Hey everybody, it's Oscar time! Otherwise known as the most wonderful night of the year, when even those of us who aren't foot fetishists become transfixed by something called ShoeCam, and everyone claps for a montage of dead people!
Who will be the first to face Giuliana Rancic's red carpet clavicle of destruction? Who will decide to wear unfortunately placed flower appliques? Will James Franco and Anne Hathaway -- the first non-comedians to host the show since Paul Hogan (1986, and yes, that really happened) -- bring some much-needed life back into the proceedings, or will we be forced to cut off our own arms to free ourselves from the crushing ennui? So many questions! So few original noses!
If you've never read one of my live blogs before, here's what you can expect:
- Stream-of-consciousness reactions to, judgments of, and questionable puns and/or pop culture references in relation to anything that appears onscreen, including but not limited to celebrities' clothing, hair/makeup, obscene levels of tooth-whitening and/or clavicle protrusion (see above paragraph), and general demeanor
- Completely biased opinions about certain movies and actors
- Increasingly drunken come-ons to anyone I find remotely attractive
- Basic information about who wins what, usually buried within one of the above
In other words, if you're looking for an easy-to-follow list of winners, you're going to have to wade through some Mark Ruffalo love letters, Charlie Sheen jokes (since he is currently vacationing with porn stars and getting "high on life" in between making ill-advised phone calls to live radio shows, I suspect that Mr. Sheen will not be joining us this evening, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be here in spirit), and ALL CAPS EXCLAMATIONS ABOUT HELENA BONHAM CARTER'S SHOE CHOICE to get there. I also may or may not refer to likely Best Actor victor Colin Firth as "Mr. Darcy." But I promise it'll be fun.
Before we start, you might want to refresh your memory as to the nominees... as the evening progresses, I tend to pay less attention to detail, and I don't want you to get lost.
I'll start with E!'s red carpet coverage at 6 pm EST and switch to the main show at 8:30. Fill up your wine glasses and straighten your cravats, because it's going to be a long night.
When I'm not attempting rapid-fire commentary on celebrities' outfits and Ryan Seacrest's gumline here on HuffPo, I can be found on my blog, The Sassy Curmudgeon. You can also become a fan on Facebook, if you're into that kind of thing.