So, I feel like I'm kind of late on this, but that's not something I can really help - this column is every Wednesday, and I came across this little nugget of Inner Life Fodder on Thursday. So, here I am, a week late, but apparently only a day later than ABC News. Basically, some asshole/genius has decided to launch a little service where in the days after the Rapture those who've been whisked off to heaven are given one last chance to convert (read: gloat over) their loved ones.
For those of you who, like me, are utterly perplexed at that last sentence (and not just for grammatical reasons), the Rapture is this Evangelical Christian belief (theory?) that at some point Jesus is going to come down to earth and raise up all the "true" Christians and it basically kinda sucks to be the "untrue" Christians left down on terra firma, because the anti-Christ is more or less going to be running the show. (Wait, hasn't that been happening for the last 7.5 years? Ooh, snap!)
So, this website -- run for Christians, by Christians (is FCBC the new FUBU?) -- purports to electronically save your last words to those who have been left behind (because you just can never know when Jesus is going to come down and save you) and release them 6 days after the Rapture. (Did I mention that the site can be found at You'veBeenLeftBehind.com? Clever.)
According to the "Why?" section of their site:
We all have family and friends who have failed to receive the Good News of the Gospel.
The unsaved will be 'left behind' on earth to go through the "tribulation period" after the "Rapture". You remember how, for a short time, after (9/11/01) people were open to spiritual things and answers. (We are still singing "God Bless America" at baseballs' seventh inning stretch.) Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it. There will be a small window of time where they might be reached for the Kingdom of God. We have made it possible for you to send them a letter of love and a plea to receive Christ one last time...
"WHY" is one last chance to bring them to Christ and snatch them from the flames!
When I first heard about this scheme, my first thought was "WTF?" My second thought was, "How much are they charging?" And my third thought was, "Who's gonna send out the emails?"
Well, they're charging $40 for the first year (in which you store your stuff), but don't worry because "annual re-subscription fees will drop proportionately to the number of subscribers." Ah, see, so the more you convert, the better it is for you! They've thought of everything. Literally. The site isn't just for you to store your last missives, but also your financial information, because, you know, it's gonna be really confusing for your loved ones to find your bank account info in the days after the coming of the Lord.
Oh, and in case you're wondering how this darn service is even going to work (since it's run by Christians and all) - they've got a fail-safe trigger figured out. See, if three of the five employees fail to log on to the site after six days, the emails and info will be automatically sent out. Huh.
I'm going to go ahead and ignore the fact that this man is guaranteeing the functionality of the Internet during a time of such "devastation" because, as Captain Obvious -- aka Randy Maddox, Theology Prof at Duke -- so eloquently states: "There are logical incongruities with the model." But I'm not sure what to make of the fact that out of his five employees, he can only guarantee that three of them are true Christians. So, what, the others are a little iffy? That doesn't sound too faithful -- or particularly Christian, for that matter -- to me.
Then again, this is a 49-year-old grocery store shelf-stocker who came up with the idea when he wondered how he was going to give his wife his E-Trade password once he'd been lifted up on high. The guy doesn't even think his wife is a true Christian; he can't help but be skeptical.
Well, then, neither can I.
[Update: Damnit! Jezebel totes already covered this and in a letter. Genius!]