The Rapture: You've Been Left Behind - Now What?

So, I feel like I'm kind of late on this, but that's not something I can really help - this column is every Wednesday, and I came across this little nugget of Inner Life Fodder on Thursday. So, here I am, a week late, but apparently only a day later than ABC News. Basically, some asshole/genius has decided to launch a little service where in the days after the Rapture those who've been whisked off to heaven are given one last chance to convert (read: gloat over) their loved ones.

For those of you who, like me, are utterly perplexed at that last sentence (and not just for grammatical reasons), the Rapture is this Evangelical Christian belief (theory?) that at some point Jesus is going to come down to earth and raise up all the "true" Christians and it basically kinda sucks to be the "untrue" Christians left down on terra firma, because the anti-Christ is more or less going to be running the show. (Wait, hasn't that been happening for the last 7.5 years? Ooh, snap!)

So, this website -- run for Christians, by Christians (is FCBC the new FUBU?) -- purports to electronically save your last words to those who have been left behind (because you just can never know when Jesus is going to come down and save you) and release them 6 days after the Rapture. (Did I mention that the site can be found at You'veBeenLeftBehind.com? Clever.)

According to the "Why?" section of their site:

We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.

The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time...

"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!

When I first heard about this scheme, my first thought was "WTF?" My second thought was, "How much are they charging?" And my third thought was, "Who's gonna send out the emails?"

Well, they're charging $40 for the first year (in which you store your stuff), but don't worry because "annual re-subscription fees will drop proportionately to the number of subscribers." Ah, see, so the more you convert, the better it is for you! They've thought of everything. Literally. The site isn't just for you to store your last missives, but also your financial information, because, you know, it's gonna be really confusing for your loved ones to find your bank account info in the days after the coming of the Lord.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how this darn service is even going to work (since it's run by Christians and all) - they've got a fail-safe trigger figured out. See, if three of the five employees fail to log on to the site after six days, the emails and info will be automatically sent out. Huh.

I'm going to go ahead and ignore the fact that this man is guaranteeing the functionality of the Internet during a time of such "devastation" because, as Captain Obvious -- aka Randy Maddox, Theology Prof at Duke -- so eloquently states: "There are logical incongruities with the model." But I'm not sure what to make of the fact that out of his five employees, he can only guarantee that three of them are true Christians. So, what, the others are a little iffy? That doesn't sound too faithful -- or particularly Christian, for that matter -- to me.

Then again, this is a 49-year-old grocery store shelf-stocker who came up with the idea when he wondered how he was going to give his wife his E-Trade password once he'd been lifted up on high. The guy doesn't even think his wife is a true Christian; he can't help but be skeptical.

Well, then, neither can I.

[Update: Damnit! Jezebel totes already covered this and in a letter. Genius!]

Comments

[mascarah]

I'm confused, is this like Evangelism 2.0??

[biged242]

My fave take on this:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2006/06/09/notes060906.DTL&hw=morford&sn=187&sc=707

[GalaxieGal]

Hello! This is pre rapture thinking people.

The rapture already took place. Wasn't it scheduled for 06-06-06? Why they decided on that date, I don't know.

The problem is, there weren't any true christians, no one was taken up, so it didn't get much press.

[GalaxieGal]

Oh, I forgot to add.

I was really bummed that no one was raptured up. I was hoping to be able to take one of the cars just sitting in the street running with no one inside. I also had my eye on some belongings of the self proclaimed "christians" in my neighborhood.

[derik]

Hmm, I know I "was" left behind when think of my days when I was an engineer working with the technologies from which the internet became the Internet for all of us. Wow, what a strange trip this has been been for me since the 70's. From a purely technology standpoint, this ubinleftbehind gig will hopefully ensure that all this stuff they leave behind is well protected from us engineers who know how things work. Now, after poking around it does seem that the website does not seem to encrypt "customer login" username and password. hmm, methinks us engineers could maybe tap into such security holes and "grab" those precious "leftbehind" goodies. Then once all this rapture happens, we can then redistribute the wealth left behind and create a utopian heaven for all of us. After all, it would be deja vu if all of a sudden a faction of the really been left behind crowd breaks aways and recreates a new god with a new rapture part II. Anyhow, back to technology ... I do hope those left behind email addresses are valid if not such goodies would be permanently "unclaimed" and revert back to the state coffers. ahh, how cool it is to be a secular humanist these days.

