How To Die Happy

We were given some bad, sad, and shocking news yesterday. It was announced that Ted Kennedy has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Terminal illness, or any announcement of imminent death (though it's still unclear how imminent--if at all--it is for Senator Kennedy), is always a bit of a doozy. Because death is really freaking scary. And I think fear and religion go hand-in-hand.

Religion is often characterized as a sort of metaphysical insurance policy and I don't think that's necessarily wrong. People want to believe in something higher than themselves, they want to take a little bit of the pressure off, take away some of the responsibility of control. That way, you know, if things start to go wrong at least there's someone else to take the fall. A higher power is undeniably comforting.

Christianity (because that's what I'm familiar with) takes it one step further. And that's one thing I've always liked about the Christian God -- he's willing to take you in whenever. He doesn't care if you were a pagan until your deathbed, as long as you really mean it when you decide to join the fold, then you're in. And that's a pretty forgiving open-door policy, especially for a religion so notoriously judgmental.

So, I'm sort of playing Captain Obvious here (OMG, dying people get spiritual?!), but I think this is an interesting topic. If someone spent their lives as an atheist -- someone who believes in the here, the now, and the earth under their feet, isn't it a little absurd (and a little hypocritical?) for them to all of a sudden, at the last possible moment hedge their bets and go the God route? And I get that hedging one's bets is always a smart move, but I am a firm believer in, (if you've got 'em) staying firm in your beliefs.

To me, the deathbed flip-flopper plays directly into the Christian image of the stereotypical heathen (They will repent! They will come unto Him and see the light!), so I like to think that out of sheer stubbornness I'd remain a gentile 'til the end.

And also, while the "say it like you mean it" policy of the Church is pretty forgiving, I'd hope that the Christian God is even more awesome than that. Because despite (and in spite of) the fact that I write these columns occasionally skewering the main tenets of Christianity, I'm still a good person. So I like to think that this God is not suffering from the utterly plebeian fault of vanity, but that he really doesn't care what you believe, as long as you do good things while you believe it. Isn't that really the point? Do unto others? Learn from Jesus? He died for your sins, now don't go effing it up?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can be terminally ill, you can know you are going to die, and you can still handle it with non-religious grace and aplomb. Like, for example, the Last Lecture Guy, also known as Randy Pausch. Here's a shortened version of his video.

And it's definitely worked for him. He passed his 6-month so-called expiration date almost 2 months ago. There is also HuffPost contributor Alice Crisci, who seems downright heroic in her refusal to let a pesky disease like breast cancer get her down.

That, to me, is the way to do it. Step up your game a bit. Do a little more unto others, pull yourself out of the freshly dug grave of self-pity and live your life like it ain't ever gonna end. Though that's easy enough for me to say now - I'm twenty-four and have a (fingers crossed - haven't seen the doc in a while) clean bill of health. But I guess I just wouldn't want to take the easy way out. And I think that last-minute conversions are kinda like COBRA health insurance. You can sign up for it the day you get hit by a bus and are stretchered into Manhattan's most expensive emergency room, and it's still gonna cover you. It's handy, but not necessarily the best policy.

And that raises the question of why it's always "the end is near!" that has to give us humans a kick in the pants. Why does it take a death sentence to have a speech like Randy Pausch. Would we find his speech as powerful if he gave it during a random lecture 15 years ago, as healthy as a horse? And isn't what we take away from Randy's speech the fact that we should be living life like death is always just around the corner? That's the way to invest in soul-insurance -- not signing the enrollment papers while simultaneously knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door.

But it's also more than a little presumptive of me to challenge the beliefs of someone who's, you know, dying, so I'm curious. Have any of you had a near-death experience? Did it change your life? Are any of you dying? Have you found yourself more religious or spiritual? How have those around you handled their death? How would you like to see yourself handling yours? Ready, set, discuss!

[Author's Note: This is by no means a condemnation of those out there whose announcement of death would have them turn into a crying, quivering, spineless amoeba of self-pity, because while I can admire Randy Pausch and Alice Crisci, and all those who have suffered with courage and humanity, I can almost guarantee that my reaction would involve a lifetime (no pun intended) supply of tissues and The Bridges of Madison County on repeat.]

Comments

[phoquemyope]

HuffPost's Pick

My brother just died last Friday night of pancreatic cancer. My family was still reeling from the diagnosis which had been issued only five weeks prior. Although I agree with the notion that one should live as normally as possible despite dire prognoses, I assure you that my brother was in no condition to behave as if the end were not near: he could not lie flat on his back, he could not even eat more than a few morsels before experiencing distress. He was so bloated from abdominal liquid accumulation that he had to be drained daily. When the liquid stopped coming, it was because it no longer had anyplace to go due to the tumors which had expanded (in five short weeks) to fill his entire belly. He would express discomfort and let us know he was in pain, but he never cried out.

