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Girlfriends' Guide: Sarah Palin Is So Bitter!

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Does Sarah wake up every day, reach for her specs, slip in her "Bumpit" and begin snorting around the media outlets like a truffle pig in search of the juicy fungus of persecution? It's like an itch that she scratches so often it has become a tic. Every slight is personal in the All About Me Universe of Alaska's Governor, Interrupted. Nothing is too random or private or just plain irrelevant for her to rush to Facebook with her righteous censure.

Just in case it wasn't clear from her book, Going Rogue, her skin is so thin that it's practically transparent. Nothing is her fault or worthy of private reflection. Let's face it folks, she and her family are pretty broad targets. If it's not her, it's her husband, her baby son or one of her daughters. None of us has a family above a dig here or a joke there, nor are we consistent examples of righteousness, but we are infinitely more relaxed about our imperfections. She wouldn't beg for a wedgie every time the class clown walked by if she weren't so delusional about her own perfection. Who can avoid, intentionally or not, taking a swipe at such a humorless and bitter prig? And who can fail to be bored blind (oh, God, I hope she doesn't take this as an attack on her own optical disability!)

I, for one, wonder why she chose to take on last Sunday's "Family Guy" as an attack on her little boy, Trig, who has Down's Syndrome. First of all, the character who was supposed to be representing Sarah's baby boy was a grown woman on a date. If Sarah weren't so myopic in her outrage, she might just as easily have taken the fact that the character described her parents as "the former governor of Alaska and an accountant" as a compliment.

What, Todd Palin, former "First Dude," prizewinning snowmobiler and North Slope oil pipeline manager, an accountant? Didn't Sarah recognize the erroneous inflation of her husband's education as a gift horse? No, because judging, condemning and calling for everyone's firing is much more suitable to her temperament.

In fact, it appears that she has a whole raft of people looking for statements, behavior or themes for her to identify and condemn. I'm willing to bet my DirecTV that she has never watched "Family Guy." Are you kidding? And miss "Desperate Housewives" and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians?" Not a chance!

On Facebook, she credited America's favorite baby mama, Bristol, with bringing the TV episode to her attention. God bless, Mother Sarah; in spite of feeling "kicked in the stomach" by the cartoon, she turned the repugnant experience into a teaching moment for her daughter: "Well, Bristol, how did it make YOU feel?"

Personally, I'd rather hear how Trig feels. At least he's justifiably uninformed (for his AGE, people--don't turn on me here!) and completely uninterested in seeking the worst in every "liberal" with name recognition.

Don't these Palins have real jobs? Or is that Sarah's job -- being humorless and vindictive for her Mad Hatter's Tea Party friends? As if the dormouse and the March Hare weren't enough to put a person off such gatherings. "Off with their heads!" she decries so consistently that she makes the Queen of Hearts look benevolent.

What if she actually were to become President? What an irritation it would be to have the Middle East, Haiti, global warming and a blighted economy distracting her from her meticulous search for the worst intentions in everybody. And who really cares about those big issues anyway? They're so complicated and so irrelevant to burnishing the image of our little Maverick.

Life is short, Sarah. It is delicious, shocking and flawed. It's your choice: Revel in it or bitch it to death. But if you insist on choosing the latter, please, keep it to yourself. Nothing personal.