placed a higher value on their opinion than your brilliant idea. Imagine if the founders of Apple, Facebook and Google gave up the first time someone told them "no" or said, "no one will ever spend that much time connecting with friends on a computer!"
The addiction to the opinion of others affects areas of your life you may not even be aware of. For example, your decision to live in a particular neighborhood, drive a certain car, send your kid to private school, wearing designer labels, the watch around your wrist, the vacations you go on, the clubs you belong to, all of these things are tied to what someone else thinks.
The addiction to what other people think has another significant impact; it represses us, which in turn keeps us in a sort of purgatory, afraid of the consequences of pursuing the life we really want. "If I do this, they will say ____________ ... " You won't be happy because you believe that people are judging you. It becomes easier to stay miserable so everyone else in the status quo will be fine.
Since we are the stories we tell ourselves, they impact the way we behave. When we release from an old story, we let go of our self-imposed conversations and traps that keep us stuck. In the process, we become more sure of ourselves, become more expressive and are more likely to make decisions that move our life forward because we're no longer living from that story that has been holding us back.
Still not convinced you suffer from this addiction? Try wearing a tutu to your office tomorrow or trading in your sports car for a bus pass. Stop going to the gym, getting Botox injections, coloring your hair or getting manicures. Go home and tell your spouse you aren't happy. Walk into your boss's office and tell him/her you quit!
The only way to have complete freedom from this addiction is not to care about the outcome. It takes practice and courage to not place any level of importance on someone else's opinion. Remember, an opinion is not fact. It may not even be the truth. It is merely someone else's view about an issue that is based solely on personal judgment and therefore should not have any impact on your choices!
6 Sure Signs You Suffer from the Addiction to the Opinions of Others
1. You are Concerned about What Others Are Saying or think About You.
2. You Have Good Ideas and Intentions but Find Yourself Afraid to Act on Them.
3. You Over Leveraged Yourself Financially in the Last Decade with Cars, Clothes, Homes,
Jewelry and More.
4. You Are Constantly Seeking Other People's Approval or Avoiding Their Disapproval
5. You're Afraid to Speak in Public
6. You're Afraid to Speak Your Mind
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Tom Ferry: Are You Addicted to Worry?
http://www.myrelationshipguy.com/lifecoach
I'm retired from Addiction Medicine.
If more people would go through a program of recovery (thats something *everyone* should do) you'd already know that every one of the points listed by this blogger is part of one diagnosis, that is:
Co-Dependency.
Geez, I'm so tired of coming to HuffPost and seeing amateurs blog, then other amateurs reply in comments.
Get a clue people, and get to know Co-Dependency because you are probably waaay more
Co-dependent than you think....or the other people in your life are co-dependent, and that's enough to make YOU co-dependent.
Either way, it's incredibly ironic and I wanted you to know that I really appreciate that--I love good irony.
I'm retired from Addiction Medicine, I've got three college degrees in Psychology and Addiction Medicine and spent 34 years in counseling in hospitals, and private practice.
The person who wrote this is not a professional. Not at all. If they were, they would already know that ALL the points mentioned fall under one diagnosis. The author apparently doesn't have the training or licensure to know this. The author of the blog is an amateur. Period.
... every one of the points listed by this blogger is part of one diagnosis, that is: Co-Dependency.
Co-Dependency.
Geez, I'm so tired of coming to HuffPost and seeing amateurs blog, then other amateurs reply in comments. If you care enough about an amateur post to be commenting on it, in an attempt to defend yourself against "addiction to the opnions of others" then you are not only Co-Dependent, you've just bought into something written by an amateur, not a professional, and it got to you.
This article is no better than crap that appears in Cosmo magazine people.
Auck.
Because we are social animals dominated by a consumer culture which makes a profit off making us feel insecure.
Before I got married I would think at times that we shouldn't get married, and I'm sad to say that in thinking how our friends and family might react, I pushed thoughts of separation away. I felt like not getting married, and later getting a divorce, were complete signs of failure.
After I did decide to end the relationship, I was surprised at how supportive everyone was. Many people said they respected my courage to do what was right for me. I think that's why we can't run around trying to make everyone happy - we only have half-baked ideas about how other people think and feel, it's pointless trying to stay one step ahead of everyone when you fall back yourself.
The truth is, it's our own lives, we are the ones that have to make the decisions and live with them.
You must mean something else.
That is not to say that we should give up our ability to think for ourselves, but to remember that most of us live in groups, not as single, solitary individuals, without relationships.
Thus, "What stops an unhappy woman from leaving her husband or spouse?" can be balanced with "What stops an individual from caring only about themselves, and giving no thought to their spouse and children?" This is not a flippant observation; we live our lives balancing our personal desires with the needs of our families and friends, and that is as it should be.
And, of course, too much reliance on either is probably not healthy.
I'm retired from Addiction Medicine, I've got three college degrees in Psychology and Addiction Medicine and spent 34 years in counseling in hospitals, and private practice.
The person who wrote this is not a professional. Not at all. If they were, they would already know that ALL the points mentioned fall under one diagnosis. The author apparently doesn't have the training or licensure to know this. The author of the blog is an amateur. Period.
... every one of the points listed by this blogger is part of one diagnosis, that is: Co-Dependency.
Co-Dependency.
Geez, I'm so tired of coming to HuffPost and seeing amateurs blog, then other amateurs reply in comments. If you care enough about an amateur post to be commenting on it, in an attempt to defend yourself against "addiction to the opnions of others" then you are not only Co-Dependent, you've just bought into something written by an amateur, not a professional, and it got to you.
This article is no better than crap that appears in Cosmo magazine people.
Auck.
Sometimes we're guided to make mistakes because important lessons may come from how we choose to deal with those big and small blunders. Those can be very valuable on a number of levels, and in some cases - depending on choices - be greatly empowering in their own right.
For me life is primarily about the lessons we learn through the choices we make.
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=11433
The second essay is via a link at the end of the first essay. Kegan does an excellent job of explaining how one "phase" of a person's development morphs into the next. All relevant to this topic.
The truth is, however, that others generally don't think much about us at all. It's all in our minds! The stories we tell ourselves about what others may think of us only serve to make us feel bad, inadequate, worried, anxious and stressed.
When we change our thinking we come to the realization that what truly matters is how we think about ourselves. Change your thinking and you will change your life!
http://www.thinklessbemore.com