When Leaving Jesus Means Losing Your Family

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

-Jesus, Matthew 10:34-36

When my Gen Y friend Michael confessed publicly that he couldn't believe any longer, it cost him a full ride scholarship and all of his friends but three. But that wasn't the worst of it. Michael had to make a choice: He could stay in his parents' home only if he refrained from "spiritual pornography," meaning any media that were critical of faith. He could stay there only if he kept his doubts muted and invisible. Michael said he couldn't do that and moved out. His mother said it would have been better had he died. His father banned Michael from seeing beloved younger siblings without supervision. (Apparently spiritual pornography can lead to spiritual pedophilia?) Loneliness and despair took him to the brink of suicide.

Michael is warm, funny, and fiercely smart. Today he is back in school at a secular university, going it alone, working his way toward becoming a brain scientist. But the choices he was forced to face and the rejection he experienced are matched in our society only for kids who confess that they are gay.

According to recent Pew data, sixteen percent of Americans say that they don't have a religious affiliation. Other surveys would suggest that most of these still believe in some kind of god, and many probably still identify in some way with Christian teachings. But the fact is, a sizeable number of us no longer ascribe to the faith(s) of our fathers. And for those whose fathers serve a jealous god, the price can be high.

From testimonials at places like exChristian.net; exMormon.org; Faithfreedom.org (leaving Islam) we know that Michael's despair and desperation were not unique. Many who lose religion muddle along in silent shame -- wanting to believe, praying desperately for doubts to be removed, blaming themselves and fending off images of eternal torture before finally giving up the fight. Granted, some lucky few simply flip a bit, but others find themselves dragged reluctantly into an internal conflict takes years.

Most religions implant psychological safeguards against apostasy, little emotional bombs of fear, guilt, shame and self-loathing that get triggered by the mere act of questioning. In religious orthodoxy, doubt is the domain of fools. It is the consequence of having hardened your heart like Pharaoh or resenting God's power like Lucifer. Oh ye of little faith!

Now add to loss and self-loathing a crush of rejection by people who have loved you "unconditionally": friends, cousins, siblings, parents, or even a spouse. When I was a suicidal nineteen-year-old (still a believer), a woman I had looked up to for years, apologized for having counseled me as a Christian when in hindsight I clearly was not. But even now, despite my public apostasy, my family has never cut me off, nor I them. We walk a loving, if uncomfortable line with each other. Our compatibility depends on things not said as much as it depends on conversation, but the common ground is also real.

Not everyone is so lucky. Some families cannot get past revulsion and sense of betrayal they feel toward a member who has literally broken faith. Manifest examples of kindness, integrity, warmth, or generosity get reinterpreted. They were never real -- or the person has changed utterly.

Some former believers, fragile in either their disbelief or their self-worth, can't stand to be in the relentless presence of even unspoken disapproval. Others try to reach out to family members and get turned away with harsh words or silent shunning. Still others face a barrage of re-conversion efforts at any family gathering.

A divorce can get initiated by either side. Either way, it is the renegade who is most likely to end up alone and symptomatic. Think about it: for a person who has already lost a god and consequently a core part of the self, to sever ties with family is an act of desperation or sheer self preservation.

Returning to my earlier comparison with gay kids coming out -- we all know what the worst case scenarios look like. In major cities across the country, outreach programs offer a helping hand to homeless and often self-destructive gay teens, kids who have been given the boot by parents who think they might as well be dead. But who is offering support to kids or adults who lose their religion?

Even among my professional peers, psychologists, far too few understand the depth of harm that can be done to the psyche by fundamentalist religion -- religion that subsumes the individual self to a cult self. The irony is that few mental health professionals are sympathetic to the claims of moral dogma. The practicing therapist is exposed daily to life's caprice: biochemical malfunctions, developmental vagaries, and rotten life circumstances. In contrast to a religious perspective, psychology seeks to understand material and historical roots of symptoms rather than making moral judgments. So the problem is not that the professional world view aligns with a dogmatic world view. It is just that, in the absence of dramatic evidence to the contrary, we are all taught to think of religion as harmless.

It's time to give up the illusion.

Follow Valerie Tarico on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ValerieTarico

Comments

[jgiddyup]

Raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for grades 1-6. Did the Altar Boy thing but only because it meant two free trips to the local amusement park annually.

I prayed once in a while and after never seeing any results I figured what's the point.

My point is that I've never been a "true believer" and while I now consider myself a heavily atheist leaning agnostic, I was lucky in a sense that outside of our Sunday forays to church religion was hardly ever discussed at home.

