Bush Vows To Take Out Iran's Non-Existent Nukes

(37 minutes ago)
Speaking at an emergency press-conference in the White House, President Bush has just announced that air, sea and land elements of a massive US invasion force are being assembled in the Persian Gulf and on Iran's Western borders.

Citing Monday's NIE which established "beyond the shadow of a doubt" that since 2003 Iran has developed a massive arsenal of non-existent nuclear weapons, Bush said he had no option but declare an immediate pre-emptive asault on the obstinate regime in Tehran.

"The complete absence of evidence that Iran has hostile intentions towards the West is the most conclusive evidence we have yet seen that Iran has hostile intentions towards the West," said the President, adding that the NIE's lack of any indication that Iranians are working on long-range delivery systems for their non-existent nukes can only mean that they are. He warned that all fifty states of the homeland are in dire peril, including the state of Israel. "We Americans are not a war-like people" he went on somberly. "We are patient. We are slow to anger. But once our righteous wrath is roused, we will kick the crap out of your sorry brown ass."

Israel itself has between 200 and 400 nuclear weapons which don't exist. Questioned about the difference between weapons which don't exist and non-existent nuclear weapons, Bush said non-existent nuclear weapons are far more dangerous because they're so hard to locate. He added that while Israel's weapons now non-exist in a legal limbo, they would become legal under the new Non-existent Nuclear Proliferation Treaty, which he is proposing to introduce in the UN Security Council. It would also authorize Israel to add as many weapons which don't exist to its arsenal as it deemed necessary to keep Arab nations in their place. The President stressed that the new treaty should not be confused with the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, which applies only to nations whose populations are 10% or less of Euro-American origin. The new Non-existent Nuclear Proliferation Treaty would only apply to nations whose populations are 80%-plus of Euro-American origin, a category which includes Israel.

In the follow-up question period Bush spokesperson Dana Perino reacted negatively to a reporter who asked whether under the Cold War principle of MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction) Iran did not have the right to develop non-existent nuclear weapons to deter the use of Israel's nuclear weapons which don't exist. Ms Perino characterized the question as 'treasonous' (The reporter in question is en route to Khorogos in eastern Kazakhstan for questioning about his questioning). Ms Perino also revealed that in cooperation with Webster's Dictionary and Microsoft's SpelChek Inc., the White House proposed to change the official English-language spelling of "nuclear' to "nukuler"

This piece first appeared on 12.6.07 in GuardianAmerica

Comments

[Dap]

Dear Tony,

Great to see ya posting again. Excellent post, thanks. Agape.

[lgillooly]

He just might do it just because he can. No one in the Democratic Party will stand up to these war criminals.....

[sparkandy]

To me the very most important thing in this whole piece is the changeing of "nuclear" to "nukuler", however, I do have one little quibble. Should the spelling be "nucular"? I don't know why, but this spelling seems more in line with the actual pronounciation of the word. I am always very concerned with the proper useage and speling of the english language this issue canot get enough atention!

[ljsfolly]

With all the holiday cheer that bush and cheney are bringing out in all of us it seems like the year we forgot to have christmas. The ideas that we can somehow decide to listen to bush when he lies like the dog he brought to town with him. It shouldn't alarm us to think we might die because of Iran any more than Iraq who has more reason to bomb us or at least the white house. If someone were to write an article or book with the same things happening to the US as we have done to Iraq there might be a lightbulb on the top on peoples heads and reason might rule the day. But there are those in congress that will fight to the death (Ha) over bushes rights to have the power of king and take all of the freedoms away from themselves at the same time. Perfect idiots they are to blindly let bush take away not from just the little guy but them too all he can before bush cheney leave town. I suspect the congress has had wiretaps all along as they might try to overthrow the chimp and his master. Funny how the republicans are participating in their own demise.

[outnow]

Senator McCain was seen singing "Bomb, bomb, Iran," so this must be true. The shrub was saying, "Where the the WMD, over here? Heh, heh, heh, over there, no, Heh, heh, heh!"

Who said that these guys aren't sick? The authoritarian personality rears it's ugly head!

[chappelforpres]

Boy, your thoughtful analysis has surely removed any skepticism I might have harbored about Bush's ability to govern. The man stand head and shoulders among the best & the brightest. How could I ever have doubted....

[THORGODOFTHUNDER]

You had me going for a second there.

:-D

[Lt]

this is a good one

and I bet it makes perfect sense to bush/cheney