I have a confession. I was once in love with a narcissist, and it was the relationship from hell! So glad I escaped that one-sided, emotionless roller coaster. I won't divulge too much about the relationship (until I write that part in my book), because he is probably somewhere reading this post thinking, "I knew she was writing about me!"
I was totally and completely lost in this man. He could do no wrong, I placed him on a pedestal. I swore he knew everything! I allowed this person to constantly criticize me, isolate me, ignore me with the silent treatment, and use me. I won't even get into the sex (rolls eyes here), It was used against me like a tool. There was no satisfaction, only when he wanted it, and even then it was if I weren't even there. I was so confused all of the time, feeling trapped, mentally exhausted, and alone. So do you know what narcissism is? I'm not only talking about the Kim and Kanye type. I'm talking about your everyday narcissist? There is a huge misconception that narcissists can't fall in love. They can love, as long as it makes them feel good and they are getting something out of it. Which brings me back to my situation. Everything was all good (not actually good but you know what I mean) until I became emotionally healthy, assertive, and mentally strong. It all went downhill when I stopped worshipping him, and started building myself up. When I realized he wasn't all that smart (especially with common sense) he really freaked out! That's because narcissist need you to worship them, and constantly feed their ego. They need you to need them. When you start to get some independence that is a threat to their safety. He declared that he didn't care about anything, I mean nothing! It scared me because I did care about things, and especially people.
Narcissist have an incessant hole that needs filling at all times, which is called the narcissistic supply. The relationship they are in has to make them feel good on a constant basis, or they have to get something in return at all times. The narcissist has suffered abuse and trauma as a child, which makes this black hole impossible to fill.
According to R. Rosenburg, they desperately and perpetually seek love, appreciation and affirmation from others, they will consciously and unconsciously (Human Magnet Syndrome) gravitate toward others that can meet this impossible need. Sadly, however, the people who are going to fall in love with them and, consequently, try to take their problems and pain away are deprived of the very same love, respect and care that the narcissists fight so hard to obtain. These unfortunate people are almost always going to be codependents.
I remember during the relationship where he would ridicule me for "needing people," he even got his mother in on the ridiculing bandwagon (don't even get me started on the in-law subject). But the truth of the matter is, narcissists need people! Underneath all of his, I don't need anybody, he really did. It was sad to watch actually. I felt so sorry for him, which is why I can't hate him today. To have to hate someone in order to walk away from the relationship is a sad thing. To have to act as if that part of your life never existed in an effort to not feel anything is also quite distressing. When you are preparing to leave a narcissist you have to do so as if you are preparing to leave an abusive spouse. You have to remember, they can be incredibly cruel. You are their drug, and if you are trying to leave them prepare to deal with some consequences. When I finally left my narcissistic ass relationship I felt like I'd been in a war. Chile, I was somewhere waving a white flag, dousing a glass of red wine, nursing my mental wounds. It took some time to emotionally heal and an even longer time to tear the wall down to allow others in, to love again. While my narcissistic ex stayed true to his diagnosis, he firmly states he hasn't done anything wrong and refuses to communicate on any level. Narcissists pull disappearing acts to mentally punish you, the children, and anyone associated with the person they are trying to mentally murder!
Oh well it's fine with me because I am as laughing as loud as I can. My children and I dance in the middle of the floor without walking on egg shells, and there is so much love an affection in my home its disgusting. I admit that I suffered from narcissistic abuse, that left me empty, alone, and depressed. However, this is no longer the case and I am totally free and disgustingly happy! Seriously, If you find any similarities in this story I suggest you read the signs that you suffer from narcissism abuse here.
Trust me there is light at the end of the dark tunnel after narcissistic abuse. You have to first love yourself, practice forgiveness, and get emotionally healed. Then you will attract the kind of love you deserve one that is loving, supportive, and patient.
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If you would like to get tips on how to emotionally heal from narcissism abuse contact me via my website toshiashaw.com. I'd love to help you break those chains and get free!