Why Women Gladly Date Ugly Men (And Probably Even Prefer Them)

It's a pretty well known fact that most women - attractive women - will happily date ugly men. We see it on TV -- in shows like King of Queens, though I would probably argue that Kevin James is kind of a stud, and really, that's exactly the point I plan on making-- and we see it in our friends.

There are plenty of studies on this strangely anti-Darwinian phenomenon - studies which I think don't answer the question as well as I, with my oh-so-steadfast opinions, can, do, and will.

So let's talk about this. Let's talk about what exactly is wrong with these conventionally attractive men, and let's talk about what is right about these, well, conventionally un-attractive men.

Anecdotal evidence aside, I know for a fact that I don't find "hot" men attractive.* Let me clarify - I find them pleasing to the eye, and every so often quite tempting, but I don't find myself actually attracted to them. And here I have to admit that I am undoubtedly judging their books by their covers, but I have yet to find the exception to the rule.

To explain: These high-school hotties are used to having the sort of unadulterated, fawning adoration that the symmetrically blessed always get in high-school, but the problem is that it doesn't do them any good. In fact, it's fair to say that it categorically does them harm.

They're trained from a young age to be (often) unjustifiably self-assured, to eschew personality and affability for cocksure confidence, and to generally treat people like the feudal system is alive and kickin'.

Am I making a sweeping generalization? No doubt. Can the same argument be used against women? Sometimes. But I find that women are much more inclined to date with their emotions - to pick a man that is funny, comforting, kind, and generous - and they'll often pick one or all of those traits over his looks.

I also have a little (and relatively untested) theory. I believe that women tend to come into themselves -- appearance-wise -- much later in school than men. And because of this I think women tend to retain some memory of what it means to be liked (or disliked) for who one is, not how one looks.

The bottom line: Ask any woman who she'd rather have as her boyfriend -- the lovably awkward Albert Brennaman (aka Kevin James -- told you he was the crux of the arugment) from Hitch, or Hugh Grant's wholly irredeemable Daniel Cleaver from Bridget Jones' Diary?

So -- let's start here. Which one would you pick? Did I just set womankind back a generation? Or do you wholly agree? Please share. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Disclaimer: This post should in no way indicate that my boyfriend is ugly and/or unattractive. In fact, I find him rather dashing.]

Comments

[OnTheRim]

Since I was a young man (which I no longer am) I have known that the greatest determinant of the behavior of young men towards women was their reactions; and this is also true for the behavior of women toward men. So the arrogant behavior of either gender is most certainly reinforced by the positive results it gets. To think differently is to deny the most basic tenets of human behavior. If some women prefer ugly men then it is because many other women have rewarded the handsome ones for behaving ugly. I guess the same must be true also for how we get attractive women who behave badly. This analysis, of course, do not cover all cases, but I think it must cover a lot of them.

[DemandBetter]

I think what's SORELY missing from this debate is the fact that men, whether ugly or attractive, are not exactly being displayed like puppies in a window for women to simply "choose". Despite what we see on somewhat absurdist shows like Sex in the City, we live in a culture that discourages women (from an early age) from showing any sort of aggressive, assertive, or overtly flirtatious behavior towards men. It is seen as slutty or trampy or desperate. As a result of this stifling pressure, women rarely get to "choose" men outright, as much as they are forced to choose from the offers they are presented with. Here's where the ugly/attractive issue comes in. From my experience, it is not necessarily "ugly" men that do well, but the BAGs (Below Average Guys). Why? Traditionally attractive men may not want to do the requisite courting that is expected of them, or they may simply be too shy to approach women (yes, they exist). Whereas BAGs tend to be the most aggressive in pursuing women (ask any female friend who's spent time in the "singles scene" who hits on them most). Why? Because they have nothing to lose. Right or wrong, if they were not aggressive, they would simply be ignored. BAGs have an allure because they tend to be persistent, often genuine, and more importantly, they tend to make women feel more secure about themselves. They know they'll always be the more attractive half of the couple.

[mtillery]

I would choose Kevin because he's funny. I love to laugh and if I had to choose, I would pick funny every time. I believe that a funny person is an asset. Women like a good sense of humor and whether a six-pack or a belly is attached. (I dated both by the way.) Women will give the guy a chance just on his sense of humor. The bottom line is make a woman smile and you're in!

[TOOO]

I'm an average looking 49-year-old male, and when I was 19, I attracted a not-too-bad looking woman - who only kept me around for money (I'm not rich, either). When I refused to give her money, she dumped me - *snap!* just like that. No explanations.

I didn't get another girlfriend until I was 35 - plain, stupid, alcoholic, crack-head, but available and willing. It was better than nothing, at the time. Turned out, she was WORSE than nothing, because she cheated on me every chance she could. It took me 5 years to get away from her.

