Sometimes, I Wish I Were Gay

Look, I feel sorry for Senator Craig and the millions of other gay men of his generation on the down low, torturing themselves for decades by pretending to be what they are not. I feel sorry for anyone so drowning in guilt, shame and loneliness that they compulsively seek out intimate contact with strangers among the stench of piss and shit.

And yet...how awesome it would be if straight guys could just sidle up to a woman, tap our foot and have sex with them. According to Craig's police report that's all you have to do. I'm newly single again and truly suck at meeting women at bars. I don't like to get drunk and think it's unsportsmanlike to take a woman to bed if she's blotto.

This whole tapping the foot thing could be the answer to my prayers. After yoga, instead of feverishly racking my brain for some non-lame ice breaker I'd just -- tap, tap, tap -- and they'd jerk me in to the locker room. The next time I fall in love at Starbucks, instead of pretending to the woman in front of me that I'm confused about the distinction between a grande and a venti I'd tap, tap, tap and we'd rush off to the nearest hotel.

It is a uniquely male solution. Women, in general, seem to like things more nuanced and Byzantine.

Leave it to a bunch of guys to figure out a way to circumvent thousands of years and the endless intricacies and uncertainties of courtship with a simple tap of the toes.

Comments

[weddedgay]

Wishing won't make you gay. Saying you are not will not make you "not gay' either (sorry for the syntax). You are or you are not. I am and I am proud to say so. And I have never solicited sex in a public bathroom!

[jhb90277]

I am a straight, married mother of two. If I send my son into the restroom, I don't want him to come back and tell me that he saw a guy s**king off another guy in the restroom. I don't want him seeing a straight couple having sex in the restroom.

I'm no prude, but there is a time and place for things like that. Met a partner in the bathroom and can't wait for a room? Have sex the old-fashioned way...in the back seat of a car (or the front seat if you are really flexible). I'm mostly serious about that.

Kids just don't need to see people having sex when they enter a restroom to whiz. I don't care if those folks are gay or straight. Find a car or a broom closet or someplace reasonably secure to get your yayas off.

[BobinLA]

The most rigorous study to date on the percentage of gay men/women was done last year in the UK. The study estimated that 6% of the population was exclusively gay. However, a lot depends on how you define and measure homosexuality. Definitions that are based on behavior or homosexual acts yield rather different numbers than those based on self identification as LGBT.

[Qbear]

Sometimes I wish half the Straight people were gay too. Maybe thirty years ago we'd have gotten EQUAL RIGHTS too.

[JoshuasGrandma]

Now we know why James Dobson and Michael Medved thought that the movie, Happy Feet' had gay undertones and protested it's G rating!

[Charles Rey]

Dude,
You are crazy!

Hang in there brother; the right lady is waiting for you. Just be ready.

[TimtheDemocrat]

Please try being gay, you dreamboat...

[Tobias F.]

Interesting that you should use Starbucks as an example...I worked there for four years, and I can tell you, there are A LOT of straight "couples"--i.e. men and women who meet in line--hooking up and having sex in Starbucks bathrooms. On many occassions, I had to don gloves and special disinfectant sprays to remove the evidence of said liason.

Perhaps you're not haging out in the right Starbucks?

[barrycourage]

Sounds like tap dancing is about to become a hot trend in the bar scene--both straight and gay.

[squareyellowpaper]

To the women:

You will never meet a young, cute, doctor in a bar in the evening. They are all to busy working the emergency rooms.

So, if you want to find a good man, break your leg.

On the other hand, if you are in need of male "companionship" for a few hours, and you can endure attempting to look interested and blown away at everything he says, a horny male will sweat all over you, never be considerate of your needs, and he will slip his clothes out as soon as the deed is done unless you have food prepared beforehand. Oh! And don't forget that YOU are expected to supply the condum!

[demigod]

Emulation of the heterosexual marriage may work for some gay people, but it doesn't for others. All this talk about intimacy - maybe you need it, maybe you don't. Heck the divorce rate among straights is 50%, and that's with intimacy, the church, kids, evolution and all of society on your side. So what does that tell you ? People know they're going to die, and they want to sample the goods before they do. Can YOU fulfill another person's every need for a lifetime ? HAHAHAHA sure keep telling yourself that.

[SILVANUS]

--Oh uh I wuz drunk last night, BillyBob. I..I dont' remember a thing, darnnit... do you?

--Am, hell naw, man. Nuthin'.

We're all onto the scam, boys. I don't care if you look like Mitt and have 50 kids, if you blow your buddy when you're drunk,or sneak around bathrooms like some lowlife Republican, you're queer. Own up to it: BE A MAN. Not a lying coward.

[tablogloid]

I find it amazing that American tax dollars are spent to entrap..."anyone so drowning in guilt, shame and loneliness that they compulsively seek out intimate contact with strangers...". Trapping easy targets like these men has no upside to it at all. The more oppressed a behaviour becomes, the more clandestine its evolvement.

[Shane]

THERE IS NO
"And yet... how awesome it would be -

I am a gay man -
There is no way in hell I'm going to have sex with some stranger in a public bathroom - To me
the whole thing is pitiful and sad - I think the majority of gay men would agree with me -

Senator Craig = Self-hatred
I feel sorry for him -
But I really feel sorry for his wife and kids -

Some random thoughts on this -
1) Deep in his sub-concious mind did he want
to get caught?
2) Is his hatred or fear of this part of his sexuality make him feel that the only place
to have sex with a man is in a sleazy bathroom -
3) If he hates the part of himself that is
attracted towards men then naturally he would oppose gay marriage,etc.
4) Gay people are a fact - we exist - we are a very small minority of the population but we
absorb a lot of generalized hatred that is directed towards us -
5) Gay people are born gay - it's not a choice -
a)Every disgusting or stupid behavior that is done by a gay person is projected onto the
entire gay community - The dreaded "Gay Life
Style!"
b) Let's project every stupid or disgusting thing that individual men do onto the entire straight male community - The dreaded "Straight Life Style!"
1) Rape of women is rampant in the
"Straight Life Style!"
2) The beating and physical abuse
is very common within the
"Straight Life Style!"
3) It is very likely that they will
cheat on their girlfriends or
wives within the twisted
culture of the
"Staight Life Style!"
6) Hopefully more and more States will recognize the sanctity of gay relationships -

[JimHinCO]

If your only requirement for sex is a foot tapping, not looks, disease-free, intelligence, humor, etc., there is no shortage of sex, regardless of straight or gay.

The amount of married bisexual or gay men on gay dating sites or other sites (craigslist) is astounding.

Sure, 1 in 30 might be gay...but it seems like 7 in 10 are at least open to the idea of intense, passionate sex regardless of gender.