THE BLOG
02/05/2014 06:50 pm ET | Updated Apr 07, 2014

The Psychology of Attraction

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If you want to know the psychology of attraction, you have to understand what makes people tick.

In fact, the psychology of attraction is based on one simple rule. We are attracted to people who turn us on. I don't just mean physically, I mean emotionally turn us on. Leading psychologist John Dewey discovered one of the most fundamental aspects of people. He found that there is one thing that every person on this earth wants:

To feel important.

Deep down, everyone on this earth just wants to feel appreciated.

Once someone has the basics of food and shelter, all they want is to feel cherished, valued and worthy. And this helps us know what people find attractive. We turn people on when we fulfill their desire to be important.

Here's the psychology behind it: If you can make someone feel important by valuing their opinions, time or feelings, YOU will be attractive to them.

I challenge you to try something. Next time you are at an event or out with a friend approach all conversations with one goal: Make whoever you are speaking with feel valued. Try this...

How to be attractive verbally:

1. Ask questions about what they find important

2. Push their ideas a step further. Ask why and how more than what and when.

3. Commit to total engagement. I'm totally calling you out on your fake trip to the bathroom, pretending to check your very important email or looking over their head as you talk to them to see who might be more interesting. Stop it! I promise, engaging will make you both interested and interesting (See more of my promises below).

You can also be attractive nonverbally. Studies show that the majority of our communication is actually nonverbal. On the conservative side, studies have found a minimum of 60% (which is still A LOT!) and that goes up to 93%.

How to be attractive nonverbally:

1. Keep your toes pointed towards the person speaking. I know this seems silly but our brains pick up on people's foot direction and use it to gauge interest. As you are listening to someone, you can make them feel valued by keeping your toes and torso pointed at them as they speak. It's kind of like nonverbally telling them, "I'm with you! I hear you! Keep going!" And that is the best compliment you can give someone.

2. Use a triple nod. Studies have shown that people will speak 3 to 4 times longer if you do three slow nods in a row when they have finished speaking. It's like a nonverbal "... " So, when someone finishes their statement, look them in the eye and nod three times as if to say, "keep going." They often will continue and you end up having a much deeper conversation. (And if they don't it's no big deal, just take a sip of your drink and ask your next question).

If you try even one of these techniques, all with the goal of making others feel important, here's what I can promise:

  • You will be amazed at how much more interesting your conversations will be.
  • Even though this approach is all about valuing others, the awesome side effect is that people will remember YOU.
  • People will surprise you. When we really care and ask the right questions, it is crazy what people will tell you.

The best part is, this is the LEAST gimmicky way to interact. Instead of one liners or memorized conversation starters, this approach is about integrity. What better way to be attractive?

If you feel comfortable, share your experience trying this below. I want to hear your story.