I guess my point here is that my family has never been religious, but now we find ourselves wondering about afterlife possibilities. My brother will have his service tomorrow, and we will have two Buddhist monks and a Unitarian minister plying their trades. I was not with him when he passed, but I imagine my brother would think that such an arrangement was adequately weird. He was agnostic but kind and gentle, with a sense of humor slightly askew. We must carry on, and a small dose of religion may well help us through.

[amanda85]

Hi Verena,
another excellent piece that finds me in total agreement with you. As I was reading, I couldn't help noticing a couple of paragraphs that could be easily misunderstood, especially by those with a huge chip on their shoulders. Lo and behold, it didn't take me too long before I found these "pearls of wisdom" in the comment section: "This post is a simplistic take on the Creator, God, Love etc.", "Only the incredible arrogance of youth could make such a callous and callow statement.", "there is a reason why Jung said "life begins at 40"".
I was actually surprised some of the usual platitudes were not included, you know, like "youth is wasted on the young" and similar snippets that reflect profound philosophical meanings...But the comment section is still open, so I haven't completely lost hope... Oh, and BTW, the only reason why Carl Jung came up with his silliest --albeit unfortunately most famous--maxim is that he was older than 40. Some people are old and bitter, others remain young even when they die at the age of 100. These are the people who encourage the younger generation, as opposed to those who choose to patronize it, out of...envy maybe?

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
-- Norman Cousins, American essayist (1912-1990)

[THINKB4USPEAK]

Hi, A85. Mostly, yeah, you got it right(or at least, in agreement with MY preconceived notions) in most of your statements.(Not just here, but in most, if not all your comments.) Because I admire you so much, and wish you only happiness and fullfillment, I offer the following platitudes for your perusal and enjoyment: 1. (Youth is wasted on the young.) 2.(I knew Carl Jung. I worked with Carl Jung.) You,ma'am, are no Carl Jung!

[relicpro]

I died before, and it has definitely made me more spiritual. Or more notably, more motivated to do what I love in life.

[TERRYKEITH4]

Death is what makes us all equal...

[THINKB4USPEAK]

Here is a true account of some thoughtworthy events I swear to be true. When I was about ten years old, my maternal grandmother died in a hospital 20 miles away. I felt her spirit pass through me at that moment, saying goodbye , I think. I KNEW it was her, as my hair stood on end from this touch not-of-this-world. I looked at the clock, possibly at her suggestion. When my parents came home with sad news to break, I broke it first, complete with the correct minute. I scared them that day. A couple of years later, I was stricken with a form of staph infection for which no cure or treatment existed. With 106-108 degree fever putting my physical body in a coma-like, weakened state, I was aware of everything around me, but unable to communicate. A doctor stood near my hospital bed and told my parents that I would certainly die soon. I tried to move my fingers to signal that I was not dying, but just weak.That is when I left my body, first my fingers, then my entire spirit. It felt like peeling a giant sunburn. I was free of the material world, and it felt great. Then I encountered a being who returned me to my body, saying it was not yet time for me to leave.I began to speak(Whisper), and obviously didn't die. There is more to this but my post is too long already.

[Jonahson]

Yeah, I had a similar experience. Only diference is I was not injured or sick at the time it happened. I died and there was total darkness for a moment as if some one had switched off the light.There was a white light and then I entered the light, I found myself in a beautiful place bath in golden light. I was welcomed there by the presence of unseen formless beings and we spoke in unison(almost like telepathy). I was formless too.
I then saw a bright light and in fact told the light I was not ready yet, the ligh replied in agreement.
From there I went back to darkness and to my body where I could feel my first heatbeat then my breath returning. I woke up very calm and fresh. The wonderful think about it was that I completely had no fear of death for two weeks. Even until now after many years I have no far of death and there is a certain calm deep in my heart.
Later I found the answer to what happened to me on that incident.

[avicenna]

I suppose death can be viewed as a miserable man's revenge as one sure way to die happy is to have lived woefully.

[Artisbey]

Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said on his deathbed, "Here I go into the great perhaps."

[raker]

A positive, hopeful attitude is a good thing for all aspects of a person's life, including facing a grave illness.

Finding christianity loving and accepting is a triumph of marketing that doesn't square with reality. I've always known it to emphasize punishment, vengeance, fear, guilt, and condemnation for so much as expressing doubt. Christianity is a kind of prison. I will die happy, unworried about facing christianity's touchy, narcissistic, vindictive hanging judge.

