If you watch Oprah or read all the "you go, girl" midlife reinvention books and just about any article in More magazine, it's easy to believe that being a middle-aged woman is the best thing since sliced bread. Why not finally find happiness transforming a 16th-century Tuscan villa into a charming eco-friendly B&B, or leading women-only backpacking treks into the wilds of Montana?
A female midlife crisis? Bring it on, or so Time magazine declared.
And it's true -- midlife is a great time to reinvent yourself. It just isn't a great age to get divorced, especially if you're a woman who isn't ready to give up on sex and love and a partner.
When it comes to the palette of losses at midlife, getting a divorce is "more emotionally devastating than losing a job, about equal to experiencing a major illness, and somewhat less devastating than a spouse's death," according to an AARP study a few years ago of those 40 to 79 years old who'd gotten divorced in their 40s, 50s or 60s.
Along with emotional turmoil, people report other difficulties. Foremost among these is dealing with uncertainty or not knowing what's ahead, cited by 40 percent. Many suffer from loneliness or depression (29%), as well as feelings of desertion or betrayal (25%), a sense of failure (23%), feeling unloved (22%), and feelings of inadequacy (20%). People also face many fears. Greatest among them is the fear of being alone, named by almost half (45%).
Divorcees are particularly depressed and stressed, and 24 percent worry about never finding someone to marry or live with again.
It isn't a frivolous concern.
If men are from Mars and women from Venus, then middle-aged men are from Viagra and middle-aged women are from menopause. Guys in their 40s tend to marry women about seven years younger, in their 50s they skew 11 years younger and in their 60s they're eyeing women who are 13 years younger, according to a study by Paula England, a professor of sociology at Stanford.
Which means a 50-something woman like me should expect to hookup with a 70-something man. Well, I've been hanging around my dad's nursing home a lot lately and all I can say is, I don't think so!
All of which makes it a lot easier to understand the rise of the "cougar."
And a good number of those middle-aged men are nesting again -- the so-called do-over or start-over dads; you're just not going to see a lot of middle-aged women rushing to get knocked up. Still, the do-over dads say they have more time and patience for their new brood. That may be, but they may not be around long enough to do much nurturing, and that has more severe ramifications that even divorce. A divorced dad is generally still reachable. A dead dad? Not so much. And then there's the resentment that their older kids -- who perhaps knew them as absentee dads -- might feel.
I won't say the age differentials have made middle-aged divorcees feel bitter or resentful, although more than a few are. But for those who want a partner to grow old with -- without him having a 13-year start, especially since women live longer -- it's tougher than ever, England says.
"With both older and younger men chasing younger women, the law of supply and demand make the marriage market a tough place for middle-aged people of both genders ... For women, the marriage market may be limited to potential husbands who are significantly older, because many men of the same age are interested in younger women."
And significantly older men may need a level of caregiving that a 50-something woman just isn't interested in, especially since most of us have recently cut the apron strings on our kids and are finally feeling like we've got out life back.
Which may be why many more older divorcees than older men who haven't married again told AARP that intimate touching, hugging, kissing and sex are no longer a part of their lives.
But Oprah, More and the deluge of midlife female reinvention books continually offer models of women who are happier than ever, buying motorcycles, enrolling in gyms and colleges, and embracing their newfound freedom and confidence. Yes, it is encouraging.
With some 20 to 30-plus years ahead of them, women in their 50s say they feel a lot happier about aging than they thought they would, according to the National Center on Women & Aging at Brandeis University in Waltham, Mass., although in all honesty the slide from 50 to 60 isn't all that grand. Many say they're learning they can not only cope but also grow, says Cornell University sociologist Elaine Wethington, "and solving problems then feeds back and gives you a sense of mastery of life."
As long as they realize they'll likely be doing it without a partner to congratulate them with a kiss and a hug.
Follow Vicki Larson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OMGchronicles
These days I find failure to yield versus failure to commit the common crime. I do not want casual sex after a casual dinner and a light conversation. Otherwise, you are doomed to awkward starts and more awkward endings. That is in fact what younger people do.
