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Passive-Aggressive Holiday Gifts For Everyone On Your Naughty List

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We all know the hidden meanings behind certain tried-and-true holiday presents. A fruitcake might as well bear a tag reading "You are an octogenarian who is related to me but whom I never call." A scarf says, "I am your secret Santa in the office pool, and here is what I know about you: You have a neck." A pair of boxer shorts bedecked with cartoon reindeer is code for "We don't have sex anymore and this represents my tacit acceptance of that fact."

But what if you have a more specialized message to convey? I've compiled a handy gift guide for situations in which sacks of coal just don't get the message across. (Disclaimer: I secretly want all of these).

1. Recipient: Your cat
When you want to say: I resent the way you keep peeing on the clean clothes I leave on top of the dryer.
Gift: Anne of Green Gables Maid Outfit

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(This site is AMAZING. And I think they might have Anne confused with Annie... I don't remember Anne Shirley ever being forced to mop while wearing a do-rag...)

2. Recipient: Your roommate
When you want to say: Please get a bed without springs. Thanks.
Gift: Ex-Masturbator tee shirt

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3. Recipient: Your platonic friend who you have a crush on but who you suspect might be gay.
When you want to say: This is a test.
Gift: Captain and Tennille dolls in original boxes

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4. Recipient: Jonathan Safran Foer
When you want to say: Thanks so much for taking away the joy I used to find in a nice piece of steak.
Gift: Bacon-Scented Bacon Tuxedo

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5. Recipient: Your best friend who un-followed you on Twitter and thought you wouldn't notice
When you want to say: What, you didn't like my extensive list of #philosopherrollerderby names? Aristhrottle was a good one.
Gift: A TweetBook
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6. Recipient: Your mom, with whom you are feuding
When you want to say: Because, deep down, I love you, I am giving you this gift of 80s comedy gold that can be enjoyed for years--nay, centuries--but I also want you to read between the lines.
Gift: My Two Dads on DVD

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7. Recipient: Your grandpa, who voted for McCain
When you want to say: I can't heckle you because of your pacemaker, but I'd still like to rub it in.
Gift: A John McCain figurine produced before the election, meant to complete the Marx presidential figurine collection... in an alternate universe!

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(Make sure to tell gramps that while McCain costs $10, Michael Dukakis goes for $30! His ass will be so burned.)

8. Recipient: Your husband/wife who doesn't approve of your So You Think You Can Dance and/or Mythbusters marathons.
When you want to say: You know what's probably just as fun as television I bet? Candle making.
Gift: A trip to Amish Country

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9. Recipient: Your sister who habitually tags hideous photos of you on Facebook
When you want to say: Two can play that game.
Gift: A picture of the two of you in which you look awesome and she looks busted (have it framed professionally so she can't take it out).

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(This is an actual photo from my wedding. My husband glows; I look like he's giving me an atomic wedgie...)

10. Recipient: Your coworker who can't pronounce your name
When you want to say: It's pronounced Oz-wee-pay*.
Gift: A mousepad bearing an offensive definition of their name from UrbanDictionary.com.

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*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, look up Nicolas Cage's "Baby Name" sketch from SNL in 1992. You will not be sorry.

For more ill-advised gift ideas, visit my blog, The Sassy Curmudgeon.