Sometimes, I Wish I Were Gay

Look, I feel sorry for Senator Craig and the millions of other gay men of his generation on the down low, torturing themselves for decades by pretending to be what they are not. I feel sorry for anyone so drowning in guilt, shame and loneliness that they compulsively seek out intimate contact with strangers among the stench of piss and shit.

And yet...how awesome it would be if straight guys could just sidle up to a woman, tap our foot and have sex with them. According to Craig's police report that's all you have to do. I'm newly single again and truly suck at meeting women at bars. I don't like to get drunk and think it's unsportsmanlike to take a woman to bed if she's blotto.

This whole tapping the foot thing could be the answer to my prayers. After yoga, instead of feverishly racking my brain for some non-lame ice breaker I'd just -- tap, tap, tap -- and they'd jerk me in to the locker room. The next time I fall in love at Starbucks, instead of pretending to the woman in front of me that I'm confused about the distinction between a grande and a venti I'd tap, tap, tap and we'd rush off to the nearest hotel.

It is a uniquely male solution. Women, in general, seem to like things more nuanced and Byzantine.

Leave it to a bunch of guys to figure out a way to circumvent thousands of years and the endless intricacies and uncertainties of courtship with a simple tap of the toes.