How sad is the dancing-as-fast-as-I-can attitude toward being happyhappyhappy in the face of adversity. Illness and death are sad. Be as sad as you damn want. When a person you love dies, cry your eyes out. Don't have a "celebration" of contrived joy, working hard to stay "up." It's normal to be sad about death and don't let the bullies tell you otherwise.

People with cancer, AIDS, or any number of potentially terminal illnesses have enough grief without being told they're sick because they didn't think good enough thoughts. The tyranny of the "dis/ease" peddlers has to end.

[hokulele]

If you're not busy being born, you're dying. Being born means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Dying means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Verena, you are dying as you are living. You don't seem to have developed any depth of character. If your article is who you are, then may that which is missing within you change and take shape, a shape reflecting all that you experience. As my mother lay dying, she motioned me closer and whispered, as best she could, that she loved me. And then she died. Love is the answer, not conjecture about an afterlife or how you're going to take your dying. Now, go and grow. Be well. And be of the greatest help and encouragement to all you meet while you are living.

[HeevenSteven]

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. --Hamlet

Also see Epicurus in my comment below.

We're all gonna die; I've come close, and I've lost too many loved ones. So you have two choices; you're starting a new journey in better place, or you're nothing, you cease to exist. Like Epicurus, I think it's the later. It's kind of like that void before you were born; remember? Wasn't so bad was it. I don't fear it, only the suffering that may precede it, which may make death a welcome relief.

[brooklyncitizen]

This post is a simplistic take on the Creator, God, Love etc.

Christ and Christianity are about LIVING not DYING (only dying of the ego) Christs' first miracle which appears in the Gospel of John was turning water into wine at a wedding in Canaan. The miracle is about celebration, living, rejoicing, and love and Life ...... Faith is a gift and a responsibility...not to "convert" but to impart the greatness that is within each of us.

Though Atheists are critics of religion and Christianity, we've all benefitted from the great Christians that have lived from their faith and given much to all of us. The list is endles: Mother Teresa,MLK, Ghandi (Ghandi was influenced by Christianity and corresponded with Tolstoy, a radical Christian-see "Letters to an Hindu") Mandela, Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter etc...the whole doctrine of nonviolence Satyagraha is religious in essence. The Buddhist monks killed in Burma are an example; only when you believe in something greater than yourself can you risk your life for your brother....Christ :

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
Greater a love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. "

Being "a good person" isn't enough....I'd reccommend Kierkegaard's "Works of Love" . It's the best summation on what a Christian really is....and it's no insurance policy.

[Ajita]

"only when you believe in something greater than yourself can you risk your life for your brother"

I do believe in something greater than myself. Its called the universe. Secondly, you are right- thats the reason why those hijackers flew those planes into those the WTO (and there's thousands of more examples of that going all the way back in history). It is good to believe in something greater than oneself, provided there is some evidence for your belief. Otherwise it is just dogma and we all know what dogma can do to good people.

As for all the good that people have done in the name of religion, here is a quote:

" With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
Steven Weinberg, quoted in The New York Times, April 20, 1999
US physicist (1933 - )

[brooklyncitizen]

Your post is (willfully?) ignorant; especially when comparing the actions of the 9/11 terrorists or any fanatic with that of real humanists. (Gun lovers are fanaitc in the same way)

China and all the Commnunist nations have perpetrated plenty of evil without the benefit of religion, as have numerous secular dictators, Mugabe comes to mind.

Yet there is not one humanist in history that has not based his transcendent actions and bravery on his religious belief. Martin Luther King and Ghandi were not "good people"; maybe your grandmother and high school principle and next door neighbor can be decribed as "good people". Truth is revealed in the results of the actions taken and in living a life that is devoted to truth (MLK-civil rights for all; Ghandi independence for India). You need to uderstand the difference between truth and "dogma"; dogma will never deliver enduring results and transformation.

For good people to do evil things it takes the right motivation (Abu Gahraib) and circumstances (MyLai massacres); neither were "religious" in nature and most of those troops were "good people". Being a "good person" doing "good things" is not enough.

[Cathexis]

"Pull yourself out of the freshly dug grave of self-pity?!?"

Only the incredible arrogance of youth could make such a callous and callow statement.

Have you ever sat down and thought ... I mean really THOUGHT ... about what "death" is?

The only thing we absolutely know is that it is "the cessation of existence" ... possibly permanently. At a minimum, it is the cessation of existence "as we know it."

Have you ever thought about what "not existing" means? If "you" no longer exists? There is no "self." There is no "you." You don't laugh. You don't cry. You don't feel, you don't think. You don't dream.

