A headline two years ago grabbed my attention and probably a few others': Being Fat Ended My Marriage.
In the Ladies Home Journal article, the author, "Jane," detailed how she put on 40 pounds after childbirth and was never quite able to shed them. Her husband, "Robert," withdrew emotionally and physically and after two years of counseling and a few separations, they divorced.
Of course, after the divorce, Jane lost most of those 40 pounds -- and promptly found a new husband.
That's a rather typical story. A lot of women gain weight when they get married; in fact, they're more at risk for obesity just by shacking up. Men do, too, but they don't gain as much as women do. And researchers have found that after divorce, most go back to their pre-marriage weight. The Divorce Diet isn't pretty, but it works!
So why don't people just lose the darn weight while they're married? I don't know, but some would-be spouses aren't going to leave it up to chance: they've put weight restrictions in their prenups.
Which begs the question -- if your spouse got fat, would you split?
Is weight a valid reason to get divorced?
It's enough to keep British writer Samantha Beck fit. Her French husband, Pascal "knows what I weigh, will comment on the weight I put on (in front of friends and family, too) and will discuss my figure appreciatively (or not). ... Pascal absolutely believes that my becoming a 'fat wife' would be grounds for divorce."
Well, we always knew the French were different.
As a sometime reader of advice columnists, I have often come upon letters -- usually from the husband -- complaining about his wife's weight. He's not attracted to her sexually anymore and he mentions (hopefully delicately) something about her weight to her, which makes her angry and defensive, and so he pulls away emotionally and physically, which makes her feel worse about herself so she eats more and then gains more weight, which turns him off even more ... it's a downward spiral that most likely ends up in divorce anyway.
Most couples fight about money, sex, chores and children, but weight often factors into those issues. And just like a couple needs to be in tune with how they'll raise their children and spend or save their money, they probably need to be like-minded when it comes to diet, health and fitness.
Of course, weight falls under the "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" statement. But we'd surely say something if our spouse became anorexic or bulimic. Becoming fat is just as dangerous and unhealthy, so why is it such a hot-button issue?
I do have to wonder about how that fat-clause prenup would work, though: Do you wait until she's breaking the scale and slap her with divorce papers? Or do you say something as she starts adding on the pounds, which has its own problems because many women -- obviously not French women -- get really upset when their sweetie calls them on their weight. "I'm still the same person inside. Why is he so shallow? Why can't he love me as I am?"
And, yes -- there are many men out there who get fat, too.
Still, if I were Jane's first hubby, I'd feel a bit pimped; obviously she could lose that weight.
The odd thing is, while their marital problems seemed to start when "Robert" became distant, ultimately they were divorcing about her weight.
Maybe that prenup clause isn't such a bad idea after all.
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It would make me laugh if the woman kept the weight off but lost her teeth or hair or developed early wrinkling.
That would be sweet justice. *haha
More and more women are asking men to donate their sperm and be in the child's life but they don't want to marry, I read that recently I think that was at Huffpo too but I'm not sure (short term memory has been faulty lately I hope it’s not serious). Anyway that seems the way for women to go, I mean dealing with all of the stress produced in many of these marriages would make anyone sick.
what if a wife or husband left his or her spouse after that spouse developed lung cancer after being warned again and again and again, or even after being given an ultimatum by his or her spouse? wouldn't that be more understandable?
but yes. it's lame and cruel for a husband to abandon his wife if she develops a serious illness. however, getting fat isn't the same thing. obesity is directly related to laziness and/or depression.
Since when is depression not serious? It's so easy to develop a holier than thou attitude with people who are dealing with or in situations that we can't empathize with because we've never been there, or never had to be.
I can't believe all of the comments here that ALL overweight people are so by choice - waking up one day and making a conscious decision to be as miserably fat as possible, because being overweight is some great way to get kicks. No, it's not like cancer - but neither is it necessarily a deliberate choice to be unhappy, or make others unhappy - that ALL of those people are alright with the situation they are in?
Becoming overweight is very often a symptom of greater issues, and I'm sure that most are quite aware when it's become a problem, possibly making depression worse tenfold- a vicious cycle. Very rarely are things as black and white as the majority here would seem to suggest.
