My favorite clarification of the word Diva, taken somewhere off the web:
Nilsson was a diva in the best sense of the word, a true professional who expected the same degree of perfection from others that she demanded of herself.
I am an opera singer. I am in an interesting phase of my career right now, firmly located somewhere between stardom and unemployment. I'm what people in the industry refer to as an "emerging artist."
I have been incredibly lucky in my career thus far - I made my professional debut at the Metropolitan Opera in NYC, and have been blessed with their continuing friendship. I have performed with Placido Domingo. I have sung a leading role at New York City Opera, namely Carmen, which I am singing more and more. I am returning to my second season at Sarasota Opera, a company which I love, singing a role I have longed to sing since I knew about it, Dorabella (I love Mozart). I have been supporting myself full-time as a singer for around 3 years now, not a small feat in this business. I haven't done (hardly) any temp work in those years, and while there are times when patrons pick up the tab, I'm still singing. But being new in this business, the time between gigs can still be measured in months, not days or weeks.
But what does it mean to be a singer when you are in-between gigs? When singing is the thing you love to do more than anything, and you would do it for free if you could afford to? Is it still your job? Are you on vacation? When people ask "where are you singing now?" do you say, "All over - the living room, the kitchen, the shower from time to time..."?
I had a conversation with my fiance yesterday about the separation between work and play. I was lamenting to him that at the end of a long day of doing "nothing", I still felt like doing nothing, and this concerned me, as I don't want to be a lazy person.
So he said, "Well, when you say you did "nothing", what do you mean? Like, what did you do all day?"
And enumerating the list of the Nothing that I did all day, it went like this: "Yoga, went for a walk, went to the Post Office, went to the grocery store, translated the first act of Cosi Fan Tutte, memorized the first block of recitatives of the same opera, practiced for about 3 hours, learned 4 new songs for the recital I have coming up, had a phone call to Peru to discuss the program for the concert there next month, did my physical therapy exercises, read three chapters of a book on Mozart, studied Latin, practiced some more, specifically insert-name-of-mad-Rossini-aria-here, called my managers to ask about auditions (again), made dinner, sewed a new shawl to match my concert gown, and did the laundry. And now I just don't feel like doing the dishes, and I don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I so lazy?????"
I think it was the hearing it out loud part that really brought it home.
The problem, you see, is this: when not actually in rehearsals for a show, I spend most of the day working on being better at my job, my ultimate and completely unrealistic goal being perfection. For me, this means improving my mind, improving my body, and improving my voice. It requires maintaining and fine tuning my technique, and finding creative ways to make the tiny muscles in my throat make the passionate, delicate, and elegant sounds I want them to. It means a LOT of thinking - learning music, working in different languages, trying to interpret and understand what composers and poets were really trying to say through the little dots on the page, and if you SHOULD have a moment of inspiration and "get it", figuring out how to make your body make the sounds that will also make your audience "get it". It's really hard, actually, and requires an enormous amount of daily work.
That's right - WORK. "What did you do today?" "I WORKED!! ALL DAY!!" And it turns out, much to my chagrin, that I work all day, every day.
But being very demanding of myself, demanding perfection, which will never, ever be fully realized, I don't feel like I accomplished my goal at the end of a long day of work.
And without the material PROOF that I worked, like a paycheck, or a scene finally staged, or the curtain falling to wild applause, I'm not entirely sure that it happened at all. I'm a Humanist. I need proof.
At the end of a day without that proof, it feels selfish. I feel as though I spent the whole day working on self-improvement, MEE MEEE MEEEEEEEE, and yet, I'm still not perfect, and I didn't contribute anything meaningful to the world at large.
Logically, I know this is not true. I know the value of art. I know the difference art has made in my life and makes in the lives of others. I know MY value to the world of art, and I know that to do the job I do, it takes work, and takes precisely the kind of work I do all day. Music is everywhere, all the time - look at the proliferation of personal music storage devices - without it, our world would be a very empty place indeed. And OPERA is that rarest of arts - not just anyone can climb up on-stage and call themselves an opera singer (and be taken seriously). Having a voice that can make that kind of sound is a rare gift, and comes with a responsibility.
But being the kind of person I am, I feel as though I should be doing more - I feel like I should be feeding starving orphans in Africa with one hand while digging irrigation systems for their communities with the other, while speaking on a headset to my representatives in Washington, berating them for not doing more for American school-children and that they should be ashamed that our federal government doesn't think providing healthcare for every American child should be a priority. Oh, and something about the impending global disaster of climate change.
And so, being totally overwhelmed by these thoughts, and unable to muster the mental energy required to study for the rest of the night, after finally realizing that I studied all day, I instead go and covet my latest obsession on www.colorwarepc.com. In case anyone is interested, I would like a fully souped-up MacBook Pro in cotton-candy, and my birthday is in April.
I'm a perfectionist - not a saint.
But if you would rather donate that money to STAND (a student anti-genocide coalition) on behalf of women in Darfur (http://www.standnow.org/darfurfast/civilianProtection), you might help ease my conscience. Just think, when I get on-stage and sing the greatest Carmen EVER (yes, EVER), you will know that you helped make it possible by letting me know in a material way that I really do make a difference.
PEACE.