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Vicki Larson

Vicki Larson

Posted: March 24, 2011 04:49 AM

Why You Shouldn't Facebook Your Breakup


Divorce used to be a lot easier. Oh, not because of changes in divorce laws or family courts, but because the worst that could happen is that you'd cause a scandal in your neighborhood. Outside of maybe your mom, your close friends and your shrink, few knew all your dirty details.

Only the rich and famous had their breakup dramas exposed on the front page or turned into best-sellers, like Nora Ephron's Heartburn, a fictionalized account of how her husband, Watergate legend Carl Bernstein, dumped her.

But the Internet has changed that -- now everyone's dirty laundry can go viral. Exes can rant on Craigslist, vilify you on DontDateHimGirl.com or ihateher.com, send naked pictures of you over their cell phones or on YouTube, post nasty things on Facebook or tweet them on Twitter, and blog about what a no-good cheating jerk you are.

It's a really tough time to be an ex.

After a divorce, we're hurt, sad, angry, confused -- a bundle of emotions that need a healthy outlet to be expressed so we can eventually move on. Expressing sadness over a split may get you "liked" on Facebook and followers on Twitter, but dissing an ex online could get you sued. Pittsburgh lawyer Todd Hollis filed two lawsuits against Don'tDateHimGirl.com after some former women he dated accused him of being "a poorly dressed womanizer" and infecting women with herpes. 2011-03-20-Fotolia_519315_XS.jpg

Last year, Elon Musk, co-founder of PayPal, SpaceX and electric car company Tesla Motors, responded to his ex-wife's blogging about him with a post on Huffington Post. "Much as one may wish for privacy, in the 21st century it just doesn't exist," he said. Nor does everyone have a platform to correct the record.

Two years ago, William Krasnansky, a soon-to-be ex-husband, was ordered by a Vermont court to stop posting a "thinly disguised, fictionalized account" of his crumbling marriage to Maria Garrido on his blog, which not only disturbed Garrido but a number of First Amendment experts as well.

And lawyers consider social media like Facebook to be a treasure trove of information that can screw up a divorce.

"It's a whole new area for the law to contend with," First Amendment scholar Rodney A. Smolla, dean of the law school at Washington and Lee University, told the New York Times. "It's a byproduct of the digital world meeting the ancient world of romance, and the law is struggling a lot to find the right balance."

But people are breaking up and moving on -- and online -- in the meantime. In a survey a few years ago, 20 percent of singles said it's OK to reveal details about a breakup on blogs or other social media. And if you do, there's a good chance that it will be read by the ex, or so says Ilana Gershon, assistant professor of communication and culture at Indiana University, in her book The Breakup 2.0: Disconnecting Over New Media. Of the nearly 70 college students she interviewed, many said they compulsively "Facebook stalked" their exes long past the breakup. But it didn't make them happy. "It's giving them 'hot Cheetos' of information, so they get a taste of something -- it tantalizes but doesn't satisfy. They wanted closure or wanted to know who their ex-lover was now with, and they never really felt like they got the answers they wanted," Gershon told Live Science.

It's tempting to tell-all -- misery loves company after all. But if your ex can stumble upon your rants about him or her, your kids can, too. You may be posting about all the bad things your ex did, but your kids don't necessarily share those feelings with you. And there are some things kids shouldn't know about their parents until after they pass, if then.

So the best thing you can do when you're an emotional mess over a breakup is hide your computer, or so says Scott Friedman, a motivational speaker who offers workshops for singles. "It's too dangerous to sit at the computer and write about how angry you are at your ex. You tend to exaggerate. You're better off just talking to a friend."

And not a Facebook friend, either.


Photo © Cinthy Pilar Revilla/fotolia

 
 
 

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Divorce used to be a lot easier. Oh, not because of changes in divorce laws or family courts, but because the worst that could happen is that you'd cause a scandal in your neighborhood. Outside of may...
Divorce used to be a lot easier. Oh, not because of changes in divorce laws or family courts, but because the worst that could happen is that you'd cause a scandal in your neighborhood. Outside of may...
 
 
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03:35 PM on 03/25/2011
How about, 'Why You Shouldn't Facebook Anything."

I think Facebook is the most inane and pointless cultural development of my lifetime.
07:41 PM on 03/23/2011
When people are upset, they naturally want to vent and some want to shout it out to the world. I waited until after my divorce was final and now say whatever I would like about it all. It seems helpful to know others have similar experiences and when I read about other people's situations , it helps mef eel like I am not the reincarnation of the devil but just another human being who went through a common and very emotional disappointing life experience.

It has been rather therapeurtic to write about my experience but I gone further and tell bits of the story on my blogtalkradio show whenever relevant. Expert guests on my show seize the story to illustrate both good and not-so-good coping behaviors that have occurred. I have gotten a lot of extremely helpful advice from social media that has help me move on in life and I thank all those people who took time to careabout me who knew me only as someone on Facebook.,
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mom, thinker
10:31 AM on 03/24/2011
@ DrVeronicaEyeMD — I agree that writing is cathartic, that sharing and reading about others' experiences can be helpful, and that social media does indeed play a part in helping to make that happen. Like anything else, it can be used wisely or abused.

