How is it the finale already? How is it almost May? Time is flying faster than Heidi's gestation period!
Previously on: Papa Gunn got on the tramp, denied Emilio hugs, and bonded with Filipinos. Jay and Mila engaged in a runway walk-off to the death, like in Zoolander but with less espionage and fewer wedgies. Thoroughly Mod(ern) Mila won over the judges in an upset that sent her nemesis, the pocket-sized Jay, to pack up his scarves and go home, and the final three--Mila, resident egotist Emilio, and savant spaz Seth Aaron--readied themselves for Bryant Park.
The final day of season 7 begins as the final three arrive in the workroom to make last-minute adjustments to their collections... and, of course, to mock one another mercilessly. (Seth Aaron describes it as "sizin' up the comp." The lyrics to my ProjRun musical just write themselves: Papa Gunn's on the tramp/Sizin' up the comp/Mila's maybe colorblind/Emilio's all pomp...)
Sorry. Anyway, Mila describes Seth Aaron's collection as "glamorous Hot Topic," while Emilio deems Mila's garments "very severe and very demure." Mila then does an awesome, deadpan assessment of Emilio's collection: "I'm in a boutique... in Harlem... in 1994." Seth calls Emilio's clothes "older," but it's obvious he's not really bitching--getting a catty barb out of Seth Aaron is like squeezing Manic Panic from a stone. Mila feels confident after seeing the other collections. "I'm feeling like I could win!" she says. Oy.
Tim arrives to check in wearing a turtleneck and a leather blazer, an Alastair Cooke-in-a-leather bar look that makes Seth Aarons hair stand on end...
(His sideburns, though, refused to rally.)
Speaking of Ed Grimley, Tim checks in with him first. Apparently Seth Aaron has made 24 complete looks when he only needs to send 10 down the runway. Someone's focused!
Next, Tim faces off once again with Emilio, the Gargamel to his Papa Smurf. Tim remains unimpressed with Emilio's color-based designs. "I'm not saying this in a barbed, hostile way," Tim says, "but I hate you... and I hate your ass face!" JK, he actually says, "Haven't we seen this before?" And he has a point: The whole collection looks kind of blandly polished, each piece resembling something already on the racks at a department store, albeit an upscale one.
Finally, Tim checks in on Mila. "One word that has resonated with the judges in relation to you has been 'rough,'" he says. Damn, Tim, that is harsh. Might as well say, "You know, the word that most resonates with me in relation to you is 'Butterface'... or maybe 'husky.'" Oh, wait, he means that she needs to roughen up her styling. Okay. Phew.
Models come in for casting, and... I have to admit that I wasn't really paying attention because at my finale viewing party there was barbecue chicken, wine, and an adorable toddler, all of which lured my attention away from the television so that I could eat them, drink them, and let them chew on my BlackBerry, respectively. Anyway, at one point Seth Aaron's main model tries on a red dress and cries "You are a genius!" and Emilio has to rework some of his stuff to remedy fit issues. Then Collier Strong and that effeminate Keanu Reeves-ian Garnier dude show up for their product placement segments and the chicken and booze win out again.
It's the morning of the runway show! The designers wake up at 2:45 am and head to Bryant Park, where Seth Aaron immediately lies down and tries to make a snow angel on the runway. "We don't have time for you," Emilio scolds. Old Man Jenkins, indeed.
Suddenly we time-lapse to a few hours later and the backstage area is a zoo. There's steaming, there's fluffing (not that kind of fluffing, this isn't Proj-Rectal Funway, a terrible porn title I just invented), there's kvetching, there's pinning. Someone informs Mila that three of her models are missing and she is, understandably, vexed. Emilio also has a model missing. Where do these models go missing to? Every season they disappear like so many Laundromat socks. I sincerely hope that wherever they are they aren't stuck in a lint trap. Anyway, eventually alternate models are supplied and crises are averted. The models line up, the designers wring their hands, and the show begins!
(I know your burning question is, since I was at the show, am I on TV? And the answer, friends, sadly, is no. I was up in the nosebleed section, but I was able to gaze lovingly at the top of Nigel Barker's head from afar.
In real life, since ten designers presented collections (seven of which were very expensive decoys), the show order went like so:
Jay
Janeane
Jonathan
Anthony
Jesse
Seth Aaron
Emilio
Mila
Ben
Amy
The show was fucking long, yo. But last night's episode was blessedly condensed.)
