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Toni Nagy Headshot

My Vagina Needs Plastic Surgery?

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According to plastic surgeons all over the world, my vagina is an unholy mess and needs to be fixed with plastic surgery. I had no idea! I always thought a warm, gooey hole to put a penis in was sufficient -- but au contraire. Forget the fact that my clam sandwich was burly enough for a human head to slide out of it, because the real purpose of the kitten between your legs is form, not function.

You are probably wondering, "Wait, what is wrong with her fur burger?" Probably everything! And there is a whole industry built around making you feel like your pleasure pocket is yucky and that you should fix it. I understand that this cosmetic procedure is in fact a business, and in order to obtain clients, they must first make women feel insecure about their goodies. But according to this study examining the content and implications of online ads for female genital cosmetic surgery, the quality of information is inadequate, and there is only minimum scientific information of outcomes or risks presented. The message of these designer vagina makers is that if you want to satisfy your man, you better take a knife to your labia, even if that means risking a "botched" vagina, a visual that will haunt me until the end of time.

There is an array of different marketing strategies to target potential customers. For one, if you have birthed a baby, you are reminded that your poontang is a chaotic disaster zone. Whoever is having sex with you is lost in your floppy, flabby vag. And according to gynocosmetics.com, it is common for your torn-up lady parts to be " a source of disharmony and resentment" between you and that stellar man who now disdains your fun pocket because you pushed his baby out of it. Don't even think about doing kegels, either, because nothing can fix the damage your child has inflicted. The only thing that will help is stitches, and lots of them.

Even if you haven't spurted a spawn from your vulva, it may still be all jacked up, lips flapping everywhere, hanging like beef curtains. How dare you? Your beaver is not supposed to resemble a flower with soft petals. The Regency Clinic warns this may be "embarrassing," or may "put off your partner." Georgia O'Keeffe was an idiot! Your fish taco is supposed to be smooth and devoid of all pleats. Haven't you ever seen Barbie's crotch? It is just skin and space. Your genitals are supposed to be like that. Duh! These same medical professionals at Regency also caution that your shriveled wrinkly front bottom can look old and "your partner can see evidence of aging." Fix that quick! It looks so old down there.

In some cultures it is important to be a virgin when you get married, so you can also get your hymen repaired to make sure you bleed all over the place when he enters you. Boy, if there is anything I would like to relive, it's losing my virginity. But with hymenoplasty, you can slut it up as much as you like, and then lie to your new husband about your past. This may not be a great recipe for intimacy, trust, or accepting someone for who they are, but it's better than sleeping only with one man for your entire life. If you live in an oppressive patriarchal hypocritical regime, then this seems like a pretty good option.

So there it is, ladies! There are plenty of options for how to be more sexually appealing to your man. And, as we know, the more we focus on how attractive we are, the happier we will be. Caring about stupid stuff like your mind and personality is silly when you can pay a plastic surgeon to first make you feel bad about yourself, and then give you porn star tits and the cooch of a 12-year-old alien -- void of any hair or folds. I find so much comfort and meaning in this, don't you?

It was inevitable that the culture of plastic surgery would migrate further south, past the face and breasts and stomach stapling. There are countless rationales for why people subject themselves to this type of work, and many feel improving their looks will have a positive effect on their self-confidence. And perhaps this is true. But the hitch with this justification is that eventually, every body will get old and deteriorate. At some point, you have to find value beyond vanity, and denying the inescapable seems futile.

Unless you have a severe deformity, plastic surgery is motivated by fear. The fear of one's own mortality. To look like you are aging will only remind you that you are in fact dying. Contemplating impermanence in a real way would drastically change not only our culture of consumerism, but also our relationship to beauty standards. If we allowed ourselves to think about death we might actually try to appreciate life rather than worry about our looks and spending $10 billion a year on surgeries promising to make us look young forever.

Getting plastic surgery on your pink velvet sausage wallet may seem like a good idea to some, but let me tell you why it is ridiculous. Men are not that picky when it comes to aesthetics. Have you ever seen a guy's house that he decorated himself, without a "woman's touch?" There usually isn't any attention paid to details as long as he has a place to come home to. So you see, ladies, your man is not seriously judging the beauty of your vertical smile -- as long as you let him inside it.