Don't Demonize my Parents Because They Allowed us to Drink at Home

The Washington Post Magazine's July 30 cover story, "Are You a Toxic Parent?" presented an attitude about parents who take a reality-based approach with their teens concerning alcohol. These parents, rarely discussed rationally, are demonized by those who do not understand their attempts to keep their teenagers safe by allowing alcohol consumption at home as a strategy for preventing drunk driving. This view--also the official one--is encapsulated in the piece's accusatory title.

I found the Washington Post's presentation of these loving and concerned parents who live in the real world and know their teens are going to drink unfair. They know thousands of teenagers die every year from alcohol poisoning or alcohol-related accidents, sometimes just weeks after leaving home for college. These parents are making tough decisions and have found that trust and open communication is a more effective strategy than one-dimensional "Just say No" speeches.

During my high school years, my home was a place where my friends and I could drink beer with my parents standing by just a few feet away.

Here is how it worked.

On Friday night, my friends and I--ages 15 to 17--gathered in my backyard with a case of beer and some wine coolers. We assembled in a shed in my backyard, sat on couches and listened to Bob Marley music. After some time, without warning, the light in the room flicks on and off. All of the laughing stops and there is silence. I tell everyone to chill and walk outside of the shed, across my backyard, up to my parents' bedroom window.

My dad opens the window to his room and tells me, "Keep it down out there."

"Okay daddy, we will," I assure him.

I return to the shed, smile at my friends and say, "turn the music down." Most of my friends have been here before and know the routine. One of the girls at the shed for the first time can't believe my parents are just a few feet away in the house.

My parents did know that we were drinking in the shed. They understood that my friends and I, along with half of my high school classmates, had consumed alcohol and tried marijuana. Although they would have preferred that we didn't drink alcohol or smoke marijuana they decided it was better to have us close by, safe in the backyard where they could keep track of us instead of having us drinking in public and could make sure that we were not drinking and driving.

During my teenage years in Santa Cruz, California, I always appreciated my parents for allowing my friends and me to hang out in the shed in the backyard. Neighborhood kids spent thousands of hours in that shed. We would meet there after surfing. We would meet there before going out on the weekend.

It is only now, 15 years later, that I understand and respect how brave and protective my parents' actions were. I say "brave" because my parents were breaking the law and could have been arrested and prosecuted for allowing us to drink at their house. I say "protective" because they knew that having us in the backyard kept us safe, away from the much more risky activity of drinking and driving around town like so many other teens.

While most parents hope that their teenagers will not drink alcohol or smoke marijuana, the reality is that 75 percent of high-school seniors will have tried alcohol by the time they graduate, and 50 percent will have tried marijuana. In addition to allowing us to drink beer in the backyard, my parents made it clear that my friends and I could always call them for a ride home from a party. I understood clearly that they much preferred a call from an intoxicated teenager asking for a ride home than a drunk teenager driving his drunk friends home.

"Just Say No" is a nice slogan, but hardly a sufficient strategy for protecting our young people. Despite millions of dollars worth of scare tactic ads telling kids that smoking pot will fry their brains like an egg, half of all 18-year-olds will end up "Just Saying Sometimes" or "Just Saying Yes."

My parents' goal for their two kids was not to practice the unrealistic mission of abstinence, but to keep us safe by engendering responsibility. In this regard, they were incredibly successful. Their two kids never got into trouble with the law and never got into an accident or a fight that involved alcohol. We learned how to drink in a way that didn't lead to injury to others or ourselves.

Now as I start my own family, I am thankful for the example set by my parents and their wisdom. I look forward to talking honestly and openly with my children about alcohol and drugs in a way that, above all, will keep them as safe as possible.

Tony Newman is communications director for the Drug Policy Alliance. For more information on how to keep teens safe,visit www.safety1st.org