SETH AARON
Seth Aaron goes first, wearing tight acid wash jeans and a hairstyle that suggests he might be using Ben Stiller's semen in place of his regular Dippity Do.
"What do you mean, where's the rest of Devo?"
He says his collection was inspired by "German and Russian military in the 1940s." (So... Nazis?) "My girls are strong and they're going to kick ass."
I love this dress. It's beautiful and symmetrical and strong and mesmerizing. I'm not sure where/how someone would wear it on the street, but really, what does that matter? It's fashion, baby.
This is like a superhero costume made out of tweed. I feel like she could be a Batman nemesis, the Houndstooth Fairy, who terrorizes Gotham with her coarse, unfinished wool. It looks cool, though.
Y'all know how I feel about PVC leggings but I feel I can forgive these because the dress is so pretty. It's soft, which is not something we've seen much of from Seth Aaron, and I like how the breezy trapeze shape contrasts with the hard, graphic patterns.
It's hard for me to form an opinion of this dress because I feel like it's not at all flattering on this model. It makes her look kind of... thick, no? I like the idea of it, just maybe not the neckline...
Hey, if you squint, it looks like this model is walking down the runway naked, holding a large black cat who is wearing a tartan bow between its ears. Try it, it's fun.
I am in love with this fabric, and, subsequently, this coat. It would likely make me look like SpongeBob SquarePants after being run over by a sixteen-wheeler, but no matter. LOVE. (Fun fact: If you search for "yellow plaid" on Google the first link that comes up is... Hot Topic! Hahaha.)
The puffy coat I think I like, but the rest of this is hard for me to get behind. Why does the top have a pubic mound flap? And those leggings, on any but the slimmest of gams, would simply look like highway... to the danger zone (and by "danger zone" I mean PVC and yellow plaid-clad saddlebags.)
This, as Tim might say, is a whole lot of look, and I think there are too many patterns and textures at play here. It's like Alice in Wonderland as envisioned by a colorblind J. Peterman...
Pretty! This makes me think of Maggie Gyllenhaal. And also, checkers.
I never understand it when designers put giant hips on things. Most women don't need pretend hips, and certainly not saggy purple ones. Doesn't this look like Ursula the Sea Witch spilling out of a too-tight leather neglige?
MILA
Mila was inspired by shadows.
"When I was a little girl, a boy named Peter Pan left his shadow behind at my London estate. Luckily I found it and was able to sew it back on. This is for you, Pete."
I like this; it's punky. Which makes me think of Soleil Moon Frye, which makes me think of fries. Mmmmm, fries. I wonder if this model can eat fries with her two broken wrists?
Kind of schizophrenic, but artful. It's like Jean Seberg in Breathless got jumped by a crazed stylist from White House/Black Market.
I think I really like this... or I just have a girl-crush on the model. I do NOT have a girl crush on the necklace, which looks like a Jacob's Ladder made of car parts or prehistoric IUDs.
LOVE the coat. Feel good about not being able to see the rest of the pants, as reverse tuxedo capris are not my friend.
This puts the Mod in modern, and shows that Mila listened to the judges. While I don't know that I would wear this, it's a head-to-toe look and I think it really works.
Similarly, I like this look--it's very Mila but it's edgy and young. I think the mix of textures works well here.
The top is cool-looking and different; the shorts and bag make me think "postal worker."
I'm totally down with this look, but feel I must point out that LEGGINGS DO NOT EQUAL PANTS. This message MUST get passed down to the children of America for the good of humankind! Jamie Oliver should totally do a show on it.
When I was a kid I once asked my mom what happened when people broke their tailbones. "Do they get a BUTT CAST?!" I giggled. Now we know what happens when someone sprains an aureole.
Pretty! I love this dress, which she showed on last week's episode. It manages to be Mod and flapper-y but also contemporary and not too twee.
EMILIO
Emilio's collection is called "Color Me Badd." For real.
"I'm so glad you're my girl
I'll do anythung 4 U
Call U every night
And give U flowers 2!"
Or maybe "Color Me Bad;" I don't know if the most awesome boy band ever to exist copyrighted their ddouble-DD. (Fine, I'll admit it: I own their debut album, C.M.B. Mock me if you must, but I did it All 4 Love, y'all. All 4 Love.)
I love the cut and color of the coat, though the shoulder-and-sternum-binding strap seems a tad constrictive. Emilio's "camouflage" print looks more to me like a Hypercolor animal skin. It's okay under the coat, but on its own is
I'm a sucker for a red dress, and this is pretty, but kind of Talbot's-y, no?
