As a marriage coach one of the most misunderstood topics I encounter is the difference between love and attraction. Most couples come together and marry in the heat of infatuation. The chemistry is undeniable (to them) and attraction is off the charts!
You're Not Really in Love
This isn't love, no matter what the storybooks say. This is limerence. Limerence was coined as a psychological term by Dr. Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. In short, limerence is a period of time, typically up to 24 months, in which one or more people are ridiculously, madly infatuated. Logic leaves and the other person can do no wrong.
Interestingly many couples marry while in this state.
It's commonly called "falling in love". Hollywood celebrates it in every romantic comedy. But it's not love. People eventually move out of this stage and wonder why the love has left their marriage.
True love is when you take conscious and repeated action to serve and commit to another person. This leads me to a pair of questions recently sent in by a reader.
1. What do you do when you want to be with someone but you're not attracted to them?
2. How do you develop that chemistry and attraction?
The Situation
In some cases you may meet a person and begin a relationship. You share common interests. Discussions over time reveal to that you agree on many topics such as child rearing, handling finances, religion, politics and other areas that often trip up a marriage. You seem like the perfect couple. But there's one catch.
You're not attracted to each other.
He's the ideal man, perfectly complimentary to you but there's no chemistry. She's an incredible woman and any man would be lucky to be with her, but there's just no desire. In your mind (and often to your friends) you should be together. However neither of you is feeling it.
The Misunderstanding
Here we have a situation that is the complete opposite of many marriages. These people were never blinded by limerence, there was no wild infatuation and eventual drop in feelings of romance. No, this is a couple who by all reasonable logic should be together, but lack any emotional connection.
Hence the question "How do you develop chemistry and attraction?"
This is a question that I know many people want answered. Usually not people like those we are considering, but more often married couples who have come out of limerence to the terrible blandness of reality. Along with this is the realization that they've made a lifelong commitment, while in a state of complete emotional stupor.
The misunderstanding is simple, believing limerence is love. The answer to the question is also simple, but many couples divorce never knowing there is an answer, or more sadly, never even asking the question. They move on to the next person, again seeking the high of the "falling in love" experience. But eventually limerence ends again and there is often a another divorce.
The Heart of Love
But there is hope! Understanding the true heart of love can answer the question of developing chemistry and attraction or regaining it after the end of limerence. The heart of love isn't found in a complete loss of reason and lack of emotional control. The heart of love is found in decisions and actions.
Love is a choice we make every day to care for the needs of another. It's a choice we make to put the priorities and cares of someone else above our own. Actions we take that may not have any tangible benefit to ourselves, but make something better in the life of our partner, these are actions of love.
Love is not a feeling or emotion. Love is what we do, say and how we act to serve someone else.
Chemistry and Attraction
Bringing it full circle then, is it possible to develop or rekindle the chemistry and attraction in a relationship? The answer is a resounding YES! There is a method for making it happen and it is hinted at in a short truth.
Emotions follow actions.
When you take actions that live in the realm of loving another person. When you serve, care for, speak lovingly to, and treat another person with kindness and gentleness a strange change begins to occur in you. Over time you find yourself feeling the emotions that are associated with the actions you are taking. There is no magic here. When you treat a person with love you eventually develop feelings of attraction. You are effectively telling your subconscious that you love this person and it will respond in kind with the chemistry you so long to enjoy.
My wife and I have been married nearly 25 years. The first couple had some significant challenges in terms of emotional instability. But once we learned to treat each other in loving ways our hearts moved together again in attraction and shared chemistry. We are happier now than ever before and it's because we show love to each other in words and actions. That's the heart of love.