I have no problem with Facebook friends, etc. being supportive; true friends, however, help hold the mirror up to us and ask for accountability from us. They aren't just "yes men," who tell us what we want to hear; they challenge us to be better and are honest with us. You're juts not going to find that online from people who don't know you and the situation.
06:36 PM on 03/23/2011
A lot of your readers are making money doing exactly what you are suggesting they avoid. Oh well. I have a tolerate/hate relationship with Facebook. People should know that posts can be evidence in any type of legal proceedings, not just divorce.
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
12:53 PM on 03/24/2011
@ JustMeWith — I have a love/hate with it, too. It is, I suppose, essential to use it nowadays (to a certain extent), but that doesn’t mean that gives us license to be inappropriate on it. And, money isn’t and shouldn’t be reason enough to behave badly toward others online.
08:45 PM on 03/24/2011
Oh of course. I wasn't suggesting that money justifies bad online behavior or bad behavior anywhere. There are a lot of blogs/books/articles telling divorce/break up stories that can be helpful but I think folks should change names, identifying info and such and not set out to bash anyone. Random FB rants are just tacky and "they can be used against you in a court of law" -- but even seemingly benign information can be used against people. But even more importantly -- not cool to be mean on FB. I'm really not into Facebook these days. sigh. Just had a friend get suspended from work because of a couple really silly harmless comments that were taken out of context by someone who hacked his account by pretending to be someone else in a friend request. Crazy.
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Endotoxin
Blast Corps
04:59 PM on 03/23/2011
As with any forum or medium of communication, there will always be people who take it to extremes in which it was never meant to be taken.
04:00 PM on 03/23/2011
... Twiiter is okay though.... Right?
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
12:54 PM on 03/24/2011
Might be worse!
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ReadyForMyCloseup
The stars are ageless, aren't they?
03:33 PM on 03/23/2011
Back in tha day of Usenet newsgroups, my ex posted some vitriol toward me; fortunately, my fellow posters just ignored his rant. I would not DREAM of putting anything like that on Facebook (or any other social site, for that matter). I don't put my business in the streets.
nohup
snarky commentator
03:31 PM on 03/23/2011
Facebook is convenient if you have your profile locked down tightly and only have close-knit friends 'friended'. However, many of the people I know have hundreds of 'friends', and things just get out of control at that point, especially when dealing with relationships.
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Marla Thurman
03:15 PM on 03/23/2011
People get stupid in cyberspace. Why we feel secure in divulging our innermost thoughts, I don't know. I used to overshare. Now I'm terrified of consequences so I don't post much besides weather reports, huffpo stories (and other news) or great quotes. Yuck.
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
12:57 PM on 03/24/2011
@ Marla — well, we don’t have to turn all vanilla! Using good judgment and being aware how what we share online may/may not hurt others and ourselves is essential. But, weather reports can be handy ...
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KDMac
It's called sarcasm, Genius.
09:01 AM on 03/28/2011
I posted that my mom was admitted to the hospital the other night, which was a quick way to inform my aunts, uncles and cousins. It's not all bad.
02:36 PM on 03/23/2011
Imprimatur.
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Bright Creature
Crawling toward the light
02:21 PM on 03/23/2011
It puts teeth into the old cliche that gramma tells most everyone growing up, "If you haven't got nothing nice to say about someone, then don't say anything." Variations of grammar usage depending on idiom, of course
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
04:57 PM on 03/24/2011
@Bright Creature — but why do so many of us want to read about it? Are we all voyeurs?
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Bright Creature
Crawling toward the light
06:35 PM on 03/24/2011
Honestly, I think we are. It's my view that we all have wayward, anti-social, impulses. To let my slip drop to reveal my inner Jung: We're most mature when we choose not to act on negative impulses or sublimate those impulses into positive channels.
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Hockey2333
02:20 PM on 03/23/2011
OMG so true.
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MarcEdward
likes all cats more than most people
01:20 PM on 03/23/2011
Personal information on facebook is a good way to get your home robbed.
Just your birthday and place of birth is enough for people to steel your identity.
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Yam716
For CurlTalk, Visit: lillian-mae
03:51 PM on 03/23/2011
Very true!

I often wonder if people are really aware that www means World Wide Web?
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Oregonian76
Just a guy from the PacNW
04:08 PM on 03/23/2011
I'm looking to buy a house. If people want to fortify my credit report, I'm happy to give out just my birthday & place of birth. ;)
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Andrew Wojtkowski
Physengrammer (Physicist/Engineer/Programmer)
01:19 PM on 03/23/2011
If it's true, I can post whatever I want about my ex. Just as I could tell every single one of my friends in person anything I want.

And you better believe I would, except that my exes have all been very nice, caring, and respectable people who just didn't have any 'dirty laundry' to show.

I think if my fiance had a history of cheating, I'd like to know about it and stay the heck away. If you don't want people to know that you cheat.... don't cheat.

If it's libel, well then I think the article should be titled "Why libel is illegal."
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mombabytiger
Looking into the heart of an artichoke.
10:39 AM on 03/23/2011
People put the strangest, most personal things on Facebook. I don't get it. And I don't want to read about it.
01:58 PM on 03/23/2011
I'm in the bathroom reading this
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we-r-stardust
Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana
02:42 PM on 03/23/2011
Make sure you wash your hands ......and keyboard ;-)
03:02 PM on 03/23/2011
lol win
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Vicki Larson
Journalist, mother, thinker
06:29 PM on 03/23/2011
I agree, but why does everyone else?