Hello, I'm Una, and I am a giant TV whore. Some of you may know me from my Project Runway recaps here on HuffPo, but what you don't know is that Project Runway represents about 1/25 of the television I actually watch in a given week. I Gleek out, I Break Bad, I go to the Jersey Shore, bitch. And no only do I consume far more TV than is probably medically sound, but I watch it almost exclusively on my iPod nano, since the great tragedy of my life is that my building's cable box is defective.
Ever since I can remember, I've loved the Emmys. I loved them even back when Fyvush Finkle won every effing year for Picket Fences. I love them with a trusting and unconditional love that basically serves as beer goggles for the heart. Sure, they don't have quite the cache and glamour of the Oscars, and yes, since technically the same people can win year after year they run the risk of being predictable... but we're living in a glorious, creative time for television, not to mention in a culture that finds nothing silly about watching two straight hours of cameras zooming in on people's shoes as diminutive orange robots with highly gelled hair chase after them with microphones. Which is to say that if you love bloated, vapid entertainment then you've come to the right place, friend.
I live-blogged the Oscars back in March, but if you're unfamiliar with my style, here's what you can expect:
OK, let's do this. Seacrest, IN:
6:05: Giuliana Rancic won't let Ryan look at her toes on Shoe-Cam. "I played soccer as a child." HA.
6:06: Jimmy Fallon says he's nervous. Ryan calls Jimmy's wife "healthy." That's Hollywood for calling someone fat.
6:07: Giuliana urges viewers to text in questions, but reminds us that E! is a "family show." Then cuts to the cast of Jersey Shore, on deck to make some commentary. Apparently "family" means referring to intercourse as "smushing."
6:11: Giuliana introduces the Goodyear Blimp. So... I guess no one has shown up yet?
6:13: Gayest correspondent ever introduces the GlamCam360, which looks like a fashion MRI.
6:14: First "celebrities" arrive: Carrie Ann Inaba and Kelly Osbourne pose in creepy GlamCam360, which resembles one of those vomit-inducing Gravitron rides, only, obviously, MORE FABULOUS.
6:16: Ryan asks Jersey Shore kids some burning questions: "Snooki, you promised to stop drinking... during the day?" Stay classy, Seacrest.
6:17: Seacrest to Jersey Shore cast: "Hopefully someday you guys win an Emmy." Hopefully, the Mayan-predicted end of days will happen first.
6:18: Ty Burrell from Modern Family gets minimized in favor of Lo Bosworth from The Hills. Ouch.
6:20: Stay tuned for... Kathy Griffin! Man, this reminds me of when The Gutt would be the only person on the Oscars red carpet for the first hour.
6:25: Seacrest has mayor of LA Antonio Villaraigosa and Joel McHale. McHale: "I'm almost as spray-tanned as you are." Then Seacrest says the secret to his boyish skin is placenta. Who's handing out the Jell-O shots?
6:27: Artie from Glee tells Giuliana he wants to bang Sally Field. He likes you, Sally! He, um, REALLY likes you!
[Commercial interlude, 6:31: Wait, acai is pronounced "ah-say-ee"? Now I feel stupid. Thanks, Garnier Fructis.]
6:32: Kathy Griffin's mom tells Ryan he's evil, but will rescind it for a box of wine. In related news, I will take back any bitchy comment from this liveblog for a box of wine. Celebrities, take note.
6:33: Puck from Glee -- Rrrowr. Seacrest makes him admit that his ex-GF keyed his car.
6:36: Ryan interviews Kim Kardashian. "Is that the sex tape one?" asks my dad. HA.
6:36: Ryan gives up early; hands off mic to Kim to interview Lea Michele from Glee. They talk about body glitter. No, really.
6:39: When did Claire Danes start looking like Joan Allen? Seacrest pretends to have seen Temple Grandin.
6:41: Tracy Morgan is in a white tux. YES. "I think he should play Louis Armstrong in a biopic," says dad. "Put that in your blog."
6:43: Ryan asks Eva Longoria Parker about Desperate Housewives. I stopped watching last season -- is that still any good? Nearby, Lauren Graham is wearing a droopy white and black sack. Oh, Lorelai!
