THE BLOG
12/07/2012 01:34 pm ET Updated Feb 06, 2013

How to Make the Mother of Your Child Want to Have Sex With You

A lot of things can make a woman feel sexy: lace tights, a sideways glance at just the right moment, Ryan Gosling. But you know what doesn't make a woman feel like an erotic minx of sensuality? Cleaning vomit out of her hair, making spaghetti that gets thrown on the floor and cleaning poo particles out of her child's genitals. They say marriage affects your sex life? I hate to tell you this, guys, but the spawn of your orgasm is the greatest cock blocker you will ever know.

This issue is so common it's almost a cliché. Man impregnates woman and they have fun, period-free condomless sex for eight months or until positioning gets awkward. He assumes things will continue like this post-baby, but he is wrong. So very wrong.

There are many reasons why sex is complicated for the first few months with your infant. For one, your woman's vagina has PTSD. It just sits there, shivering under a wool blanket, smoking cigarettes and repeating "I have seen things" over and over. Her breasts are leaking milk, which is substantially less erotic than champagne, and makes her feel like a cow. She is also dealing with the identity shift of becoming a mother and realizing that her needs are no longer her priority. Not to mention that her body just stretched and contracted like she was manhandled by a demented clown making balloon animals. It takes time to feel comfortable in her own skin again.

For the man, this is confusing. He is also dealing with sleep deprivation, the wonder and awe of becoming a parent, trying to shed the sympathy pregnancy pounds that were so easy to pack on while also eating ice cream at two in the morning, but his libido remains intact. Not to mention the fact that his woman's engorged tits make her look like a porn star. It doesn't matter if the baby is sleeping in the bed next to you -- it's not like they will remember, right?

The reality is, this is no one's fault. We live in a society isolated from one another in our own boxes, making it challenging to exist in a true community. Back in hunter-gatherer days, you could just throw your child out of the cave to get busy while Gorg and his wife Pog made sure they weren't eaten by wolves. And if they were, you'd probably later kill that wolf and share the meat. Point is, because we all live by ourselves, the responsibility of raising a child is on ourselves. It is a lot of work that can overrun our lives. We're just trying to do the best we can, but if couples lose all the passion in their relationship, eventually this will infect other areas of their connection.

Even as your infant becomes a toddler, your sex life will probably still suffer. Spontaneous morning sex is hard when your child is poking you in the face at six in the morning demanding oatmeal and smelling like they have been eating farts all night. Weekend afternoon sex is not likely with the sounds of Yo Gabba Gabba as your soundtrack. Nighttime sex loses its appeal when your partner is already sleeping and you don't want so seem pervy. So the question is, how can you still get laid and make it as fun as it used to be?

But Guys -- here's the deal. The responsibility is on you. Why? Because the mother of your child did a lot more work to create that being than what you do every day in the shower. Women want to be romanced -- and don't you want to be the person to do that for her, even if you aren't a vampire from Twilight or only have 49 shades of grey?

If so, here are a few helpful tips, so you both can get your groove on more often.

1. A child has been pawing at your woman all day, and maybe she does not want a man pawing at her all night. Nights you want some action, make sure you give the kids a bath and put them to bed -- so her body can become her own again and she has time to transition from mother to woman.

2. Unload dishwasher. Help with laundry. Cook dinner half the time. My god that is sexy.

3. Ever so often, check to see if her needs are being met. Listen intently, or at least make a concerned "I understand you face." Chicks like to feel heard.

4. Make sure she has time to be with friends, have a phone call where someone isn't interjecting every seven seconds, do yoga, eat a meal that no one takes a bite of or just stare the ceiling in silence.

5. Your woman is never alone in the bathroom. She consistently has an audience to her every defecation process. Give her half an hour to be in there uninterrupted, and you will for sure get some oral sex out of that one.