You ... aren't.

Death is the single biggest, unavoidable event facing each and every person. To tell a person who has been told his/her time is nigh to "pull themselves out of the freshly dug grave of self-pity" has got to be one of the most blithely insensitive and unthinking remarks I have ever read.

Do you understand WHY it is so impressive when someone like Randy Pausch reacts the way he does? It is because it takes a special person to *transcend* the enormity of what is to come. To position anything short of that as a sign of weak indulgence and lack of character is insulting to the majority of people who will be floored by such a situation and fails to appreciate the magnitude of people who DO take such a situation with another perception.

[brooklyncitizen]

Excellent post.

However it is worth noting that Ms. Von Pfetten is only 24. There is a reason why Jung said "life begins at 40" and that this is the point when most of us will seek a deeper spiritual meaning in our lives, if we haven't done so already.

Lastly, our society has relegated death and dying to a behind the scenes event; something that can be managed. A couple of years back a work colleague's father died and he came in to work the next day after it happenned....when my Dad died I wounded up taking a sabbatical (partly to deal with the estate and mostly to grieve) .

We think the pat Nike-like slogans are an answer to everything and igore that death and illness and suffering are not to be dealt with blithely. Each death is an opportunity to bring to the foreground the bigger questions that we generally ignore as we work, mate, eat, shop and play. Each death is also a red flag foresahdowing our own death.

Lastly on the Randy lecture: one doesn't just decide to be noble; we all die after the fashion in which we have lived.

[freebeer]

Strange, as I read this post I was not planning on commenting, but your Jung reference struck a chord.

The book "Memories Dreams Reflections" by C G Jung covers many aspects of life, and my favorite part of it is where he deals with death. As Jung is a realist, he offers many possibilities and makes no ridiculous assertions as to what must be.
I recommend this book for people who think about dying, but still have some living to do.

In the more local sense, what a shame that the Christian extremists have such an influence on how people die in our country. This most personal experience should be an open subject, allowing for all cultures and traditions to be considered.

[wildflowermaven]

I'll 2nd that, at 24, most people aren't even trying to address these issues, at least Verena is giving it a whirl. Will she look back in 30 years and say--boy I understand so much more now--probably. But that doesn't mean she can't open a debate or discussion from her point of view now.

[Raemond]

I take issue with the idea that chrisianity is judgemental. Some people calling themselves christians are judgemental. But the teachings of christ expressly state that you shouldn't judge others. I have aways been amazed how the teachings of a peaceful man can be used to "justify" the repression and subdugation of others. A relationship with God is not about insurance, or a kind of buck passing mechanism. it's not like a conscious choice, it's about realising a fundamental truth that determines the way you view the world and treat the people in it (hopefully with love, compassion, and without judgement).

And as to the "good deed" thing. since all good in the world comes from God (the similarity of spelling aint no coincidence luv) every good deed is infact doing the work of God.

Also, and I know you didn't mention it, but in debates over belief in supranatural beings, loads of athiests seem to belive in Evil, which couldn't exist without God. This has always struck me as odd.

[Ajita]

I'll let your cherry picking from the bible, completely ignoring the hateful passages, slide- only to focus on your last sentence. Have you never been presented with the naturalistic ideas of moral behavior that are common within the sciobiological community? I suggest reading "Moral Animal" or many such books that explore the evolution of moral behavior in intelligent social animals. If you understood these scientific concepts, you will see that the evolution of altruism, co-operation etc is only possible in the presence of "immoral" behaviors such as cheating and aggression.

[surrytops]

I agree with you that Moral Animal is a book that will change one's viewpoint on human motivation forever. The same is true of The Selfish Gene, etc. I wish that you could see that you actually agree with Raemond about the fact that good and evil must coexist. There are some passages in the Bible that seem hateful because it was written by men and you are certainly right that Christians can be judgemental. Actually, the message of Christ, however, is that without him we are left to our own devices which are very articulately explored by authors like Richard Dawkins and Robert Wright. It is a beautiful thing, however, when love conquers the flesh (selfish genes). I can't seem to conquer mine without the help of my faith. And sure, I know what Wright says about that too. :-)

[HeevenSteven]

Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do? --Epicurus.

[OtayPanky]

You sound like a nice young woman.

And maybe you even went to a good college.

But - seriously - you really don't KNOW anything yet, not in this realm at least.

And - just in case it's not clear - when I say you don't KNOW anything, I'm talking about a different kind of knowing than the kind that got you a job blogging.

[AmericanSinceFeb08]

Can you explain what you wrote? What do you know? How did you learn it?

I am lost. Show me the way.