Starting when I was about 9 or 10 years old my parents would let my brothers, sisters and myself go to the early 9:00AM mass while they would go to the 11:00 that was always presided over by the Bishop.

In doing so they would give us a few dollars for the collection plate and we would walk right past the church and go directly to Mcdonalds. After enjoying a 9:00AM filet O fish combo we would walk back to the church, grab a weekly bulletin, put the few coins left from Mcdonalds in the collection slot of the prayer candle setup at the entrance and walk home right on time. This only worked because the few friends my parents had from church always went to the 11:00 mass, so there was no one to tell on us.

Since I never really believed in the 1st place I haven't had to overcome any emotional baggage myself, but can certainly empathize with those who have.

In being a mostly non believer for all of my life I was until recently a live and let live kind of person. I would see the Falwells, Robertsons, Swaggarts etc... make the news and would think to myself, people actually listen to these blowhards and it would fade away in a few hours or so.

It wasn't until the "Intelligent Design" dustup in PA a few years ago that I couldn't take it anymore and what ultimately led me to the Huffingtonpost.

Religion has become so pervasive in politics that it's now my "Mission" in life to re-establish article #6 of the Constitution and BURY the current flavor of the republiCON party in a stack of religious porn.

[annrolio]

We are a clannish brood by nature, us upright, Homo sapiens. Any form of dissention among a clan is reason for suspicion and eventual expulsion. Sniffing out differences is in our crude DNA and since our heads have gotten so much larger than our rationally, evolved intelligence, we are driven by our need to belong to a group for our very survival, at any cost. Those of us who are willing to walk alone and away from such collective conditioning, often feel utterly defeated, with our heads bent downward and our tails some place else. After wondering around alone, we eventually find others who have been expelled from other clans (families) and though each of our reasons may be different, we all share the common experience of going against the core of what we needed to believe in, in order to survive, for a while, anyway. It takes courage to go your own way. It takes courage to out think this human condition.

[MajorKong]

Jesus is a lot like Elvis. I love the guy, but the fans really creep me out sometimes.

[christine01]

I was struck by your point about outreach programs that offer a helping hand to homeless and often self-destructive gay teens and your question, "Who is offering support to kids or adults who lose their religion?"

There is a real need for qualified individuals to offer guidance, support and encouragement to both children and adults who have lost/left their religion. Telling our stories is an important part of this process. My writing partner, Kevin, and I recognize the need for people to have a virtual place to explore and discuss their experiences and questions concerning "coming-out" as atheist or agnostic. Toward that end, we have created a new website, everydayag­nostics.co­m.

Our goal is to help de-stigmatize atheism and agnosticism by showing ordinary people living our lives without the presupposition of a deity. We welcome the stories of individual's de-conversions, as well as how they now find meaning beyond belief.

[Dap]

Kudos on ya!

[islanddreamer]

I agree with Valeri Tarico. Great article! I feel there needs to be a children's bill of right's that protects children from indoctrination into irrational belief systems. It's really emotional abuse of the most insidious kind and sometimes takes a lifetime to recover from. Like other forms of abuse it is passed down from generation to generation. And yes, it clearly has negative consequences for children and for society as a whole. Our survival as a species depends on our bringing the most rational thought processes to bear on the problems which face us. 2000-year-old superstitions have no place in modern society except as quaint historical footnotes.

[seaape]

A timely post. I haven't had the problems you describe. My family is very liberal and the basic rule was that I could believe as I liked but that I should show up. My parents belonged to a congregation, but my father was generally agnostic, and my mother liked singing in the choir., and when she said she prayed for me, it was with a wink.

These days, the fight for me is to make sure that education does not depend on superstition. I think that peoples' beliefs are an aspect of personality, kind of like their favorite color. These are traits that are not easily subject to reason. It's hard to convince somebody that chocolate is the best flavor if they like vanilla. Religion is like that. It's on the order of an aesthetic choice. My mother could never understand modern art.

[cynatnite]

Thank you so much for bringing to light those struggles I had when it came to dealing with christianity for myself. It took years to come to terms and once I did I found a sense of peace that I had never experienced. Not only was there an emotional turmoil to deal with, but also the reactions of devout family members.

While I'm confident my family will never disown me for being an atheist, I still haven't told them. That's mainly because I think it would be painful for them. My rejecting of their religion would be very difficult for them.

Maybe someday I will.

[Jella]

Thank you Ms Tarico for both the article, and your insight. As a reader of HuffPost, and a member at ExChristian.net I look forward to reading you in the future. When I finally came out as a non-believer, it truly was like coming out as gay all over again. It's not right to have to go through that once, let alone twice.

