THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Tony Hendra Headshot

A Thanksgiving Prayer for Dick Cheney's Heart -- and a Few Other Favorite Things

Posted: Updated:

I give thanks O Lord for Dick Cheney's Heart, that brave organ which has done its darn-tootin' best on four separate occasions to do what we can only dream about.

O Lord, give Dick Cheney's Heart, Our Sacred Secret Weapon, the strength to try one more time! For greater love hath no heart than that it lay down its life to rid the planet of its Number One Human Tumor.

I give thanks O Lord that we're getting to kick The Lame Duck when he's down. Thank you too Lord for making impeachment unfeasible so's we get to kick him and kick him and kick him, have him to kick around for two more long years, kick him so bad his stupid quacking beak comes out his own greasy-feathered DA.

I give thanks O Lord that because of the sanity, decency and plain commonsense of the American voter, the whole world has finally had this self-evident truth confirmed: George Bush is what the whole world knew him to be the second it laid eyes on him: a talent-free, petulant, pea-brained bully.

Allow me to enlarge somewhat O Lord upon this particular thanks. Despite six years of suppurating drivel from his catamites about leadership and inner strength and Christian fortitude and courage under fire: George W Bush is, was and always will be that sneering, leering little creep who came to school in a chauffeur-driven car, yelled racist epithets at the scholarship kids, tripped up the guy on crutches, stuck his paw up the dress of any girl he pleased, had his toadies beat up anyone smart or weak or different, insulted teachers to their faces - and got away with it all, because his Dad had just endowed the new sports stadium.

And while we're on the subject of his Dad Lord, I give thanks for the delicious sight of that craven, racist, traitorous, class-ridden old fool having to hoik his withered Yankee hams out of the comfy billion-dollar no-show job the Carlyle Group found for him, in a desperate attempt to save a dynasty built on graft, treason,war crimes and good old-fashioned brown-nosing.

I give thanks to thee Lord for the hilarious notion that 41 is in any way superior in skill-sets, smarts or statesmanship to 43! O Lord thou dost indeed make it a cake-walk these days, for the clowns and jokesters! Thy comedic munificence is boundless Lord!

And before I leave this rich vein O Lord I give Thee thanks for the possibility - at long last - that this axis of incompetent evil is OVER. That a crime family who gave us two disastrous Presidencies in the space of a decade might finally be bound for the oblivion it so richly deserves. For Thou knowest Lord in Thy infinite wisdom that with truly evil stupid people - the Nazis spring to mind - it always takes TWO defeats to finally bring them to their knees. So let it be with Bushdom. (And perhaps one of these fine days the neo-Confederates).

But to return O Lord to that for which I give Thee the most thanks: that dinged and dented old jalopy, democracy. Countless millions of miles on the clock but still getting us to our destination safe and sound. Above all O Lord I gave Thee thanks for that which keeps the old jalopy running, the aforementioned ordinary American voter. Maligned, demeaned, taken for granted, treated like a sheep or bug or robot, her intelligence insulted by mail-order demagogues, his actions blithely predicted by arrogant non-entities, as if he had no more free will or character than a chip in a calculator.

But in the final analysis proving once again, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the ruled are always smarter than the rulers.

I give thee thanks O Lord that Thy glorious sun is finally breaking through the viscous, vomit-colored cloud-cover of Republican bigotry, repression, fear-mongering, greed and graft. A blighted carapace of despair and depression that has blotted out the clear blue sky from horizon to horizon for six long years, O Lord, like a billion pairs of enormous morbidly obese buttocks sitting on our heads.

I give Thee thanks O Lord for those same sagacious voters of all persuasions, creeds and ethnic origins, who saw the carnage in Iraq for what it is. I pray Lord that those who voted to launch the carnage might be inspired by your Holy Congressional Spirit to take a long hard look at their guilt in the murder of 200,000 entirely innocent people who never lifted a finger against the United States. Most especially those Democrats who, to curry crass political favor, voted for war in the teeth of their own lifelong principles.

Touching which, O Lord, when the white dove of Thy peace descends upon Washington to hover over the new Congress, may it take a long, wet crap on Hillary's hundred-dollar hairdo.

OK - LET'S EAT!!

Ruba-dub-dub! Thanks for the grub! Yay God!