I’m that guy who doesn’t mind flying. Not just being up in the air, but the whole process. I don’t mind airports. I don’t get angry with the TSA; I don’t snarl back at the surly ground crew. By and large, I accept the indignities with a smile and good grace. The world doesn’t need more bitching about the inevitable, unfixable shitshow that is modern air travel.
It’s partly my nature to not moan, but I’ve also learned how to hack flights to my liking. For starters, always spring for Economy Plus. Yes, it’s an act of consumer fuckery that airlines have successfully placed a premium on two more inches of legroom in the front of the cabin. But that’s the new reality. You’re welcome to sit in the back of the plane, choking on bathroom fumes and fighting for overhead space. Those of us in the first few rows enjoy a more civilized flight.
Second, for the love of all that’s holy in the skies, check your goddamn luggage. Checked-bag fees are another new reality not worth bitching about. Unless you’re a single person traveling with a small weekender, just pony up and sit down with fewer hassles. Okay, you don’t want to wait at baggage claim — I get that. But jesus, stop being such a crybaby about it. Just pay the fee and move on. Or, get an airline-backed credit card and watch those fees magically disappear.
Finally, medicate yourself. My formula for happiness is 5 mg. of hydrocodone plus two mini-bottles of red. Even on long-haul flights, crammed into a chair designed to cause blood clots, it will never let me down.
That is, as long as Zodiac Seats France doesn’t make good on its threat to introduce “Economy Class Cabin Hexagon” seating:
According to the provisional patent, this configuration seeks to “increase cabin density while also creating seat units that increase the space available at the shoulder and arm area by creating an overlap in the shoulder areas of adjacent seats.”
In other words, Zodiac wants to sit passengers in a mile-high version of sleeping head-to-foot. For those of us who enthusiastically refuse to chit-chat with fellow passengers, the Hexagon is a game-changing hell.
What about seat-back trays and in-flight entertainment? Zodiac has thought of this, sort of. From their patent application:
“In some embodiments, the at least one forward-facing seat and the at least one aft-facing seat each comprise a seat back comprising a receptacle for removably mounting a tray table. The at least one forward-facing seat and the at least one aft-facing seat may each comprise a seat back comprising a receptacle for removably mounting a personal electronic device.”
(Huh?)
As Wired noted, this groundbreaking new seating technology is but a patented pipedream. To reach market, the configuration “would have to pass a battery of tests, including passengers’ ability to quickly evacuate, and the seats’ capacity to withstand 16g forces in the event of a crash.”
Let’s hope the Hexagon fails those tests.
-- Jeff Koyen