That was nearly ten years ago. I haven't had a girlfriend since. "Hotties" won't give me the time of day, although they all want to be friends. (Which is just as well - they usually turn out to be shallow, anyways.) I even hit it off with a woman on the Internet - until we met in person. Suddenly, she's "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

So, where exactly are all these hot women who want ugly men?

[barriosbabe]

No offense but have you tried A updating your look and B taking weird classes like salsa dancing and flower arrangement? B is such a great way to get to know great people based on who they are (the other gamut from bars to churches is notoriously bad) and let sex and romance come later. And A is really superficial BUT ....... I supervise a lot of "haven't dated in X years" men in my work and the biggest external mistake they make is not updating ....... average looking nice guys that wear outdated aviator glasses or brown corduroys, ugly sneakers, or even just not wearing something really nice. I dated 100's of so called ugly guys in my hey dey because I always look for inner values. But at first it is nice to see a guy who bothers with a little bit of polish coupled with the inner values! My husband for example, he'll wear a nice TB silk shirt, Cole Hahns w/o socks, or update his eyewear - I know, it sounds lame but it does help with first impressions.

[cthomp7280]

I agree. Updating your look can do wonders for anybody. And you should take advantage of those women friends. Not all women are not shallow, but they are perceptive. Try this, drop the glasses for contact lenses (or better frames) if you wear them. Go to a hairstylist...don't just get a haircut. Start watching TV shows that gear towards fashion and presentation. Also invest in a few designer items...I say this because it's amazing how differently you might carry yourself knowing that you have on "top-o-the line" gear.

Women look at 3 or 4 hotpots on a man when they meet: shoes, teeth, hands, and hair. If these places appear to gain much attention from you daily, then your chances increase with a lady.

[mtillery]

TOOO: Examine self. Do you have a good sense of humor? Is your appearance appealing to the opposite sex? Both are important to women. An average guy in a nice suit, with a nice haircut, a funny joke (sense of humor), and light conversation just might get thegirl. I didn't say EVERY girl. You have to know that some women simply will not appreciate you for you. It's cold-blooded, but true. However, there are a lot of women that will appreciate you for you. And that is the beauty of it all. Just go for a drink or a book signing or whatever you like and begin with hello. The description of the two women that you mentioned may have been just two bad experiences. So leave the insults with the last woman. It's time to start anew.

[jubo]

And these women are pretty or ugly?

When love summons, obey...

[sfam]

I don't know that I agree with much in this post, but I've loved reading the comments here. Going through the pages, we get a bevy of opinions on "human nature," along with lots of in-depth personal narratives. All good things that I've truly enjoyed reading!

When you see the cute girl with the ugly guy walking down the street, are you assuming this is way they looked when they first met each other? Weight and baldness for instance, change over time. I tend to think you'll find greater variances in the cuteness quotient with couples that have been together for many years. Why? Because once you've been with someone 5+ years or 10+ years, you rarely are seeing their body first. You "view" of them has long since been internalized, and may not really match their actual looks. People can diverge into ugliness for a variety of reasons while their spouses still find them attractive.

To take another movie example, In the movie "Highlander", Conner MacLeod, an Immortal who is played by the sexy Christopher Lambert, stays with his first wife until she dies of old age. On her deathbead, he still finds her as beautiful as they day they met. Her beauty has been internalized. If you saw this couple walking down the street five years before she died, most would probably say, "Gawd! She must be loaded to keep a guy like that!" Perhaps we're making similar judgments on couples we see in the mall.

[barriosbabe]

Why is the ugly plump guy/successful hottie combo considered okay/cute/interesting but the ugly chunky woman/hot guy combo considered pretty revolting and not-understandable?

[sfam]

I don't know if I follow you - that was not an implication of my comments though. My point was that either combination is more likely to be found in a couple that has been together a longer period of time. In fact my movie example was of a ugly woman/hot guy example.

[Darksider]

On behalf of ugly men everywhere I appreciate this post and wish more women felt this way!

[jedley]

Your thesis definitely holds in my case: I'm 48 years old, thirty pounds overweight, earn less than 30 grand and wear the same nondescript clothes all year round. Yet my wife of the past 8 years, a truly stunning 110-pound beauty, 17 years my junior, who speaks five languages and could have any man she wanted by simply looking in his direction seems to feel for some mysterious reason that SHE's the lucky one.
She says it's about listening, number one (apparently I listen). Next is the ability to surprise and therefore stimulate her (apparently I never do things the same way twice). Last but not least is our shared quest for harmony (

[NicholeWebb]

I've never actually met an ugly man. I love all men, regardless of shape, size, color, etc...