Sure, there are people who are just lazy and don't care, but I'd be willing to bet there are a lot more actually struggling with this than are recognized. Not everyone knows how or is equipped to easily work through their problems on their own, whatever the reason. It's frustrating to see all problems like this lumped together with so much blame, disrespect, and disgust. Who are we to dismiss another person's problems when we haven't walked in
depression is tough. i admit that. i know some people who are genuinely neurochemically challenged. however, most of them are long distance runners (running helps their depression).
(*in tribeca, most apartments rent for 5k or sell for 2-5 million)))
i just moved here.
But, you wouldn't be interested in a woman like that anyway, right? So, who cares?
i want a VERY beautiful woman.
so, if my hypothetical wife got fat (gained 7 pounds. maybe 10), i would perceive it as indifference to my pleasure. i would take it personally, as a statement of indifference, because i place such value on sex within a relationship. in other words, gaining weight wouldn't ve something that just happened, it would be a statement, a gesture of indifference.
Hmm, nothing sexist there. ... nor is it even truthful
I know many wonderful fit women who were the family breadwinners who had fantastic sex ... after they divorced.
they married a man who offered them security. they were not made happy by that. they asked for a divorce. once they were divorced and had a settlement that relieved them of worrying about financial security, they got involved out of love and desire.
would you be more inclined to MARRY an unemployed guy with whom you had great sex, or a guy with a great job/career with whom you had mediocre sex? the key word here is "marry".
when i first moved to manhattan, i spent a month on matchdotcom. the handful of knock-out on that site (maybe six total) said they required a man who earns 150k/yr or more (which means much more than that that amount), and none of those women requested that a man have a six-pack/gymbody (they even listed that they'd be happy with a guy who is "about average").
the old adage is, "women marry for money and have affairs for love."
men go through life never once carrying how much money a woman has. it's not a question we ever ask ourselves about the women who interest us.
i've actually thought about this. i may not get married and have kids until i can afford to hire a nanny so my wife would have time to stick with her lifelong fitness routine. in theory, i don't mind paying for everything, so long as my (hypothetical) wife stays thin and engaged with things (goes to art galleries, does her art, reads stuff, etc).
And both are attracted to that dynamic.
Add child care and household duties to the mix and it is very hard to always be in tip top shape. That is why men should be more understanding and help out more during household duties and child rearing.
At the same time, there is no excuse to be obese. That is no one's fault but your own... and any spouse (male or female) has the right to want a partner that they are attracted to. A weak willed man that makes little money and has no ambition is not attractive to a woman. A fat, unattractive woman that does nothing to lose weight and just makes excuses is not attractive to a man.
It's actual difficult for anyone to stay slim. it takes effort and disipline. And child care isn't a valid excuse, most gyms and yoga studios etc. provide child care ... or do what my firend does and runs with his child in a jog stroller. Point is, it can be done .... if you want to do it badly enough.
I honestly didn't pay attention to food really until middle age. It was quite a nice discovery when I did!
Boy, food is fun, and nobody can fault you for enjoying it. Alas, it comes with calories. :)
There are boundaries to what people can handle, in terms of change, and abdication of responsibility is a big sign that your spouse is out of control. But you must start, at least, from a position of support rather than contempt, when problems arise; it's part of what separates marriage from dating. Even if you have to bail eventually, you need to make an honest effort to fix the marriage before you leave it.
Or look at it from the point of view of devoted love (arguably defining the idea of marriage.) If you adore someone, if his happiness is vital to your own, if you feel loving protectiveness and would forsake all others to be with him, are you going to divorce him for an extra ten pounds? Or twenty? Consider all the widows (and widowers) who would give anything to have their spouses alive again, and whether they would care about the degree of weight that Pascal finds divorce-worthy.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who wouldn't miss me if I died fat. My value is not tied to my dress size any more than it's tied to my hair length. (I once had a beau who said he'd dump me if I bobbed my hair. My hair is still long, but he's history.)
You need to date different men.
Weight gain does/can affect a relationship….because it can and does affect the quality of any relationship… and I mean for both sexes.
For those couples where excess weight is not at issue great…but for those where this will affect how you perceive your partner an early discussion is great as long as you both plan on how you are going to support each other’s weight control as the years pass. I would treasure a relationship where regular exercise was part of our routine….but…according to so many studies…. After a time even regular sex becomes a challenge to married couples.
Yep Naïve…..