The following is the actual transcript of President's Bush's address this morning to the United Nations (as opposed to the official one):
Good morning, fellow Earthlings.
I want to talk to you today about the Mid-East. The Mid-East is in Africa, sort of, up in the top part. The Mid-East is big. There are many states in the Mid-East.
It's not that different from the Mid-West with which I am more familiar. The Mid-West has many states also. The difference is that I have many friends and supporters in the Mid-West, whereas I have none in the Mid-East.
We're going to change that. We're going to change the Mid-East so that it looks a lot more like the Mid-West. How? With good old American democracy.
As you know American democracy has been an awesome success in Iraq. In 2005 Iraqians flocked to the polls and now enjoy Freedom American style. Freedom represented by those two great American principles: the First and Second Amendments. Since the democratic elections, Iraqians are free to express themselves any way they want: through speech or through firearms. Just like the Mid-West.
Why has democracy worked in Iraq? Because we Republicans are GOOD at democracy. We've had a lot of practice. We know how democracy works and we make sure it works.
In our country, though not so much in the mid-West, we have people called Democrats. Democrats claim to know about democracy. They don't. We Republicans know that government by the people and for the people can only be achieved if you elect our people, that is, the right people. These liars who try to hoodwink good people by calling themselves Democrats believe in the government by OTHER people. The wrong people. That's not democracy.
There are many ways to ensure that democracy elects the right people: For instance you can prevent the wrong people from voting by losing their addresses. Then you can't tell them when the election is! Or where! Cool, huh? Or you can make them into criminals. Can criminals vote? Of course not! Who could be more wrong than criminals? Another way is: you can stop the wrong people getting elected by fixing a couple of things on their planes.
Best of all you can help people vote the right way with voting machines. Voting machines are infallible: they only allow the right people to vote and only vote the right way. This worked wonderfully for me in 2004 in a state called Ohio, which is part of the Mid-West.
It's that Ohio kind of democracy I want to see in the Mid-East.
Where people in the Mid-East always go wrong, is when they lose sight of what I want. When that happens we got problems. Take the Palestinians. The Palestinians had elections which you UN people said were fair and open. But they weren't. Why? Because they elected the wrong people. There are even some people here in this chamber, misguided and evil people I might add, who say the Palestinians are free to elect whoever they want to represent them and if they pick Hamas, that choice should be respected. Wrong. No-one needs to respect their choice if they elect the wrong people. That's not democracy.
The same goes for the Lebanese. Here's the Lebanese, in their first free and open elections in 20-odd years, going and electing Hezbollah to their so-called Parliament! THEN they make two of them Cabinet ministers? Hel-lo? You think I'm going to stand for that? No way Jose! That's the end of democracy as we know it!
So. I propose new elections in Lebanon, and whatever that hell-hole is the Palestinians call home, with the right people voting and the wrong people removed from running. And I mean REMOVED. I'm also pleased to announce that our friends at Diebold have offered to supply voting machines for all future elections throughout the region. Yet another way the Mid-East will soon be just like the Mid-West!
Make no mistake. Whether it's in Lebanon or that Palestinian hell-hole or Iran or any other state where we want true democracy to bloom, the United States will defend freedom. The freedom of people to vote and keep voting - until they get it right!
Thank you and enjoy your stay.