In my daily perusing of the internet, I tend to come across some pretty funny things. Usually things inspire me to post a quick line or a link, but every now and then, I come across a gem that acts as the Tilda Swinton to my Viktor and Rolf, a story so great, so viral, so utterly desperate to be shared that I can't help but devote approximately 500 words and 25 whole minutes to parsing its every detail.
The other day, my friends, I found (via Tumblr), the "Marital Rating Scale-Wife's Chart." It is, according to last week's Monitor on Psychology, "a test developed in the late 1930s by George W. Crane, MD, PhD, (1901-95) of Northwestern University...designed to give couples feedback on their marriages." The test ranks wives in a variety of areas, from her love of children (5 points) to how crooked or straight the seams in her "hose" run. (But, for shame, what if said wife pulls a Julia Roberts and, well, isn't "wearin' any panty hose"? What then?!)
And before you write this off as "humorous and obviously dated," there is, according to Crane, some scientific data to back it up, with just a teensy bit of bias sprinkled on top:
His method was to interview 600 husbands on their wives' positive and negative qualities. Then he listed the 50 demerits and merits that arose most frequently. Crane, did admit to using a personal bias in weighting the items that he thought were most important in marriage.
All this in mind, and my curiosity thoroughly piqued, I had no choice but to take this test. The only problem? All that's posted is the first page. I quickly refreshed my Grade 9 algebra and figured that if there were actually a total of 50 merits and demerits, and I had 12, that meant I had 24% of the test. So -- to calculate my score, I divided all the "Raw Scores" by 24% to determine what my rating would be. Cheers to the Scientific Method! (And thanks, Mr. Hemming. I'll never forget you, or how to solve for X.)
Let's get the bad news out of the way first. The Demerits:
I'm slow in coming to bed (I've got Gossip Girl to watch!), I don't like children, and I have never sewn a button or darned a sock. I don't really cook so my aprons aren't soiled, but I do wear red nail polish (and am doing so as we speak!). I'm often late, but I don't wear any hose in which to have the aforementioned crooked seams, nor do I use curlers or face creams - let alone to bed. My feet are eternally frozen, but I take turns between warming them on my boyfriend and my dog, and neither of us have a car (it's Manhattan) from which I can backseat drive. I flirt incessantly with other men, but I'm never suspicious or jealous.
Total Demerits: 18.5
Next we have...(drumroll, please!)...The Merits:
I never actually have parties at which to be a hostess, but I'll happily offer even the homeless man down the street a beer. I'm a stickler about eating on time -- but that only means when I'm hungry. I rarely cook. I'm pretty much a genius, so I'd rate my conversation skills an A, but the farthest I got at piano was chopsticks. I don't eat, make, or dress for breakfast, and I pay a Nicaraguan woman named Norma $100 to make sure my apartment appears spotless. I have no children, and when I do, I'll probably hire someone to put them to bed, but I don't believe in going to bed angry -- why waste a perfectly good opportunity for make-up sex? As for asking my boyfriend's opinion - if he's gonna pay, he can have a say. Otherwise: zip it! I have a fantastic sense of humor (can't you tell?!), though my spirituality is undoubtedly questionable. And when it comes to letting the man o' the house sleep in - of course I do! Then again, I'm rarely up before noon.
Total Merits: 9.5
Well, how do I add up? The instructions say to subtract the Demerit score from the Merit score, so...carry the one...and...it looks like I've got an astounding -9 points! That places me somewhere in the bottom of "Very Poor (Failures)". Whee!
Also, now that I think about it, I'm not even married! I'm brazenly living in sin! Slutting it up like a modern day Whore of Babylon.
But then again, I earn my own keep and give fantastic massages. I can make a mean bolognese if I have to, and am utterly content should my "hubby" choose to have a beer (or ten) out with the boys. I'm a regular sight for sore eyes, I know how to make a man laugh, and here's to hopin' that I've never made a man cry. I'm a supportive, independent, and fiercely positive person. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm smart as hell!
And if that makes me wrong, then I don't want to be right. After all, we've got one in three American mommies ordering dessert off the dinner menu. I'd say we've got some bigger fish to fry than some measly nylon stockings. (But while we're on the topic, Dr. Crane, how many demerits is adultery? Because I'm a regular monogamous Virgin Mary!)
So, my friends, now it's your turn. How did you score? What do you think of the test? Do you think that some scientist out there is working on a modern-day version? How high do you think a Brazillian wax (and ass) would (or should) rate? Let's discuss this below.
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A couple of Merits:
Helps wife with dishes, caring for children.
Often tells wife he loves her.
A couple of Demerits:
Stares or flirts with other women.
Belittles wife's opinions, her judgement or ability.
Who wants a wife who is unkempt and selfish? Who wants a husband who is irresponsible and a cheater? I think this test serves as a good guideline for a wife and husband (with or without children).
We met in middle age.
We've been married almost 25 years.
We often feel like two halves of the same person.
We make Eternal Love like twentysomethings.
And she always knows where my glasses are.
I win!
I found this beautiful vid. Look at it you'll weep, and you'll know there's hope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSkQpVoVF3E
and average the scores.
To substitute for 'straightening lines in hose', perhaps this:
willing to have botox & risk mask-like plastic face for beauty &/OR
breast implants for pre-requisite ample bosom.
You sound like fun.
Donna Reed's a drag when you really want to get freaky.
I don't suppose they thought it important to provide a rating guide for husbands.
I guess I'll give it a shot - see how "pro" does in comparison
to my wife's well reasoned placement of me on the short bus.
What, nothing about putting up with the mother-in-law?
The question of whether or not it's reasonable or absurd depends on whether you believe that women today are somehow free from the influence of a hyper sexualized misogynistic culture.
I am married, my wife and I are expecting are first child... I love my family very very much...
so I have to confess I was relived to find out we were having a boy... I would have been just as happy if we were having a girl and perhaps when we have a girl but... It is really hard to wrap my mind around how much a young women has to discern during the course of her first 20 years of life in order to realize
what could be her authentic self... very daunting task if you ask me.
Not to imply that she wouldn't make a great president, but Hillary Clinton could spend the rest of her life making documentaries on the subject... because for a soon to be parent that to is a very inconvenient truth.
Here's how I rate:
I always pass out before my husband at night. (good?)
I love my kid but "like" everyone else's much less now that I am a parent. (bad?)
Thanks to the Bush years I now darn socks. Always did sew on buttons. (good?)
My frump uniform is jeans and t-shirts. But they are more form fitting than housedresses and my husband does not complain. (bad?/good?)
My feet are warm only between June and August. My husband has to suck it up. (bad)
Nix on curlers and cold cream...except for invisible moisturizer. (good)
My nails generally look too bad for polish. (good? no, bad?)
Front seat driver. (meaning I often drive)
Good cook.
Indifferent housekeeper.
Uninvited guests will be ignored. (I'll pretend I'm not home) Invited guests will be treated to informal hospitality for short periods of time.
Dinner's always on time because I get hungry, have a hungry kid and want to relax while my husband has "daddy and me" with my daughter afterwards.
Not religious myself and intend to keep my kid away from it until she develops 'critical thinking skills".
I'll have to show this to my husband later. He never realized he had such a crap wife. A shame we're so happy, isn't it?
But there's tons of quizzes related to rating your husband/boyfriend/relationship in women's magazines and websites. Many based on similarly ludicrous stereotypes.
What makes this different? Hmmm? Hmmm?
I hope I am a good wife, though. That scale, you gotta be kidding me, and yes I do find it humorous and dated. I also find it sexist and anti-athiest and ridiculous and..... I could go on.
You can't be serious.