(Special thanks to my friend D-Train, who served as my media pundit foil for the post-debate spin.)
Media Pundit: Now, from the Upper West Side of Manhattan we have noted political analyst Tony Sachs. Mr. Sachs, what did you think of the debate last night?
Tony Sachs: I think the clear winner, certainly in the expectations game, was my cat, Oliver. People had a lot of questions about him going into the debate. He's not human. He can't speak English. Can he identify with what the American people are going through? And i think he put all those questions to rest. Tonight he showed that what he is, is a maverick. When he started grooming himself during the question about alternative energy, he showed very clearly that he supports clean coal technology.
Media Pundit: But do you think that will that play with the swing voters?
Tony Sachs: I really do think so. And when he tried to bite me for no reason, it showed that Oliver supports a strong defense and rogue nations like Iran can't mess around with us.
Media Pundit: People are saying they want change. They want less greed and corruption. Did Oliver tell how he can deliver that?
Tony Sachs: I think he was poised, charming, and when he rolled over and showed the American people his belly, it's obvious that he's cuter than either Senator Biden or Governor Palin. I've gotta tell you, I think it really resonated with voters when he decided to take a little nap about halfway through the debate. The American people are tired of talk. They want action. And Oliver showed he will be well rested and ready to turn this country around on January 20.
Media Pundit: But a lot of people are saying that's the problem with the Oliver Sachs campaign. They have no issues. They take no stands. No principles of any kind. And when the chips are down, how does Oliver respond? He looks cute. Do you think that advances the dialogue?
Tony Sachs: Look, Oliver has had over seven years experience running the Sachs household. That's more executive experience than Obama and McCain combined. But at the same time, he's not a Washington insider. In fact, since 2001 the farthest he's traveled is to the vet's office, which is less than a mile from his home. He hasn't been tainted by the corruption and incompetence of Washington, and frankly, I think he'll bring a new kind of vision to our nation's capital. Cats can see in the dark, you know.
Media Pundit: A lot of voters are out there saying, what's Oliver going to do for the middle class? And a big fear is that he's going to claw them. Do you think he answered that question?
Tony Sachs: See, that's another rumor spread by the media which, frankly, astounds me. True, Oliver has back claws. But he has BEEN DECLAWED in his front paws. Now, he may playfully slap voters every now and then. He may still act like he's using his scratching post once in a while. But will he claw your arm? NO. Will he scratch up the furniture? NO. This is such a non-issue, and I'm surprised you guys keep bringing it up.
Media Pundit: The big question that still remains with a lot of swing voters is, who is Oliver Sachs? Why won't he meet with the press? What is he afraid of? How do you think he did addressing those questions?
Tony Sachs Look, I know Oliver Sachs. Oliver is a dear friend of mine. and I think he showed the American people that he is trustworthy, he's earned their confidence, and he's an adorable little snugglebunny as well. And I think voters on Main Street can identify with that. Sure, if you mess with him, he might bite you. But don't we want a strong national defense?
Media Pundit: That doesn't answer the question. I don't hear a plan in there.
Tony Sachs: Oliver doesn't need to jump through artificial hoops set up by you folks in the media to prove he's a maverick. I think his record speaks for itself. You know, there have been times where I've forgotten to clean his litter box for four, five days. Does Oliver act out by peeing on the blanket? No. He shows the same determination and resolve that the American people have been showing in this financial crisis. He sticks to his plan, doesn't panic, keeps using that stinky litter box, and he has faith that eventually he will get new litter. He's not a flip-flopper.
Media Pundit: What do you think was Oliver's defining moment in this debate?
Tony Sachs: Frankly, I was most impressed when he walked me over to his food dish and showed me it was empty. It's like they say, you've got to show, not tell. Senator Biden and Governor Palin can talk about the problems this country is facing, but the picture of that empty food dish told the story more eloquently than either of them. And I think that come November 4th, people will remember that empty dish and vote for the only candidate who can bring about real change for the middle class and the whole country.
Media Pundit: Thank you, Tony Sachs. We'll see you again next week after the second presidential debate between Barack Obama, John McCain and your goldfish, Blinky.