[JimReed]

So would you say the rapture movement is benefiting from internet "push" technology?

[derik]

I believe the rapture people do not really have any reason to benefit from anything (technology or otherwise), if they are truly raptured and lack basic ability to diferentiate magic from nature. It does get complex when one combines a rapture type with those prosperity gospel types. It does seem strange that their desire to "persist" after death (and have emails come out with messages) is surreal. Now, from a technology standpoint, it would be somewhat interesting to move the websites server clocks forward and simulate the rapture of the rapturites. Then all hell, so to speak, breaks loose. It would surely be a mess. Engineeringwise, moving clocks is a no brainer. In good faith, my spouse unit is a rapturite while I am a secular humanist. It would surely be surreal to get an email from her nagging me for being a secular humanist and then see her walk in the door. Then again, it may heal our spiritual separation and fall in love again as secular humanists of the past. Ahh, my marriage could surely change for better or worse, who knows.

[cwfutureboy]

as long as he doesn't die first, we can all ask Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, James Dobson, Dubya, and Ann Coulter et al. what to do once all the "good" christians have passed from this earth.

[rabb046]

If you are serious about your spiritual "journey"...

http://www.askrealjesus.com/D_NEWVISITOR/AANewvisitorMAIN.html

You're welcome.

[stevesrant]

Hey dudes, we're like in RAPTURE up here! P&L, [e-mail]

[supergranny]

God, $40 sounds awful cheap to be rescued from the lake of fire of eternal damnation. Is this a tax deductible donation or a non-profit outfit? Fear sells.

[MalloMel]

Religion is in our genes, so it'll be with us for a very long time. I guess the people who didn't go along with the religious thing were killed (look at history), and therefore could not as readily pass their genes along. That's still going on in parts of the world today.

So, if you're looking for God, look in your genes. That's where you'll find it.

[shusnacks]

I like to call the Rapture "The Great Culling".

[smilodon1]

The "Rapture" will remove all those phony, right-wing, wackos and leave the world to us normal people. Visualize a world without republicanderthals.

[samguy]

funny how many people beat me to the punch on this one. 2 bad i'm in l.a. though. it'll probably still be crowded.

[Rockwell]

The "Rapture" is a phony invention with no Biblical basis. An evangelist in the early 1800's invented it as a way to attract converts. The Book of Revelation has some scary visions of "tribulation" on earth prior to the second coming of Christ so this guy invented the Rapture as a get-out-of-jail free scenario that is very appealing to some folks.

[LorettaSingbiel]

If ALL the neocons suddenly dissappeared, I would have thought I had died and gone to heaven!

Stay safe, healthy and happy,
Love, Loretta

[claytongrayum]

:)

[LorettaSingbiel]

"the Rapture is this Evangelical Christian belief (theory?) that at some point Jesus is going to come down to earth and raise up all the "true" Christians and it basically kinda sucks to be the "untrue" Christians left down on terra firma, because the anti-Christ is more or less going to be running the show. (Wait, hasn't that been happening for the last 7.5 years? Ooh, snap!)"

And when the Rapture removes the "true" Christians, those of us "left behind" can FINALLY have some PEACE ON EARTH! So...BRING IT ON!!! I'll throw them a going away party!

Stay safe, healthy and happy,
Love, Loretta

[toomuchtolose]

The problem is that the Rapture can't come until there is a war involving Israel
and a certain number of Jews will be allowed to convert and be "saved." So,
the "charitable" Christians want a war to happen in their lifetime (OUR lifetime too)
and they believe that Jesus will overlook the fact that they brought about a war to
force Jesus to bring on the Rapture and take them to Heaven. The rest of us will
be dead or dying of probably a nuclear war. That's why so many of them want
a confrontation between Israel and Iran or Iraq or any other country... because
they believe WAR will make Jesus reward them in the Rapture. It's nutty, but
it's scary too. If it doesn't happen in THEIR lifetime, they will miss out on being
raptured up to Jesus, and it can't happen unless Israel gets into a war. They
want that. It matters not at all what happens to the rest of the planet and all
living creatures.