I had been following the on-again, off-again, on-again divorce of Sean Penn and Robin Wright for a while, not because I'm celeb crazed but because before Penn took off for Haiti and Wright to L.A., they lived just a few miles from me. I sometimes would see Wright around town, looking like any other San Francisco Bay Area yummy mommy shopping at Whole Foods or checking out the guitars at the local music shop, just much more famous and a heck of a lot richer.
So when I read Penn's complaint to the Hollywood Reporter a few weeks ago that he'd been "taken for one half of everything I had in the divorce," I had to laugh -- "Well, what did you expect, if you carry on like that?" -- and I had a flashback to my own divorce a few years prior.
Like Wright, there were affairs and other shenanigans. Like Wright, we tried to salvage the marriage. Like Wright, I was the one who finally said, "I want a divorce" -- the hardest words I ever had to say. And, like Penn, my then-husband was dumbfounded -- "You're leaving me?"
Yes, I was, and that's because he was doing everything that looked like leaving me except the actual leaving part.
Men, evidently, don't leave.
As it turns out, it's -- sadly -- the only thing Wright and I do share, but it's something we have in common with a lot of other marital splits. Women ask for divorce two-thirds more often than men. But it isn't so much because the wives woke up one day and "fell out of love" or realized they had "different values or lifestyles," as many 50-something men who initiated divorce told AARP in a survey a few years back.
No, something else is clearly happening. It may be true that men don't leave but you have to look at why women do; as Frank Lloyd Wright once wisely said, "The truth is more important than the facts."
So what is going on?
According to the National Marriage Project, formerly at Rutgers University, now at the University of Virginia, a lot:
"Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be "badly behaved." Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity."
Last year proved to be a bumper crop of "badly behaved" husbands. Just ask Sandra Bullock, Elin Nordegren, and Eva Longoria. But if the gals didn't file for divorce, would Jesse, Tiger, or Tony have dumped them and perhaps shacked up with the other woman -- or, in some cases, women? Probably not.
A few authors who've paid attention to those sorts of things cite some rather pathetic statistics that "the other woman" should pay attention to: about 3 percent of cheating men marry their lovers, according to Jan Halper (Quiet Desperation: The Truth About Successful Men) and about 75 percent of those marriages end up in divorce, according to Frank Pitman (Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy).
So, is it a case of guys having their cake and eating it, too? I don't know, but there does seem to be some sort of disconnect between actions and reactions.
Of course, affairs aren't the only reason women file for divorce more than men. And Penn certainly isn't the only man lamenting that "it's not like I don't have to work"; men lose a lot in divorce, not just money and houses, but often access to their kids. That's not OK, either.
Still, you'd think that sober reality alone would be enough to shape up all that "bad" behavior. Instead, what it's probably doing is keeping a lot of young men from wanting to get married in the first place; with about half of marriages ending in divorce, saying "I do" is a big financial gamble for them.
And, sure, there are many, many "badly behaved" women out there. But at least if they cheat, most of them -- 55 percent, according to Susan Shapiro Barash (A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs That Make or Break Their Marriages) -- have the decency to leave.
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Men are much simpler. Wake up, eat, go be a slave for as few hours as possible, come home, eat, watch TV, have a few laughs, a good orgasm, go to sleep, repeat.
Women not only need motivation for many things they do but look to friends and close family members to explain some of that motivation to them.
For me, the best example is summed up as follows:
Years ago I broke up with a serious girlfriend. She said, "can we still be friends? I'm still friends with most of my exes. . "
I said: "Well, I am not friends with any of my exes, but, hey, why not. . "
PS> I called her twice after that. She never lifted a finger to maintain the friendship.
Too complected.
Maybe the problem is that such a man gets no satisfaction from helping others, such as helping his children, or engaging with his wife where she as well gets a few laughs, a good orgasm, and a good night's sleep?
If it's all about you and what you take from others, no wonder the marriage doesn't last. Would you put up with this from a woman? If she "woke up, went to work, came home, ate food you prepared, watched her TV shows, had a few laughs (perhaps at your expense or otherwise indifferently to you), used you for an orgasm, went to sleep, and repeated." And you meanwhile were doing all the unpaid work of caring for children and the home? How would you like that? Wouldn't you want out of a marriage set up like that?
"Would you put up with this from a woman?"
Its a rhetorical question because the core premise of my statement was that women and men are differently motivated. Men generally have to put up with women being motivated by hormones, friend's opinions, and other unstable factors. Women generally have to put up with men being motivated by what they anticipate their next meal to consist of. I did not invent this situation. You do not like it, take it up with God (or "mother nature") as is your preference. Or if you prefer, debate the accuracy of my generalizations.
That said, I know many dad who would love to keep their kids with them, so I don't necessarily agree with this statement.
Yes, thanks for pointing this out.
Wilcox is a Christian conservative, I think, who does not believe in emotional engagement or childcare by the father. He advocates the male breadwinner/wife at home model and thinks men should be entitled to "high salaries." The full burden of parenting and unpaid family work is placed on the mother except perhaps for discipline by the father.
I wish more men would not have children unless they "strongly want them." The children feel it when the father does not want them.
Thank goodness.
"If there's war between the sexes
Then there will be no people left"
Joe Jackson
Real Men
There's enough bad people of both sexes to make one sigh...
What women wants this? Now here's the thing ... probably most of these men are good guys.. And they would probably help with the chores. But ... they want a fantasy Barbie and hard working women have other ideas.
(It's late, I'm tired, and I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say ... but hello anyway)
You know, because women are such an oppressed minority group today in this country.
So if they feel they can find a better father for their children, they move on
We men on the other hand can breed virtually until the moment we drop dead.
There's also the "Eat Pray Love" mindset of "I want more from life" (translation = a trip to Sri Lanka and maybe some pilates).
Whereas male needs are basically 1- food, 2- sex, and 3- watching sport.
Have you not heard about chromosomal deterioration of sperm? Genetic birth defects are much higher in children of men over age 35; this is why many sperm banks don't take donations from men over 35.
Also, autism is much more common in children of men over age 35; it's not known whether this is genetic detioration or socialized (the father may be narcissistic himself) or both.
Do a google search and you'll get some hits on the topic. There have been article in the New York Times, National Geographic, a book called "The Male Biological Clock."
And this doesn't even discuss the trauma and neglect that can happen to children with older fathers if they die or become incapacitated or don't have the energy to be good fathers.
I didn't say we could breed without consequence.
They do not have to prove the mother as 'incapable.' Often, they have more money to extend the process of custody determination and let's face it- the court system is patriarchal.