This jacket reminds me of those weird blankets you always find in a mothball-filled drawer at vacation houses. They look like fleece, but they feel like felted sytrofoam, and they always--always!--have some suspicious stains. On a positive note, I am glad that Violet Beauregarde emerged unscathed from the juicer.
I like the coat a lot, but there might be too much color here for one look.
I don't know how he did it, but Emilio brought Keith Haring back from the dead to paint the inside of the human colon on an 80s power bitch suit. Seriously, this is like a Magic Eye print (if you unfocus your eyes it projects an image of Tim with a Hitler mustache!)
I love this and would totally wear it--VPL be damned!--but, like the red dress, this looks like I could buy it almost anywhere. Emilio's personality in this collection seems confined to his SOSA print.
Digging the overall Piet Mondrian vibe, but take away the belt and this is just a black skirt and turtleneck.
This outfit is the sartorial equivalent of an effeminate rockabilly biker and a coupon-clipping 80s power bitch having a one-night stand in an abandoned Contempo Casuals warehouse. W...T...F.
I think Emilio's print looks way better here, as a lining for a coat, than on its own as a blouse or a dress. But it's distracting when paired with the graffiti brocade skirt with ovary pockets; it's hard for me to make a sound judgment on either while my brain is seizing so violently.
Love it or hate it, this looks like the Emilio I've watched all season. Of everything he sent down the runway, this had the most life by far.
After the show, as per usual, the rejected designers and an eclectic mix of C-list celebrities tell us what they think. Jonathan thinks Seth Aaron should win, while Ping is Team Mila and Anthony backs Emilio. (By the way, the eliminated designers--with the exception of Maya, Ping, Jesus, and anyone else not in the final 10--were not in the audience for the runway show as far as I know, so those shots were fakes!) Raven Symone likes Emilio's collection because it was so 90s. That's SO Raven to say that, guys. Hahahaha. Oh God, is this recap over yet?
After everyone leaves, the judges (with guest judge Faith Hill, if you care) take their places and the designers come back out. Of Seth Aaron, Michael Kors says, "You really know how to craft clothes beautifully. You stepped up the luxury but it still stayed young." As praise is heaped upon his competitor, Emilio makes the most amazing Bitchface ever and we have to rewind it and watch several times to appreciate it. It is like a Bitchface onion; the nuances and layers keep revealing themselves. Emilio must take some comfort, though, in the fact that the judges are not huge fans of Seth Aaron's dominatrix Ursula dress and think it was heavy-handed.
As for ESOSA himself, the judges offer slightly more tepid reviews. Faith Hill was "knocked out" by it, but she doesn't really count. Heidi really liked the print but seems underwhelmed by the rest. MK tells Emilio that he made the most commercial of the three collections, and that he loves the gown.
Of Mila's work, MK declares "You killed the girl in the cage doing the Frug and you took it out of the 60s." He also, regrettably, tells her than whenever she played with shine "it really turned me on," and that the contrast of textures was "nasty in a good way." Ew, Michael. Nina thinks the hair and makeup helped a lot to transform Mila's looks and make them more youthful.
The designers get lost, and the judges deliberate. It seems pretty obvious that they love Seth Aaron's collection more than the other two. My guess would be Emilio out first, then Seth Aaron wins.
When the final three come back out, however, Mila is the first one out. WTF? This is just like last season with Carol Hannah. "You're still a winner," Mila's mom tells her backstage. Awwww.
Out on the runway, it's down to Emilio and Seth Aaron. And, to (hopefully) no one's surprise...
Seth Aaron is the winner of Project Runway!
Emilio is clearly not pleased. ("In the words of our wisest contestant, Anthony Williams," he says in his exit interview, "You don't have to have the crown to be the king. And ESOSA will be a world brand." Keep on keepin' on, dude.)
Seth Aaron's cute family comes out and they all hug and cry, and all of a sudden it occurs to me that Seth Aaron, not Mila, is Lydia Deetz. And then he levitates and dances to Harry Belafonte and as we fade out on this season of Project Runway, all seems well with the world.
Thank you, as always, for reading. I have to go have like ten drinks now. I will see you all whenever this bitch starts again.
In the interim, you can always find me on my blog, The Sassy Curmudgeon, or on Facebook. Have a great summer, and try to stay off the tramp, y'all.