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Tullian Tchividjian Headshot

One Way Love

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When I was 16, my parents kicked me out of the house. They had tried everything. Nothing worked. And it got to the point where my lifestyle had become so disruptive to the rest of the household, that they were left with no choice but to painfully say, "We love you but you can't continue to live this way and live under our roof."

There wasn't one thing in particular that snapped me out of my "wild man" phase, no big crisis or single clarifying moment that inspired me to repair the damage I had done to myself, others, and my family. As humdrum as it may sound, what led me out of that rebellious period was simply the nagging sense that there had to be more to life than what I was experiencing -- there had to be more to who I was than what this world was telling me. In fact, I can't even pinpoint the exact moment when God raised this dead rebel to life. All I know is that shortly after my 21st birthday, my culminating discontent with life made me decide to start going back to church.

Kim, who had been my girlfriend for two years at that point, had actually started going to church with my parents a few months earlier, and before I knew it, we were both going every week. My parents were understandably overjoyed. Their prodigal had finally come home. "For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found" (Luke 15:24 NIV).

About three months later, in January of 1994, Kim and I got engaged. Our new faith naturally led us to take a hard look at our relationship. God was changing us, and we knew our relationship needed to change as well. After being so out of control for so long, we knew we had to adjust the way we related to each other, and the physical realm was no exception. We were both coming out of a world where sex outside of marriage was completely the norm -- a norm that we had embraced -- and we knew the right thing to do would be to pull back until we were married. Easier said than done!

Despite our best intentions and most earnest efforts, we slipped up three or four times during our engagement. I'll never forget when Kim came over to my apartment one night after work and told me she was pregnant. I was devastated. Not just because the news was a shock or because I hadn't expected to be a parent at such a young age. I was devastated because everyone who had celebrated my return "to the fold" would think the turnaround was a false alarm. I had caused my family so much pain and heartbreak with my self-absorbed shenanigans, and they had been so relieved and excited that their reckless son had finally come back; it had been the answer to years and years of prayer. I had put my parents through more than any son ever should and had asked for their forgiveness on numerous occasions. To drop this bomb might crush them all over again, and I just couldn't bear it. I was scared, ashamed, and angry at myself for failing yet again.

Somehow we summoned the courage to go over to my mom and dad's house the next day -- Mother's Day, believe it or not. After some awkward small talk, I asked my father if we could speak to him alone. We walked out to the driveway. Dad was standing in front of me, and Kim was by my side, shoulder to shoulder. "Dad we have something to tell you." I burst into tears. "Kim's pregnant." Kim started bawling too. Next thing I knew, he was embracing both of us, me with one arm, her with the other, while we wept. He held us for ten minutes. He could see how overwhelmed we were. I can still hear his voice telling us, "It's okay. We love you. It's going to be okay. This child is going to be a blessing."

Kim and I had been so excited about getting married, and now we were going to be parents as well. In addition to the embarrassment and shame involved, we were grieving the happy expectation that we'd have a few years, just the two of us, before starting a family. We were in a state of shock. Yet my father did not condemn or lecture us, even though he had every right to do so. Instead, he comforted us. More than that, he gave us good news. He told us that while the circumstances clearly weren't ideal, this was going to turn out just fine. This baby was going to be a blessing to both of us and a gift to the whole family. Every time Kim and I look at our oldest son (now 18), we realize afresh that my dad was absolutely right that day.

The whole situation was wrapped in grace: I deserved his reproach and disapproval -- premarital sex resulting in unexpected pregnancy is no father's dream for his child -- yet his gracious response assured me that he not only wasn't crushed, his love for me was stronger than ever. When I told him (through many tears) how sorry I was for once again letting him down, he simply hushed me by hugging me tighter and saying over and over again, "It's okay. I love you. It's okay. I love you." At that moment in the driveway, when I rightly deserved my dad's disappointment, he assured me of his delight.

The love my father showed me that day is not a one-to-one approximation of God's one-way love for you and me -- nothing is! But this act of grace served as an accurate reflection of that One True Act of Grace, Jesus dying for his enemies, to which all others point. That is, he treated me in a way that was analogous to how God treats you and me. He was not God, of course, but like many fathers, he did play a similar role in my life: someone in authority who showed me love in the midst of deserved judgment. And like that One True Act of Grace, my father's forgiveness and love changed me forever.

The fact is, that love -- not law -- is the essence of any lasting transformation that takes place in human experience.