6:46: Sofia Vergara is in a sparkly Carolina Herrera. She looks great, even with a Swarovski skidmark down the front.
6:47: Giuliana has Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt. Draper looks dapper, as always.
6:49: Seacrest has Ricky Gervais, who looks like he's on a soul patch bender.
6:52: Giuliana's head is like two times the size of Bryan Cranston's entire body. By the way, who else wants a Breaking Bad/Malcolm in the Middle mashup? Make it happen, Hollywood!
6:53: Breaking: Christina Hendricks is wearing something possibly made out of Grimace from McDonaldland. With fringed sleeves! Updates to follow.
6:57: Glee creator Ryan Murphy is wearing a teal jacket. (Seacrest: "This is the first of this color tonight... for a man." NICE.)
6:59: Chris Colfer from Glee looks so cute.
7:00: January Jones is wearing a really interesting cerulean Versace. "How does it stay so stiff?" asks Seacrest. (That's what she said.)
7:01: Tina Fey predicts 30 Rock will lose everything this year. (Let's hope so -- I love me some 30 Rock but the same winners year after year is a recipe for ennui.)
7:02: Christina Hendricks is actually rocking her dress. The fringed sleeves, though, are distracting. Ryan refers to her boobies as her "two cents." This is why I love the E! red carpet special, y'all.
7:04: Julie Benz from Dexter looks glam in a white one-shoulder column. E!'s second-string correspondents -- a poor man's Courteney Cox wearing a hideous zebra print and a tiny man in a blue bow-tie -- can't pronounce the word "Emmy." Good times.
7:09: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer look sexxxxy in Alexander McQueen. They talk about the controversial naked Rolling Stone cover, calling their genitals "bits." Cute!
7:11: "Come on over and make me look short," Ryan beckons to Heidi Klum and Seal. Done and done!
7:13: Mindy Kaling from The Office has a vaguely Mad Men thing going on, with a high bun and cocktail dress. "What inspired your hair?" Giuliana asks. "The movie Up," Mindy deadpans.
7:15: Giuliana tries to get Manny from Modern Family to hit puberty in front of E!'s cameras. "Any ladies you've got your eye on?" she old-lady stage-whispers, leaning in like a drunk. "I'm more interested in video games," Manny hedges, inching away.
7:17: Ryan asks Neil Patrick Harris how two men can make a baby. The E! is for "Educational."
7:19: Kyra Sedgwick always looks so awesome.
7:25: Seacrest has Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, who had a baby 3 weeks ago and looks amazing in gray Max Azria.
7:27: You know who else looks amazing? Julia Louis Dreyfus. P.S. Giuliana is actually doing a really good job this year of refraining from asking celebs how they stay at twelve year-old weights.
7:30: Ryan asks Hugh Laurie if he's feeling lucky. The Dirty Harry of our times, America.
7:31: Awkwardly introducing celebrities to each other as you swap interviews is apparently called a "hot change." I feel like people should wear condoms for that.
7:32: Steve Carrell's wife looks bangin'. I think Seacrest calls Carrell "bubbe."
7:34: Julianna Margulies must drink the blood of virgins. How does she still look so good? Her dress kind of looks like it's made of PVC but I know this cannot be true.
7:39: Fashion spotlight on Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta. It's pretty fabulous. The E! second-string bow-tie correspondent notes that "if you have a small bust," ruffles are flattering. Meow!
7:42: Elisabeth Moss' dress has a giant skin tag. Embarrassing!
7:43: Jane Krakowski deserves an Emmy for living theatrically in everyday life.
7:45: John Krasinski! Swoon. What is Emily Blunt wearing?, Ryan asks. "Uh... lavender," says Krasinski.
7:47: I am so glad that Michael C. Hall is healthy and cancer-free. But... why does he have Albert Brooks hair?
7:48: Twitter buddy @alotofnothing says it better than I: Breaking News! Matthew Fox is dating Elvira.
7:49: Giuliana: "Susan Sarandon loves Ping Pong. Who knew that?" Um, anyone who has read any recent press on Susan Sarandon.
7:55: "How are you feeling?" Seacrest asks Paula Abdul. "Are you off --" OXYCONTIN? Oh, I'm sorry, did I type that out loud?