[mystic]

I speak only with the experience of having grown up with an elder sister who had a model's beauty, turning heads wherever she went, and very spoiled and unlikeable in an evil way. She dated many handsome men in her late teens, all eligible and wealthy enough, but she married so ugly and disgusting a man, disliked by many and just as wealthy as the others. To this day I believe she settled for someone so ugly that she just knew he would not stray, and their characters matched as well.
They are still married 40 years later, no children, and still disliked by many.

[hark]

Women and men both long for the hottest, but most of us have enough sense to know we have no chance, and will settle for less, because the alternative is nothing. That's all there is to it.

And there's a little bit of common wisdom here, too. Women know the hottest men aren't faithful no matter how hot they are. Guys get tired of same. They just do. So many women anticipate the agony of betrayal, and settle for less.

It's got nothing to do with seeing the inner self and choosing that over looks. It's just not in us to do that. Nature did not program us for that, sorry to say.

[hark]

This is utter nonsense. Women, just like men, go for the hottest in the room every time.

[SharonWantsToTalk]

Not always so. In early dating years...middle school through a few years past college I would say yes to your statement. But somewhere in that time line we learn about what is truly attractive. Call it maturity or experience or a combo of both, it is what makes one give up the delusion that you have to have a physically beautiful mate to be happy. One piece of advice I have always given my two sons is that someone can be the best looking person until they open their mouth. I encourage them to look beyond physical beauty and watch for "red flags" in a persons personality. Red flags are defined by something they say or do that just doesn't sit right with you the first time you see it. In my personal dating life, three guys of the mix that I would classify as the male model type, aka gorgeous, sucked in bed and seemed all around insecure. I'm sure this may not be typical. It was just my experience. On the other hand the guys I had the most fun with, connected with and had the best sexual experiences with were the regular Joe's. And I am absolutely sure that is why I am attracted to them more than they typical pretty boys.

[SharonWantsToTalk]

Not always so. In early dating years...middle school through a few years past college I would say yes to your statement. But somewhere in that time line we learn about what is truly attractive. Call it maturity or experience or a combo of both, it is what makes one give up the delusion that you have to have a physically beautiful mate to be happy. One piece of advice I have always given my two sons is that someone can be the best looking person until they open their mouth. I encourage them to look beyond physical beauty and watch for "red flags" in a persons personality. Red flags are defined by something they say or do that just doesn't sit right with you the first time you see it. In my personal dating life, the three guys in that mix that I would classify as the male model type, aka gorgeous, sucked in bed and seemed all around insecure. I'm sure this may not be typical. It was just my experience. On the other hand the guys I had the most fun with, connected with and had the best sexual experiences with were the regular Joe's. And I am absolutely sure that is why I am attracted to them now more than they typical pretty boys.

[JonahMatrangaDotCom]

Attraction comes down to Breeders and Leaders. Lots can be said about exceptions and complexities, but really, it's as simple as that.

[moonie]

When I was younger, I also liked the hot bad boys. And you know what? They were annoying! Always so full of themselves and you always had to worry about them cheating on you. So what did I do? Married a chubby, nice, soft guy. I saw a diamond in the rough with him. He got Lasik (horrible glasses!), a new wardrobe (slowly replacing sears with kenneth cole) and cholesterol-worry induced 40 pound weight loss. Plus love had given him confidence, which makes him even more appealing. My whole family is amazed at his transformation. That shy chubby wallflower turns heads when he walks in a room!

[happycat]

I think that the argument cuts both ways. My brother-in law who is an extremely good looking guy surprised everyone when he married a very homely woman. He loves her because of her self-confidence and their shared common interests. Not to sound too mean, but unfortunately, their kids look just like her.

[bujeeboo]

It still boils down to what is attractive to each individual person. I don't think we can lump all men in a group labeled "conventionally unattractive". Some women have no problem dating a man who is overweight but is not attracted to a man with no hair. Or they might be attracted to a short man, but not an obese man.

I am sure it's the same for men. I know a guy who doesn't find petite women attractive no matter how pretty they are.

[Alessan]

Maybe some women choose homely men, as you mentioned, I don't. To answer your question
would I rather have a Kevin from that silly show type or Hugh Grant's charactor or maybe even Hugh Grant, whom I adore in every movie he has made, the answer of course of Hugh Grant. Not only
is he goodlooking, but he is wealthy. I have heard he is well endowed, how true that is I don't
know. No contest.

Men that are not so goodlooking are often attracted to me, since I was a young girl, I have refused
to even dance with them. I gave in married one that wasn't that hot, let's say I might as well have
'waited for the homesome guy I am married to now instead.
'I married o