My Tiger Mother Experiment: Using Chua's Book as a Parenting Guide

Amy Chua has claimed that her bestseller "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" is not a parenting guide for lax Westerners. She insists that it's a memoir of her own experiences and not meant to supply "news you can use" -- as we in the ladies' magazine business call it.

I wish the Tiger Mother book were a service-y collection of tips, tricks and how-tos. For instance, I'd like a handy flow-chart to teach me how, exactly, Chua got her two daughters to practice their instruments for four hours a day. When I asked my 12-year-old daughter Lucy to start sawing away on her violin last night, she said, "When this video is over. Check it out. It's called 'Fat Cat Doesn't Want to Diet.'"

As a sucker for any cat video, I watched. Then Lucy showed me five more. Half an hour passed, and she hadn't scratched out a single note. We laughed together, but so what? She won't get to Carnegie Hall by giggling with her mom about lolcats.

Maggie, my 15-year-old daughter, chronically puts off her homework until the last possible minute. How did Chua get her daughters to do math drills until their brains spilled out their ears? Western Moms need to know! "Do your homework!" I nagged Maggie every 15 minutes for three hours.

"Five minutes," she said.

I'm desperate for a step-by-step breakdown of humiliation and shaming techniques. Where's a snappy Top Ten Rules for physical intimidation? I attempted Tiger Mother tactics. "If you don't start your homework immediately," I said, "you're grounded! No sleepovers or play dates. No dinner!"

"You want to deprive me of friends and food?" asked Maggie. "If you think that's the right thing to do, who am I to argue?"

That got me nowhere. So I tried this: "You're... you're garbage!"

"And you're sassy," Maggie replied, which made us both laugh.

You see? I'm flailing here without a bullet-point Tiger Mother methodology. Does one first threaten to throw away the toys, or start by denying them bathroom breaks? Obviously, I'm doing it wrong. Whenever I issue an order, my kids roll their eyes and tell me to take "a chillaxative."

Maybe I started too late in my their lives to bend them mercilessly to my will. I curse myself for allowing them to develop insufferable minds of their own. And I blame myself completely for their having friends, laughing a lot and expressing themselves.

Maggie and Lucy blame me, too, for everything I've done wrong as well as anything I might've done right. But, since they're not on the Dean's List and haven't played Carnegie Hall, I can't imagine what that might be.

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Comments

[Lorraine Devon Wilke]

10:24 PM on 02/24/2011

Hilarious! And so on-the-mark!

Frankly I've been dispirited by the surprising number of people who seem to support Chua's methods, so much so that I had to write my own HuffPo piece which tandems with yours nicely: (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lorraine-devon-wilke/parent-thy-name-is-love-d_b_823264.html).

As a child who experienced the kind of destructive parenting Chua prescribes but went on to raise my perfectly-imperfect son with slew of mistakes, a ton of joy and a promise to never verbally or physically resort to soul-crushing discipline, I applaud you and all my fellow parents who also knew that love was more important than perfection.

[Jaya Hangal]

05:34 PM on 02/14/2011

Thanks for your hilarious blog. I liked your honesty in writing the facts down. I'm trying to be a tough Mom to get my 6 year old son perform at the school talent show. It's hard to make sure that the kid understands you are being tough only because you love them so much!
I wish there was a single mantra to get this out straight, as I once read- "Love them, and show them the world".

[docwhiting]

03:57 PM on 02/09/2011

Valerie - Thanks for your clever response to Chua's parenting tome. I found Chua's perspective on Motherhood disheartening on two levels. First, I believe our nation really should focus on civility. I believe that civility, begins at home. Advocating calling any child degrading names in an attempt to get them to fulfill a parent's version of what 'success' looks like is mean - it is uncivil. Listening to your kids and laughing with them? Sounds like civility is alive in your home.

Second, Chua referred to various 'successes' that she experienced with her girls as 'our' achievement. 'We' did it, she claims. I'm all for teams, and I like to think that my teenage kids see me as part of who they are. And yet, when they do a good job on a test, or if they happen to solo well during a band concert, I hope they are thinking, "Wow, I did it!" I don't want them to confuse their personal accomplishment with my support and encouragement.

Thanks, Valerie, for offering up words that make it okay for us as parents to laugh with our kids - and to remind us that we can let them discover their own greatness with our love and support...but most importantly, that laughing with our kids is good! Now I'm going to take a 'chillaxative' and see if my daughter wants to watch "Fat Cat Doesn't Want to go on a Diet" with me.

[Sheri Noga MA]

02:53 PM on 02/09/2011

Loved your humor about all this tiger mother craziness. Although I'm a practicing psychotherapist and author of a book on parenting, I made a video parody of tiger mother. It can be viewed at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zrdoOPOGp8

American parents struggle with how to be firm, yet loving parents. Research shows again and again that a combination of affection and discipline yield the most well adjusted kids. Parents need to educate themselves about how to do this: It's not that hard!

Sheri Noga, MA
www.havethegutstodoitright.com

[Escape From LA]

11:22 PM on 02/08/2011

Check out the French movie, "The Piano Teacher." It's not about tiger mothers, per se, but does provide a disturbing window into the psychological effects of a controlling mother home environment, even into adulthood. You can find it on Netflix. (So it's not just Chinese parents, either.)

[quindy]

09:26 AM on 02/08/2011

That was probably the most disturbing book I have ever read. The title should have been "Born to torture". Chua accomplished what she did by INTIMIDATING her children from very young age. Did you miss the episode of a three year old out in the cold? Chua's children are no prodigies, they are well trained circus monkeys, traumatized for life. To live life focused only on success and never reflect on the price that children will ultimately pay is beyond pathetic, not to mention the constantly bad atmosphere in the family. If you talk to really talented people (musicians, scientists and so on) you will hear that they WANTED to do what they did. Nobody strapped Ann-Sophie Mutter or Midori to violin for six hours a day. Parents of real prodigies have opposite problem of Chua - the kids DON'T WANT to stop playing or exploring, or computing.

I was most annoyed with the fact that father is nowhere in the picture. How can parent allow another parent to do this to children? Was he intimidated too?

I am a firm believer in love and discipline, and the fine balancing act that goes on every day as we parent our children. Personally, we produced no prodigies, but three successful, loving, tolerant, and engaged individuals.

Success only is not enough.

[brooklyncitizen]

09:04 PM on 02/09/2011

Success only is not enough.
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Under achievement is less than enough.