Your hospital bag is unpacked, your living room looks like Babies"R"Us and Fisher-Price had a drunken frat party, and you spend 20 minutes a day poking your Pillsbury Doughboy-esque postpartum pooch.
Congratulations! You have a newborn.
As if the dirty bottle graveyard encompassing your kitchen didn't clue you in, here are ten other ways you know you have a newborn in the house.
1. Due to your mammoth, milk-producing breasts, you now put deodorant under your boobs because boob sweat is a real thing and it smells worse than your armpits during those first few months of puberty.
2. You've had your best friend hide your credit cards from you because there's nothing to watch at 3 a.m. but infomercials and last night you were positive you had to own a bread maker that also cleaned your toilet.
3. You've given up eating foods which require two hands or the use of utensils. Or you've gone all caveman on it and just grab a handful of spaghetti straight out of the pot.
4. Every article of clothing labeled "Dry Clean Only" has been packed up and put in the back of the closet, because that ain't happening anytime soon.
5. You find yourself swaying and rocking back and forth in the canned goods aisle even though you aren't actually holding the baby.
6. You've realized you don't actually know the words to any nursery rhymes, so you sing Barry Manilow to your baby instead.
7. Notarized letters have been sent to every possible delivery service (Post Office, UPS, FedEx, Pizza Hut) instructing them about how to let you know they've arrived, because if they knock on the door and wake up your baby one more time you're going to kill them.
8. You're making a list of everyone who tells you to "enjoy every moment," and vow to call them at 3 a.m. when your baby won't go back to sleep. The "sleep while the baby sleeps" folks may get two calls.
9. You don't understand how you can make a bottle with your eyes closed -- literally -- but you still stub your toe on the bed frame every night.
10. Last night you mistakenly washed your hair with body wash, but you still consider it a victory because, hey, you got a shower today and clean is clean!
Oh, and you have a baby. Go smell its head or something.
You can find more from Toni Hammer at Is It Bedtime Yet, on Facebook, and on Twitter.
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