[Phaedrusnyc]

The one simple question that stymies most highly religious people is this one: Would you still feel this way if you had been born into another family with another religion? Just about every religiousl­y-oriented person can not accept the simple logic that they believe what they believe because they were told to believe it. Ask another question: If you had been born and died on an island where they had never heard of Jesus Christ/All­ah/Krishna­/Flying Spaghetti Monster, would you go to Hell? Would that be fair?
Every day I wake up and thank God (yes, God) that I was born to a Catholic and a Jew who were brave enought to let their children make their own decisions regarding what and whom to believe.

[Dap]

Fact is no one is going anywhere Heaven nor hell.

This (the present) is the only space-time you, I, and everyone else will *EVER* have the profound pleasure of existing in, and the sooner Humanity comes to that realization the better.

[Pandu]

"The one simple question that stymies most highly religious people is this one: Would you still feel this way if you had been born into another family with another religion?"

I was, and I do.

"...they believe what they believe because they were told to believe it."

I have my beliefs because I've seen that they work.

Do you think there is no reason why we are forgetful of God?

The fact that a person is born into a family or society that is ignorant of God is due to the person's past choices. The objection you raise is valid only if you accept the erroneous Biblical idea that life begins at some point in time, such as conception. The Vedic explanation is that life is beginningless. We are eternal spiritual beings in a condition of forgetfulness of God, experiencing countless lifetimes covered by ignorance and illusion until eventually our memory of God will return us to our natural life in His pastimes.

The fact that someone is born on a small island with no sacred scriptures or bona fide religious tradition is of no consequence. It was his own conduct from a previous birth that brought him to that situation, and according to his choices he will be born to a different situation later. If he acts piously, his situation will improve. Eventually by Krishna's mercy he will encounter His devotees, who will awaken his memory that Krishna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, inspire him with their love of God, and naturally give him faith to engage in devotional service.

There is nothing unfair in any of this.

[ExministerBrian]

While reading Valerie’s fine post, I was thinking about the suspense posed by a question in the movie, The General’s Daughter. The question asked was, “What is worse than rape?”. I didn’t figure it out because I had never been raped before. The answer is betrayal from someone that was supposed to love you!

I am one of those people that Valerie writes about in the article. When I left the ministry 8 years ago, I had no idea that it would include estrangement from my family. I never expected to get cussed out by my Christian father, or to not be notified when a loved one dies out of spite (I moved far away). People can be very cold!

Eight years ago, I couldn’t find a psychologist who understood these things. I had to find my own way. Today, people ask me to help them because they have similar circumstances. Religion divides people, Jesus himself asserted his in the introductory verses.

I applaud the Huffington Post for bringing this “taboo” subject to the public. Rational people see through the façade of the love of Christ. We only have one life to live, we have a choice to either be genuinely ourselves or to follow some religious guru and live like they tell us to live. Some people never realize the steep price that is paid for the faith life. To bad that the church feels the need to act as a psychological mafia in order to keep people in the family! Life is better on the outside!

[Pandu]

Is Ms. Tarico assuming there is actually no God? It seems so. To those who believe there is no God, religion seems like a mental illness.

Atheists, however, have no answers to the important questions of life, such as how life began or where we came from, why we are here, or what happens after death. Not knowing answers to these kinds of questions cause people to waste their lives in the hopeless pursuit of material enjoyment.

I cannot say much favorable about the religions of meat-eaters. They say "God is great," and that's something, but not much. Ahimsa, non-harming, is the first sub-religious principle, and God cannot be approached without it. The Vedas say the meat-eaters' scriptures, including the Bible, the Koran, and whatever else, are temporary, illogical, and put doubt about God into the minds of otherwise intelligent people. They say animal-killers, which includes everyone from the farmer who sells animals for slaughter to the one who finally eats the meat, cannot know God. No wonder atheism is so rampant.

[FlyingDutchman]

Horse pucky! We atheists may not have the answers to all questions of existence, but then neither do you. You believe you do, but do you really?

[Pandu]

Yes, most certainly; though I don't consider them 'mine." They just are.

[DocManhattan]

And people like you, Pandu, seem to think there are no questions left, when in fact there are endless, unanswered questions about what is really going on in the universe. You are content with myth, and that's fine for you. Some of us -- I am an agnostic -- believe that scepticism and investigation are humanity's obligation. If 'God' had meant us not to question, he wouldn't have given us a brain.

Your assertion that atheism leads to lives wasted in the pursuit of "material enjoyment" is garbage. I am married to an atheist -- her position on this issue is more extreme than mine, but she is no shallow materialist. Nor are many of the atheist scientists I know.

