09/24/2012 03:10 pm ET | Updated Nov 24, 2012

First, I want to offer my sincere apologies to the voters of my district and to anyone who's seen the YouTube clip of me that unfortunately seems to have gone viral.

In a setting I thought was private, I used the wrong words in the wrong way. I meant to use other words and say them in a way that couldn't offend anyone. That's why the voters keep sending me back to Washington year after year. Unfortunately, I fell short. Words were uttered. Mistakes were made. People got mad. Poll numbers went down. The whole incident has been unfortunate, and I trust we can put that behind us, as you join with me to build a stronger America.

Incidentally, when I was quoted last week saying that I favored privatizing Social Security and turning Medicare into a voluntary voucher program, I got a little confused. What I meant to say is that Social Security and Medicare are vital social safety nets that are too important to dismantle. At least not until after the election.

By the way, when I implied moments ago that I might dismantle Social Security and Medicare just after the election, I made a mistake. I meant to think that sentence to myself, not actually say it out loud.

Also, I might add, there's been some confusion over the TV interview I gave several weeks ago to a Christian cable outlet in which I appeared to say that women were inferior to men, except when it came to housework. In truth, I think women are every bit the equal of men in all sorts of jobs, and they're better at housework. That's a compliment, for Christ sake! And, I might add, a compelling argument for more women staying at home doing what they do best. I'm a women's libber myself, I believe in choice for the little ladies.

By the way, when I used the phrase "little ladies" a moment ago, it was not meant to demean females, but rather it was a term of endearment. Jesus, can't you say anything nowadays without some dame crawling up your ass about the words you use in a totally unrehearsed speech? If you ask me, some of them need to get laid.

Incidentally, when I seemingly implied that my most strident female critics need to get laid, you misheard me. The acoustics in here are terrible. What I actually said was that my female critics have no reason to be afraid.

OK, while we're at it, when I recently spoke in favor of a state plan to require voters to present picture ID before they can cast their ballots, I said it was "for the purpose of cutting down on voter fraud," not to "screw the blacks and the Hispanics" as it was rendered by some irresponsible bloggers. Let me say this: The right to vote is a sacred American trust... but only if you can trust the voter to be an American. Hey, who wants a T-shirt with that slogan printed on it? Got it Black, Men's XL only.

Oh, by the way, when I was quoted as saying that every American should be able to visit a hospital emergency room for free, my words were garbled. What I actually said was that every American is free to visit a hospital emergency room. How that person pays for treatment is between him, his employer and his insurance company. And let me also say that there are too many unemployed and uninsured people out there, we have to do better. And while we're at it, let's give raises to emergency room doctors. You gotta love them.

As for the rumor that I recently told a Reuters reporter that the earth was created fewer than 500 years ago, and that so-called dinosaur fossils are God's way of testing our faith... well, that's been taken completely out of context. What I actually said was that God sent an angel to a man in upstate New York named Joseph Smith in the 1820s, gave him a set of golden plates inscribed with an obscure history of ancient American civilization and mandated that his followers henceforth wear special underwear and refrain from drinking caffeinated beverages.

Ha, ha, only kidding. No one would believe a story like that. No, what I really said was that that so-called dinosaur fossils are God's way of testing our faith. Come on, ever wonder why we never find a completely intact dinosaur, only a skeleton? Think about it.

OK, how many people here think I'm kidding about the dinosaurs? Well, I'm not. Unless you want me to be. Then, I'm totally am. By the way, how many undecided voters do we have here in the room tonight? I know, you're the ones who aren't sure whether you should raise your hands, aren't you? Well, God bless you. Democracy depends on you. You're the reason I get out of bed every morning.

While I'm at it, when some media outlets reported that I said that my upcoming election campaign would be "bigger than Jesus," my words were misconstrued. In reality, my campaign will be smaller than Jesus, though considerably larger than John the Baptist, not counting his beheading.

Sorry, my press secretary is whispering in my ear to cut this short. Wrapping up, let me be clear: I'm not here to create any controversy by bringing up religion, or in any way comparing myself to Jesus or John the Baptist, whether or not he has a head. I don't want to fall in the trap of saying something "controversial" -- the media jackals would just love that. Let's just say that my campaign will be very, very big -- perhaps not as big as Jesus, but pretty damn close.

Sorry, pardon the French.

I misspoke.