Gabriel Aubry is being a bad dad. Well, we don't know that for a fact; all we know is that actress Halle Berry, with whom the model had a daughter, now 3, is claiming that he's been neglectful. She may be right, she may be wrong, but in the eyes of much of the world, Aubry's already guilty.
People can -- and do -- say anything they want in a nasty custody or divorce battle. And as a society, we often tend to assume the worst about men. But what if we're wrong?
We're used to men being violent. Literature, movies and video games are full of heroes and antiheroes who kill and maim their way into our hearts and nightmares. At the same time, we tell boys to "suck it up" instead of expressing pain, leaving them few emotions but anger. Then we chastise them when they actually get angry -- or live in fear of their anger. And sometimes we use the one emotion we've allowed them to our advantage.
Men, of course, aren't the only ones who can do damage; statistics show that women can be just as violent as men. But while the Violence Against Women Act provides millions of dollars for shelters for abused women, you don't see too many shelters -- any, actually -- for abused men. "It's often been taken for granted that women can't really do that much damage, so it's OK to maybe slap your boyfriend or do something of that nature," says Kellie Palazzolo, an assistant professor at Arizona State University's Hugh Downs School of Human Communication who is overseeing research on how college students perceive female and male perpetrators.
That may be why so many women applauded Elin Nordegren's alleged golf club attack on then-hubby Tiger Woods -- we just don't like to think of women being violent except in self-defense. He cheated on her; he made her do that!
And in the "he said-she said" of so many marital breakups, like that of Hulk and Linda Hogan, where she claims he was violent and abusive and he says she's "delusional," or of actress Meredith Baxter, who claims in her memoir, "Untitled", that she was physically and psychologically abused by ex David Birney, while he says her book's "an appalling abuse of the truth," whom do we believe?
Same when it comes to sexual violence. In the "he said-she said" of former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was released from house arrest last week, and the 32-year-old hotel maid he allegedly raped, the maid has a history of lying and Strauss-Kahn has a history of sexual predation. Whom do we believe?
Hélène Périvier, co-director of the gender program at Paris' Institut d'Etudes Politiques, worries the fallout of the DSK case may hurt women; while false reports of rape and sexual violence are statistically rare, she says, "it suffices to cement doubts and discredit the word of women going to the police in the future."
But women, like men, lie, and the results can be devastating. And false reports of rape and sexual violence are not as statistically rare as Périvier and others may believe, according to many experts, including Dr. Warren Farrell, chair of the Commission to Create a White House Council on Boys to Men, who details the results of numerous studies in his books "Father and Child Reunion" and "The Myth of Male Power." In fact, they occur often during divorce.
As Farrell writes:
"Men are about 19 more times more likely than women to say they have been falsely accused of sexual abuse. About 85 percent of these abuse allegations are made by women during battles over parent time, during the throes of divorce, or when a live-in situation is failing. ... "(A) sex-abuse charge -- even if false -- often costs the father his job, his health, his friends, his reputation, and his relationship with his child."
Like the hotel maid who allegedly discussed the possible benefits of pursuing charges against Strauss-Kahn, we're all -- men and women -- able to exploit each other. When it comes to custody cases, however, the odds are often stacked against dads. "Some women are coached to make false allegations of domestic violence, rape and child abuse," says Dr. Tara Palmatier, the no-nonsense founder of A Shrink 4 Men, in an email exchange with me. "Their attorneys may file baseless restraining orders to raise the stakes on men in the divorce or custody cases. These tactics don't just hurt men: they create widespread cynicism about the family court and the efficacy of the justice system."
Oregon took a bold step to address that last week when Gov. John Kitzhaber signed into law HB2183, which comes down hard on anyone knowingly making a false case of child abuse. The key is "knowing," says the bill's sponsor, Rep. Wayne Krieger, who acknowledged that false accusations often arise between divorcing couples.
But, how often is that? The U.S. Department of Health and Human Service's Administration for Children & Families says of the percentage of the 3.3 million referrals for child abuse and neglect in 2009 it investigated, "Two-thirds of reports found all allegations to be unsubstantiated or intentionally false (64.3% and 0.1%, respectively)." But child abuse or neglect is just a small part of false claims in custody battles.
