Resolved, by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, two-thirds of THE SENATE AND AND WELL OVER HALF THE House concurring, that the following articles proposed by ME THE PRESIDENT OF the United States; all of which articles, when ratified by the said Legislatures I SHALL BE FREE TO DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO ANY TERRORIST SCUM. THESE ARTICLES to be valid to all intents and purposes as part of the said Constitution.
Amendment I
Congress shall HAVE no respect FOR any religion WHICH INVOLVES KNEELING ON A RUG AND WEARING A DISHCLOTH ON YOUR STUPID HEAD AND CAN prohibit the exercise thereof or HAVE YOU WATERBOARDED OR MADE TO HANG BY YOUR THUMBS FROM A CHIN-UP BAR AND DO CHIN-UPS OR BURY YOU ALIVE FOR A WHILE IN A SHALLOW GRAVE. THIS IS THE KIND OF freedom WE'RE FIGHTING FOR WHICH I MENTIONED IN MY speech TO the press. OK?
Amendment II
A well regulated MILITARY INTERROGATOR being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of CERTAIN people to HAVE POWER TOOLS DRILL HOLES IN THEIR BARE arms, shall not be infringed.
Amendment III
No FOREIGN soldier shall be HUNG DRAWN AND quartered without the consent of THE PRESIDENT - THAT'S ME!! - in time of war, AND IT SHALL BE in a manner to be prescribed by law - WITHOUT AN ANESTHETIC. YEAH!
Amendment IV
FORGET the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects. THAT IS SOOO OVER! Unreasonable searches and seizures shall be ENCOURAGED, ESPECIALLY IF PRIVATE PARTS ARE TO BE violated. And no warrants shall issue BECAUSE WHO NEEDS 'EM?
Amendment V
No US MILITARY PERSONNEL shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime AGAINST ANY FOREIGNER, ESPECIALLY in cases arising in the ARMED forces, wheTHER in actual service in time of war OR NOT; nor shall any MILITARY PERSONNEL be put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall HE (OR SHE I GUESS) be TRIED in any criminal case NO MATTER HOW MANY witnessES THERE ARE against him (OR HER I GUESS), nor be deprived of life AND liberty, BUT SHALL RECEIVE A SIZEABLE REWARD EITHER IN THE FORM OF private property OR just compensation.
Amendment VI
In all TERRORIST prosecutions, the accused shall HAVE NO right to a trial, NOR to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; NOR to be confronted with the witnesses against him; NOR to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, NOR to have the assistance of counsel for his defense, BECAUSE THE BASTARD IS GUILTY AS SIN GOING IN! OK?
Amendment VII
NO suits WORN BY common CRIMINALS IN CASES INVOLVING NATIONAL SECURITY shall exceed THE VALUE OF twenty dollars, AND SHALL BE BRIGHT ORANGE IN COLOR. The right of trial by FIRE shall be preserved, and no factS NEED TO BE tried OUT OR otherwise examined in any court. WHY? BECAUSE I SAY SO!
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall be required, excessive fines imposed, and cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, LIKE TWISTING TERRORISTS' NIPPLES WITH PLIERS OR SHOVING PINEAPPLES UP THEIR REAR-ENDS OR TIEING OFF THEIR PENISES AND MAKING THEM DRINK FIVE GALLONS OF WATER OR...WELL, JUST HAVE FUN, GUYS AND DON'T LEAVE ANY BRUISES OK?
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall be construed to deny ALL others retained by CERTAIN people. OK?
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the PRESIDENT or to MY people. OK? OK.