THE BLOG
11/21/2012 10:30 am ET | Updated Jan 21, 2013

Thanksgiving Travel Advisory: Conservative Parents Likely to be Insufferable After Election

Brandon Wetherbee

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
START DATE: Nov 20th, 2012
STOP DATE: Nov 25th, 2012
CONTACT: (White House Press Secretary, the White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave)

America's young people are strongly encouraged to exercise caution when returning home for the Thanksgiving holiday. It has come to our attention that, as result of the American socialist thought control machine known as the liberal media, Barack Obama has been reelected. Because young people "voted their consciences," it is suspected that parents will be taking out their anger on their children during a festival meant for love and reunion. It's a well-known fact that, in families with any degree of political disunity, Thanksgiving dinner discussions have contained countless political outbursts. We are advising the young people of America to stay in their rooms as much as possible and rant about how intolerant their parents are on the Internet.

During this time of political polarization, spittle will fly and loved ones will make it clear that they have no idea what communism is. The resurrection of what Baby Boomers have called "Stalin's Ghost" will continue to strain the bonds of affection within families. Young people are encouraged to put political differences aside and help their parents focus on their own family. Thanksgiving became an official holiday under Abraham Lincoln, to bring unity and hope during the Civil War -- a time when families fought each other on the open battlefield. In a country more divided now than at any time since the Civil War, Baby Boomers have been known to pervert this nice family dinner in attempts to destroy "traditional America." Beware of blood relatives who cling to their guns and religion, and insist that you are not old enough to understand.

Young people who overhear their parents regurgitate poorly remembered Fox News talking points or are passive-aggressively accused of helping "that one" destroy this country are advised to smile and say "I respect your opinions," then tweet about it later. This simple, non-combative technique is proven to save lives, keep you in the will, and keep your college tuition from being cut off. Remember: Boomers are getting older, and "the older white people get," according to a report by the Institute for the Study of Uninformed Opinions, "the more racist they become."

Parent expert and author Judy Blume says, "do not, under any circumstances 'rage quit' Thanksgiving dinner." Blume warns that parents will accuse their children of ruining Thanksgiving for years to come. If you can't handle your parents' intolerance for democracy, we suggest you flip the dinner table over on Black Friday -- when nobody can accuse you of ruining the long-since refrigerated and digested Thanksgiving dinner.

We are also advising young people to stay vigilant. If, on arriving home, you find your parents are researching underground shelters, storing food for "the end of America as we know it" or purchasing suspicious amounts of Twinkies, please refer them to a qualified mental health professional. If you find a stockpile of Confederate flags and automatic rifles in your garage, hand them a copy of the Constitution and a thesaurus. "Secession" is, after all, just a fancy word for "treason." And remember, just because your parents "brought you into this world," and "raised you better than this," does not mean they are foreign policy experts or economists: it means they are sore losers who are immune to logic.

For further information, call the White House,