Many high-conflict custody cases don't start out that way, Farrell says, because most about-to-be divorced moms recognize that kids need their dads, too. But divorce offers a chance to start over -- maybe move closer to one's parents or to a new love, or relocate for a new job. If a savvy lawyer informs a woman that her ex could get equal custody, thus putting the kabosh on her plans, and then asks if she ever feared him, whether he ever cursed at her, called her names, raised his voice or screamed in a fit of rage, "I'm so angry at you, I could kill you" -- and what marriage doesn't have some sort of anger, yelling or threats? -- well, there's a false case of abuse in the making, he says. Divorces can become high conflict if a dad, realizing that his ex's plans may cause him to lose his kids and he doesn't want to lose them, cries, "No way!"
In the custody battle between champion fighter Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell and his ex, Lori Geyer, over their 12-year-old son, accusations are flying on both sides. Who knows who's telling the truth? But one thing Geyer may have on her side is fear; she says Liddell tried to intimidate her by "pacing back and forth and staring her down." And fear is enough to raise the shadow of a doubt, Farrell says. Most judges would rather take the safe route -- after all, who wants to make a mistake and put a child or woman back in an abuser's control?
And so men walk around somewhat guilty until proven innocent. And sometimes, no one's too interested in proving them innocent.
Farrell is. He gets weekly calls from men who say they're being falsely accused. So is Palmatier. The clinical psychologist has worked with numerous men in abusive relationships who feel unheard. Men, she tells me, are often default scapegoats. A woman hits a man and we assume he did something to her to justify it. A father doesn't see his kids so he must be a deadbeat dad, even if the truth is that his ex has done everything in her power to keep him from them. A woman screams and neighbors call the cops who arrest the husband when it was the wife who assaulted him.
"As a society, we don't typically think of men in the role of a victim. We can't even recognize it when we're confronted by physical evidence," Palmatier writes. "On the other hand, we're inclined to believe accusations about men."
Not only is it unfair and dishonest, she says, but it's "damaging to boys and young men, gender relations, relationships, families and 'the best interests of the children.' And it gives the women who are predators a free pass."
Automatically assuming the worst of men is a form of discrimination, she, Farrell and others say. And they're right.
Halle Berry says Gabriel Aubry is being a bad dad, just as many women say about their exes. Whom do you believe?
Follow Vicki Larson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OMGchronicles
I think things can only get better. Already men are voting with their feet and avoiding marriage in droves. Data for recent decades shows a steady, structural decline in marriage rates for the young, regardless of how the economy is doing. One estimate I saw fit a curve to the decline marriage rate, and found the best fit formula predicts essentially no new marriages around 2050. Change is coming.
http://www.hometownannapolis.com/news/for/2011/07/14-50/Falsely-accused-man-awarded-852K.html
With its last 3 speakers of the House now Convicted Felons, we should all be proud of our leadership.
The words you chose in writing this post show you truly understand the issue. There is much wisdom in what you wrote.
Its interesting to note that there is a growing number of writers / activists in this field who share two commonalities. No matter if its Vicki Larson, or:
Kris Titus
http://www.thestar.com/article/705130
Barbara Kay
http://www.barbarakay.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=526&Itemid=10
Kathleen Parker
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/why-fathers-will-always-matter/2011/06/17/AGXvyUZH_story.html
Molly Olson
http://www.articlesaboutmen.com/2010/06/shared-parenting-is-one-gift-thats-long-overdue-911/
Joy Moses
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joy-moses/fathering-and-enforcement_b_879101.html
etc. they all have two things in common. The first is their courage.
The second should be obvious.
Let's see 148 divided by 16,139 = .9 percent.
