G.O.P. Ideological Purity Test

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

You must adhere to at least NINE of these truths.
Less than NINE: We give you the rack.*
Less than SEVEN: We kill your family. **
Less than FIVE: We cut off your funding.

1. The earth is flat.
2. Small government, unless we're in charge.
3. Pro-life...till it's born.
4. Foreign policy: The Crusades.
5. Healthcare plan? Emergency rooms!
6. Respect your constituents: Big donors.
7. Internment camps - better than the fence.
8. Welfare is for the rich.
9. Melting icebergs means more water.
10. Closets are for brooms and gays.

*You think we're kidding? Charlie Crist used to be five-foot-two.

**Even if they're beards.