THE BLOG
08/22/2014 12:44 am ET Updated Oct 21, 2014

The Conversation All Would-Be Cheaters Should Have

Women want sex and passion -- surprised?

If we are to believe a recent study by AshleyMadison.com, that's why married women say they cheat. They're not interested in ending their marriage, they're just looking to put some spark in their sex lives and, let's face it -- once you've tried new sex toys, new positions, new porn flicks and new lingerie, there just isn't much more that a married couple can do.

Except there is.

Married women looking to get some action from others are forgetting, or perhaps just ignoring, an important reality about infidelity -- it often ends marriages, painfully. Which is sad because, according to one study, 56 percent of cheating men and 34 percent of cheating women considered their marriage "happy" or "very happy."

So why risk it? Why cause all that pain and anger, not to mention the potential loss of your marriage, your family, your home, when all you have to do is sit your husband down and say, "Honey, I think we are both aware that neither of us is enjoying sex all that much lately. Actually, we haven't enjoyed it for a long time. What do you think about opening up our marriage?"

After the shock -- or maybe relief -- you might actually be able to have the first honest discussion about monogamy you've ever had as a couple.

Not to say it will be easy. Talking about non-monogamy is hard; everything we think about non-monogamy is about cheating and deception, or promiscuity. We don't have any healthy models of consensual non-monogamy. But that doesn't mean that it isn't happening.

While researching for our book, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press, Sept. 28, 2014), Susan Pease Gadoua and I heard from numerous couples who had open marriages, or who opened them up for a while. It isn't as rare as you think; somewhere between 4.3 percent to 10.5 percent of all relationships identify as open, which can be anything from couples "in the lifestyle," to the occasional threesome to poly arrangements.

All the couples that decided to experiment with non-monogamy told us they were happy they did it, even though, yes, they sometimes struggled with jealousy, managing schedules and setting boundaries. Not only did it bring them closer, but they also were proud that they broke from the norm and forged a new path. It was "a badge of courage" they said.

"Our sex life was better because we felt invigorated," one husband told us. "We found each other very compelling because we were both embarking on this experiment and it takes a certain kind of bravery, and we found that attractive in each other and ourselves."

"For a lot of people, it doesn't even occur to them that they can be anything other than monogamous," his wife told us. "Monogamy can be dangerous even without sleeping with other people. Just having a sense of your own sexuality, being attracted to other people, being able to flirt with other people; when you can't do that, it just shuts down a part of you. It changes who you are in your marriage and so long-term, that can be really damaging."

By opening up their marriage, they got to have sex with other people safely and honestly, and with their partner's knowledge and approval. How refreshing is that?

So, is bringing up the idea of an open marriage a tough conversation to have with your spouse? Of course it is. But trust me -- it's a heck of a lot easier than the conversation you'll have after your affair has been discovered.

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