It is more interesting to trade a few dozen stories and see the other in a few different scenarios before seeking intimacy. You should know who you are dealing with to a higher extent then "hi". Someone who wants a night of fun, or two or three even should at least be someone you would want to be friends with, if you never saw (or had to see them) naked. After all, at 50 or 50 plus you will pend more time clothed then naked anyway.
For men, sex is a biological compulsion; for women, sex is a conscious mental choice.
Good one, Vicki! You won't be getting too many arguments on that observation.
Suddenly alone (with my teenage son) I tried a few dates. Boy, were they not fun! Sitting across from a man who looks (to me) like my father-in-law or grandpa does not spark any thoughts of romance. For all I know the feeling was mutual and I was reminding him of his mom. I think I'm attractive for my age but it is all relative.
So what to do? Well, I have not had sex in close to 2 years and I coldn't care less! I have more money now that when that leech was in my life. I sleep on a futon in couch position because it is amazingly comfortable. I eat the same thing for my (light) dinner every night, because I want to. I buy things to spruce up my home without getting anyone's approval, and without anyone wrecking my stuff. I am trying to say, the freedom and self-direction is wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for a little nookie with some old man. Companionship? I'm going to get a dog.
An attitude shared by many women I suspect. I wonder how many women would disclose such an attitude to a prospective mate in advance of marriage. Very few I suspect. "Honey, I know we're getting married next, but I gotta tell ya, I could care less about sex. . . . Honey? Honey? . . . .Hey, come back here!"
And I would tell a prospective mate about my lack of interest because there is NO prospective mate and I don't want one.
Someday I will be retired and I don't want some lump calling to me from the couch "What's for breakfast?... What's for lunch?... What's for dinner?"
I am a dynamic person and I'm tired of carrying the burden of a man who, once he senses that I'm ABLE to take care of everything, will leave me to take care of everything. Done with that!
Enjoy what you have and not be so concerned about who you are not with.
But, one cannot deny the research — If indeed many older women are not finding intimacy (as told to AARP) and indeed a certain percentage of men skew younger (as told to Paula England) then are we to ignore the statistics?
Not every middle-aged woman is unhappy; if you read what I wrote, many say they are. But for those who want a partner (and that's not everyone), it is harder when you're older.
"Why not start a family in your 50s" you ask. For women it's hard (not impossible, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine) but ask people who grew up with older parents; it's often a burden for the kids having to deal with their parents' aging issues when they might be teens and perhaps their death. So, while it may be great for the parents, it isn't always for the children.
Thanks for the response. I take your word for it that you are not my ex-wife or unhappy. And sorry for the attempt at humor at your expense. I do argue with research, as a scholar I am very aware for the weaknesses of social research, and always question the meaning we assign to statistics. Men skew younger can also be stated that single women in their 30's skew older, older women may not be as interested in new intimate relationships. Yes it may be harder, but not insurmountable. My real contention is with the ideas that an older parent is some how not as good as a younger parent. There is just no research that quantifies that. I looked long and hard when my wife suggested starting a family (she is due any day now). There are differences for sure, but I am not sure difference is the same as better or worse.
What I found doing the dating sites before I met him is that men consistently over-rate themselves and their appearance, which makes them pursue women who are "out of their ballpark" appearance and age-wise. I found that most men my age and older were not as in shape or as attractive as I am and I am not perfect either (although I look younger and still get cat calls from younger men).
My advice to women is watch your weight and keep up your appearance and you can snag a younger, more physically "capable" man. If you buy into the so-called "wisdom" of this article you will definitely be doomed to fail with them. Don't let anyone make you think that men won't choose you. Your brilliant personality and attention to your appearance will overcome a LOT.
For a lot of even young people, ish happened and that ship has sailed, at least that's how I see it with how hard it is to lose weight (I was a spoiled skinny girl nomming away).
You're telling fellow women that extra weight is so ugly we can't attract partners. Please be careful.
EMOTIONAL BURDEN and they carry it on their sleeves and it becomes even heavier if kids and advanced age are involved. These 2 don't affect men as hard especially men of affluence and good health.