How to Save the Awards Season

01/16/2008 01:20 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Never again do I want to watch an awards event without a glorious audience of beautiful stars: The Golden Globes made me think of one of those Michel Gondry movies with their ironic-pathetic low dazzlement. Surely I'm not supposed to think about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind during the Golden Globes. Anyway, if the strike continues -- which is to say, if it affects the Oscars--or if, in fact, any circumstance should threaten the Oscars -- I have an idea, and I would like to share it. Someone should raid whatever warehouse is storing those Team America celebrity marionettes and bring them out and dangle them up and down the red carpet. You'll recall the puppets included a mock George Clooney and a mock Sean Penn and a mock Susan Sarandon and quite a few more. They wouldn't talk, of course, but they can wave, they can mingle, they can skip with joy, they can trip over their gowns, they can nod or shake their heads in response to a string of simple yes/no questions. They can sit and lift drinks and forks and cigarettes -- only nothing so heavy as a trophy. They can even picket. And they're probably available for paparazzi footage and the next round of presidential inaugural balls. Start planning now!