OK, E! preshow over. (Seacrest, out... and proud.) Onto the show:
8:00: Jimmy Fallon and Glee kids in a video sketch! Tina Fey! ZOMG, Jon Hamm doin' da butt with Betty White! HURLEY!!!!
8:04: THEY ARE SINGING THE BOSS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TIM GUNN!!!!
8:06: Best. Emmy. Opening. Ever. Kudos, Fallon.
8:07: Wait -- how did Fallon change into a tux?
8:08: The year in comedy is auto-tuned.
8:11: Jon Hamm and Betty White present together, make sex jokes. YES. And the winner of Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series is...
8:12: ... Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family! He's genuinely thrilled, which is refreshing. The ginger who plays his husband on MF cries.
8:18: Jim Parsons and Sofia Vergara present the Emmy for Writing for a Comedy Series. And the Emmy goes to... Steve Levitan and Christopher Lloyd (no, very sadly not that one) for Modern Family. I guess I should watch this show, huh?
8:23: Stephen Colbert: "Good evening ladies... and women." Presents Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy. And... this is in the bag for Jane Lynch, right?
8:24: Yes, it is!
8:25: Jane thanks her parents for being "unintentionally hilarious," then thanks her wife. Is that an Emmy first? Also: love the eggplant color of her gown.
8:30: Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry. Could these pairings GET any more random?
8:33: And the Emmy for Best Direction of a Comedy Series goes to... Ryan Murphy for Glee.
8:37: LL Cool J and Eva Longoria present Lead Actor in a Comedy Series? Ohhhhh-kay.
8:38: Jim Parsons wins! I don't watch The Big Bang Theory but I'm excited! New faces!
8:40: Also, just FYI, I'm on my second cocktail, so forgive... whatever may happen from here on out. What happens on the liveblog... stays on the Internet forever. Oh, God.
8:44: NPH presents Best Actress in a Comedy, and congratulates Jimmy Fallon on being gay.
8:45: And the winner is... Edie Falco for Nurse Jackie! She is shocked. I'm loving all this genuine emotion. "I'm not funny!" she says.
8:47: This reality TV montage makes me so happy, and so ashamed.
8:49: Will Arnett and Keri Russell present Best Reality Competition. And Top Chef wins! Amazing Race, please pack your knives and go. Snap!
8:56: Jimmy Fallon is actually kind of great. His little guitar intros are, dare I say, winning. I want to insert a Mare Winningham joke here but I'm not quick enough. St. Elmo's Fire! (Sorry, 80s Brat Pack Tourette's kicked in.)
9:01: Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni present
The Hotness Emmy Best Writing For Drama. And the Emmy goes to... Matthew Weiner and Erin something (girl, I feel so bad but I didn't look up fast enough to read your last name) for Mad Men.
9:05: This is all happening so fast. Meloni and Hargitay hump a fridge*, then announce Best Supporting Actor for Drama. And Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad beats out Ben and Locke from Lost! I was rooting for Terry O'Quinn, but to paraphrase Lelaina Pierce, Breaking Bad is a really good show.
*To everyone who got this joke, I love you. To everyone else, I'm not crazy. Go watch Wet Hot American Summer.
9:11: Emily Deschanel and Nathan Fillion present the Best Supporting Actress in a Drama. And the winner is... Archie Panjabi from The Good Wife. "Thank you so much, this is so wonderful for my career," she says. Gotta love that honesty.
9:13: Edie Falco presents Lead Actor in a Drama. Why is this going so fast, for reals? And the Emmy goes to... Bryan Cranston. For the third time in a row. Now, I love Breaking Bad but this is why the Emmys get boring. Remember when Helen Hunt won for Mad About You for four fucking years? No, you don't, because you were sleeping.
9:21: John Lithgow and Ann Margaret won Best Guest Stars on Dramz for Dexter and Bye Bye Birdie (no, not really, but I was too busy typing to see what she was on. They present the Best Direction Emmy for Dramz to some Dexter guy.
9:23: Jimmy Fallon as Elton John sings a tribute to 24. As Boyz II Men he sings about Law & Order. As Billie Joe Armstrong on Lost: "The island it was mythical, but in the end they died. I didn't understand it but I tried." Fallon = brilliant. Who knew? Am I just drunk?