Yeah, men are the REAL victims here.
http://www2.fbi.gov/ucr/cius2009/data/table_33.html
Grow up
2/5 of South African boys say they were raped, “most often by adult women.”
www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/story.html?id=ad3524cc-6076-4bc2-a015-23860553bd04
"Approximately 95% of all youth reporting staff sexual misconduct said they had been victimized by female staff. In 2008, 42% of staff in state juvenile facilities were female."
http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/svjfry09.pdf
"Inside youth prisons, scores of female guards violated boys." www.mysanantonio.com/news/metro/stories/MYSA041107.01B.krod.3a6c8d4.html
And male victims are discriminated against in the law.
http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/CityandRegion/2007/06/25/4287949-sun.html
A study in Canada found high rates of homeless kids being molested, with 3/4 of the molestations of boys being by adult women, but there were still no programs for the boys, only for girls. www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/story.html?id=604d29af-5999-47ec-a156-0f5bc96954f2
1. An article titled "Are Men Society's Scapegoats?"
2. An article titled "Helping Children Survive Divorce: ..."
As of today (July 17, 2011):
1. The article titled "Are Men Society's Scapegoats?" has 773 comments.
2. The article titled "Helping Children Survive Divorce: ..." has 12 comments.
The conclusion: Women and men [in a divorce situation] are less interested in the parenting of their children than they are in arguing with each other about each other.
Does anyone disagree? Bring your data.
Otherwise, it is wake-up time for divorcing/divorced parents. Put your time/attention where (you say) your priorities are -- on parenting your children, regardless of who/what your divorcing spouse was or is.
I was assaulted at the mall. They found footage on security cameras of the perp running, of me running, but nothing of the assault. Does the fact that they couldn't "substantiate" the attack mean that it didn't happen? That I'm a liar? That the perp was a "victim of a false claim" or a "male scapegoat"?
The result of the current "false claim" frenzy (really a backlash against the movement to stop sexual violence against women) will be sexual assault victims being victimized THREE times: by the assailant, by the inadequate and mean-spirited treatment they get from the mostly male police and investigators who aren't very good at investigating sexual crimes against women (imagine a recently divorced cop who is depressed and PO'd at women in general because he's mad at his ex) and by the government prosecuting her for "making a false claim".
Jesus wept.
Thanks
It is as common to have a divorcing woman/wife "mad at" her divorcing man/husband as it is to have it the other way around. It may be more common.
Some women who become "mad at" men become violent/abusive; some women who become "mad at" children become violent/abusive. It isn't a gender issue.
(By the way: A mutually unsatisfactory interchange, a mutual argument, sharp words exchanged, is not "abuse". A mutually-bad relationship, a failure to get along, or a refusal by someone to do what you want them to do, is not "abusive".)
This isn't a "backlash". It is data. It is reality.
More men are victimized by false claims of violence/abuse (estimates are that 75 percent or more of "abuse" claims made in divorce situations are false) than women are victimized by actual violence/abuse.
False claims of abuse undermine efforts to curb actual violence/abuse.
---
In 25 percent of cases, the woman of the relationship alone is violent/abusive.
In 25 percent of cases, the man of the relationship alone is violent/abusive.
In 50 percent of the cases, the woman and man of the relationship are both violent/abusive.
ANY sane person can see that.
I know of a family (intimate knowledge) where the father broke the mother's arm, blackened her eye, regularly hit her with objects (broom handle, etc.) leaving welts and knots and split lips and huge bruises. The police were called six or seven times and the man NEVER spent so much as five minutes in the police station, much less in jail. No record. Nothing. The male police would stand around in the driveway laughing with the perp and leave. That's it.
That's the world we're going back to if the "false claim" myth-makers have their way.
Until we have a fool-proof lie detector system -- 100% fool-proof -- we'll always have to struggle to find the truth in conflicting stories, but know this:
Just because a claim of abuse was "unsubstantiated" by investigators or the police, that DOES NOT mean that it didn't happen. FAR from it. So trying to turn every "unsubstantiated" claim into a "false claim" statistic -- or prosecuting it as such -- will put you and your buddies squarely on the side of the crusaders hoping to CRUSH women into submitting to wife abuse and rape again, the way we did back in the 50's.
Over. My. Dead. Body.
Officers! Arrest McParadigm.
Oh, wait...