[Pandu]

There are certainly questions, but there also answers. One just needs to where to look and how to look. You may call God, Krishna, a myth, but He is absolutely real. I know this based on 1: my own direct personal experience with Him; 2: the Vedic scriptures; 3; my guru's teachings; and 4: the faith of His many devotees. On what basis to you say He is myth?

You are fine to use your brain to question, but you should also consider what are the limits to the brain's ability? Do you think your brain is sufficient to understand God without first surrendering to Him?

[derik]

All my life I have been a secular humanist that never felt the need to voice or state my secular humanist self. It just did not matter. My life compass just worked. A few years ago, my spouse got breast cancer and went from a moderate christian to a fundamental evangelical whatnot who talks to god. In a purely react mode, I actively voiced and state my secular humanist self to the family and anyone at large. In one magical moment, I became satan, antichrist and whatnot. Obviously; since magic does not happen, the family was invaded by the god of myths. Over time, I began to poke around into stuff from the Greeks through today along with studying molecular biology and chemistry, evolution and just about everything else. In effect, I learned so much stuff. I like to think I became a polyglot whatnot. The joy I derived was quite nice. Obviously, the kids are somewhat confused, but I believe their life compass is intact even though they tend to be swayed by the mom (it seems moms tend to sway things in the soft parts of life). The family itself will probably persist even though it may not be as idealistic as it was. After all, it is not like there are missiles flying around all the time, just some of the time. So, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have acquired and grown with my new poly knowledge, after 50+ years of my life. So, life is nice, at least for now.

[Ajita]

Thank you for writing this post. I grew up in a religious family and even today find it uncomfortable when I'm around my family members and the topic of religion comes up. Luckily, my parents are pretty liberal and accept me just fine.
I believe that there needs to be support systems that provide a sense of community to free-thinkers who decide to come out. I have written at http://culturalnaturalism.blogspot.com/ where I promote naturalistic moral philosophy as an alternative to religion. This is an issue that I feel very passionately about, and it should receive more attention considering we are about 15% of the population.

[Pandu]

Ajita,

I think you probably missed my response to you here:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-clothier/are-we-the-greatest_b_91163.html
Did I say I represent "Hindus or people of East Indian ancestry in general?" I did not, nor have I ever.

Although you call me "the most ethnocentric person here," you probably cannot even guess my ethnic ancestry, not that it matters. I have never considered myself a Hindu.

I do not consider the Vedas to be Hindu or Indian scriptures, nor do I take Krishna as a "Hindu God," any more than I consider the Sun to be from the East although it rises from that direction.

[PaulAbrams]

Evangelicalism is just like any other -ism, where the cult gains control over the mind. Conway & Spiegelman described the phenomenon of "Snapping", where people (often professionals) undergo an acute emotional re-attachment and learn mechanisms to combat outsiders that attempt to get through to them. Michael's parents' rejection demonstrates just how powerful brainwashing can be, overcoming the natural parental instincts. It ia almost like the mother bird that will no longer recognize its offspring if the latter are touched by human hands, thereby acquiring a different scent.

I once "deprogrammed" someone out of a cult. To do so, I had the learn the cult's central teachings. They were so absurd that they were non-threatening to anyone who is still thinking at all. But, very young children, or adults experiencing significant emotional events, are highly susceptible because there is both the relief of anxiety and the feeling of exhiliration that reinforces the new connections---that they then hold onto those connections for dear life. Contrary information is threatening, to be avoided at all costs.

[jeskiley]

I hate to argue with psychologists, I get nervous just being here, but... Having been evicted from my own family, due to not sharing core beliefs with core members, I recognize the power struggles involved. It's easy to say religion is the cause, or the motivator, or the...okay, I'm tripping over my insecurities. But there is no solution at the end of such finger pointing. And it's the cure you're looking for right, not just a continued client-base, 'cause that would be unethical...great, I've overstepped my bounds.

Let's just put it this way, if God challenges you by being thrown out of your tribe, for any reason whatsoever. It is a challenge of power.

Better yet, it is a dare to self-actualize, to quote someone special.

You're saying that the psychological community doesn't recognize religion for the threat that it is, doesn't support your thesis that cultic affiliations can, through moral righteousness, cut a person's insides out and leave quite a bloody trail.

But the truth of the matter is that while cults can intimidate, and threaten a person's core self...if one finds oneself in such a power struggle, it is more than a blessing, it's a savagely disguised gift to grow beyond the tribal mind, into a fully-integrated human being...who can forgive.

Somewhat like ol' God himself. (Cough) or herself, pardon.