9:31: Are the Emmys over at 10? Is NBC on speed?
9:32: Matthew Morrison and Tina Fey present Best Actress in a Drama Series... and Best Fantasy Celebrity Sandwich. And the Emmy goes to ... Kyra Sedgwick. She smooches KevBac (my BFF, who I totally had breakfast with) and looks generally smokin'.
9:37: Joel McHale and Jeff Probst come out to present the Emmy for Writing for a Variety Program. And the Emmy goes to... the Tonys! I feel like this is awards show incest.
9:41: The Emmys are such a shameless tart, tempting me with John Krasinski. Time for some glugs of my drink.
9:46: Ricky Gervais on Mel Gibson: "I'm not gonna have a go at him... he's been through a lot. [pause] Not as much as the Jews."
9:51: Outstanding Variety Series... come on, Coco! Make me proud!!!!
9:53: And the winner is... The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Okay, fine, but why isn't Stewart here to accept? Also, they've won this SEVEN TIMES. Lamesauce. Give me Coco or give me
death more vodka.
9:59: Julianna Margulies comes out to give George Clooney an award for humanitarianism. Tina Fey looks unconvinced.
10:03: I think Clooney just threatened to show his balls to the Sudanese.
10:04: Ah, Miniseries, the dessicated circus peanut of the candy bowl that is the Emmys.
10:07: Emmys, you saucy minx, bringing my attention to Miniseries with John Krasinski (and yes, I'm counting on him having a Google alert on himself. HI, JOHN. YOU COMPLETE ME.)
10:08: Julia Ormond wins something for something. I'm tipsy. But so is Julia! "I told my mum I was eminated for a Nommy," she says. Also: describes Temple Grandin as "a chick flick with bull's balls!"
10:14: Claire Danes gets introduced by classical violin because she's so fancy.
10:15: David Strathairn wins Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries for Temple Grandin.
10:17: The real Temple Grandin is super inspiring, but she's also dressed like Johnny Cash.
10:18: In Memoriam, aka the Death-O-Meter. Sad! Jimmy Dean. Soupy Sales. COREY HAIM! BONER! GARY COLEMAN! BLANCHE DEVEREAUX! THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD YOU GUYS. The only thing that makes it easier is Jewel's nostril-flaring.
10:25: Maura Tierney and Blair Underwood present Best Writing for a Miniseries. Some dude wins for You Don't Know Jack, about Kevorkian. "I'm so glad you're not my physician!" he says.
10:27: Lead Actress in a Miniseries goes to... Claire Danes. "Thank you HBO, like, for serious!" she gushes. The LOLspeak doesn't really translate when spoken aloud.
10:34: Alexander Skarsgard, Anna Paquin, and Stephen Moyer present the Best Directing Emmy for a Miniseries, make sucky vampire puns (and seriously, when is this vampire craze going to end? Bring on the centaur!). Oh, Temple Grandin wins.
10:38: Al Pacino wins Best Actor in a Miniseries for You Don't Know Jack. Hoo-ah!
10:41: Jack Kevorkian is at the Emmys, looking, ironically, like death warmed over.
10:42: Great idea, courtesy of dad: "Nominees should submit lists of names in advance and the thank-yous should scroll down the side of the screen when they win." I'll submit mine now: Mark Summers, Nair, Carlo Rossi.
10:47: Tom Hanks accepts Best Miniseries for The Pacific. And then --shocker -- Temple Grandin wins for Best Made-For-TV Movie. The producer's boobs almost fall out. Exciting!
10:50: TOM SELLECK! OMG! Who wants a mustache ride?
10:51: I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. Mad Men wins for Best Dramz!
10:56: The Cheers theme song! Ted Danson! My girlhood crush! Emmys, you are being such a tease!
10:58: Modern Family wins Best Comedy. Yay! The end! I don't have a wrap-up prepared, plus I'm kind of drunk and it's time to watch the Mad Men encore, so let's just pretend I said something poignant.
P.S. Check my blog later this week for an Emmy fashion throwdown.
Follow Una LaMarche on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sassycurmudgeon