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LEAKED: Changes to This Year's Oscars

Posted: Updated:

TO: 81st Academy Award® Presenters
FROM: The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
RE: Significant Changes

I'm sure you are all just as thrilled as we are as we prepare to trundle out old Oscar® and friends for another unforgettable evening of movie magic. While the theme of last year's Oscars was, "Go Green," from the 100% biodegradable/compostable serviceware, to the biodiesel generators, to the environmentally-themed gift bags (including $35,000 worth of carbon offsets, a coupon for wind-generated laser eye surgery and an Oscar®-colored Prius), this year we've decided on a somewhat different direction.

We are tremendously excited to announce that the theme for the 81st Academy Awards® is "Less Is More." In keeping with this so topical theme we will institute the following changes:
Refreshments

Although the lobby bars will still be "open," there will now be a charge of $5 for soft drinks and $10 for alcoholic beverages.

Production

We are very excited about the "cutting edge," "indie" feel of this year's broadcast. Instead of the same old (and ridiculously expensive) broadcast quality HD cameras handheld and remotely operated by veteran I.A.T.S.E. cameramen all earning overtime, this year the duo of presenters will take turns filming each other with a very graciously donated Flip camcorder.

Attire

As always, the most sought-after international couturiers will be lobbying to provide you with formal wear for the evening. This year, we will ask you to announce not only the nominees of your chosen category but also the name of the gracious designer and the promotional partner we have paired with them (e.g., "Before I announce the nominees for 'Best Live Action Short Film' I would like to thank Karl Lagerfeld and Febreze.")

Host

This year's host will be an Australian named Hugh Jackman.

Gift Bags

We hope you are as excited as we are about the what we think is a very thoughtful assortment of this year's goodies:

A $100 gift certificate to Trader Joe's (driving directions included)

Ten large pizzas and 500 tokens for your child's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese (you could explain, for example, that you'd really wanted to rent out the entire Santa Monica Pier and fly in Cirque du Soleil but they were already booked)

Lupe Ontiveros, who played the domestic in As Good as it Gets and at least150 other times in her twenty-five years as a SAG member, will tour one of your remaining homes and tutor you in the correct usage of your own major and minor appliances.

Cruelty-free, vegan handbags by Chanal, Guccci and Louise Vuitton.

Having cut back on your bi-weekly massages we think you'll really appreciate this Conair, Body-Flex personal massaging wand (120v only. Sorry Kate, Cate, Daniel Day, Emma, etc.) .
No more personal trainer? No worries! We're including a "Body By Jake" exercise DVD and a very large rubber band.

A blanket

A $90 gift certificate to the Department of Water and Power

Health Insurance